Alright, so it's been quite a while since my last blog post. I have not been feeling many hopeful thoughts or reaching any significant realizations or milestones to share with you all. (whoever you all actually may be) I also have been crazy busy since the start of spring semester. Lots and lots of reading textbooks and writing papers rather than reading my bible and writing in my journal. I have really been struggling with negative thoughts, urges, and bad body image. Just when I reach a place that I feel a bit more hopeful and motivated to fight for life... something hits me either an event of just the power of the eating disorder all by itself. It can be miserable and even paralyzing. I keep going through different yet very similar sequences like this and I am now realizing why. When I place the savior of my life on the back burner, even slightly, all else begins to crumble around me. My focus turns to the eating disorder and all other things that the enemy uses to hold me back. I become more and more hopeless and depressed. Jesus Christ saved me from death. He called my name out, shown a light on me, and stood with me in all my battles. I was so far away from him and yet he found me and delivered me out of the darkness. Even after this, I somehow still forget him at times. I work hard to succeed in school so that I may reach the calling I feel he has laid out for me. But when I do this and begin to forget about the God who put me to it... evil creeps in and does all it can to blind me and lead me back to a dark road leading no where but death. I stop listening to God and start listening to the eating disorder. NOTHING else in this life matters without God. God saved me from the grips of my eating disorder and Jesus Christ forgave my sins and made me clean. That wasn't for nothing. I can't let myself forget that. He must be first in my life above all else. For when I do, my chains will be broken and I will be set free.
Okay so all of that was not my intention for this blog post but there ya go! What really urged me to share was a spiritual experience this morning. My church has been in a series of tough lessons dealing with addiction, depression, and internal struggles. Today's message was on insecurities. The entire series has been one that I completely identified with and struggle with currently. But today I felt like God knew I needed to hear that very message. I have been battling with all of my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness for quite a while and this past week started feeling like I just couldn't take it anymore. I questioned if God could really love me unconditionally and if he really had chosen me or maybe it was a mistake. I judge myself so harshly that it begins to cloud my mind and I start thinking that all of the terrible things in my head are true and there is no way that others love me the way they say they do much less God.
Something really amazing is that I felt God speaking to me about these feelings even before the message started. During worship I suddenly felt that God wanted me to know that he does not view me the same way I view myself. That he wanted me to know that I am not all of the condemning words I speak to myself. That I am not defined by the sins I have committed. That I am not defined by the cruelties done unto me. That I am not forever dirty and ruined. That through Jesus Christ I have been made clean. Set free. The worship leader then began to read a verse... a verse that I believe came straight from God for me to hear in that moment... " For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11
Insecurities was the message title. First he spoke about what we are letting define ourselves by and how that controls our lives. Then he moved to the steps we can take in order overcome them. The words he said that moved me the most were simple but went straight to my heart...
" God does not see you the way you see yourself in the mirror and he is not looking at the same things you are looking at." I can't look into the mirror without hating what I see. Yet, God is looking not at me but in me. According to scripture, God's love for me is changeless and it is for you too. What if one day I can reach a place where I am able to accept myself and even love myself?... I believe God deeply wants this for me. I bet it even hurts him to see how I treat his creation. The idea of complete self acceptance and love is unfathomable to me. The bible says that he called me by name and set me apart... I am a child of God. Today he helped me see that he has a great hope for me and also a great love.
I need to remind myself of this each and everyday. Even after today, I can't truthfully report that I have wonderful self-acceptance and feel great. However, I do have a small glimmer of hope that what he promises is truth and that I don't have to be a slave anymore. One step at a time I will keep fighting. Every step away from the disorder is one step closer to God. This is my focus of the week. I used to start off everyday by making a decision to worship and "feed" my relationship with God today and not the eating disorder. This week I will start this again. I think I should add to it by also reminding myself that I am a child of my heavenly father! Such power in those words.
Love in Christ,
Laura Katherine
Sorry this post is all over the place!
