For many people this may sound completely absurd but in many ways I find myself terrified of freedom. I could go on and on about the exact fears I am referring to and why they are so paralyzing but I want to put the focus of this post on a topic I believe many can relate to. Insecurity.

Lately I find myself asking why is it that when I am in the midst of worship I am able to completely let go of fear and all insecurities in my mind, yet the rest of the time I am walking around in constant fear. I have a daily battle in my mind encompassing everything that I do. I spend a lot of time hating myself, feeling unworthy, wishing I could completely crawl out of my skin, and convincing myself that everyone else see's me the way I see myself. I find myself always wanting to hide away.
When I am in worship is the time I feel God's presence the strongest and it is this time that saves me. It gives me a break from all of this. I am able to let go. I stop caring about what people around me think. I stop comparing myself to others. I stop the negative thoughts in my head. Really I should say God stops it. This time in his presence I am free... free and not afraid. I pour out my heart, sing out loudly, raise my hands with no hesitation, maybe even dance a little! I find myself in complete awe of his presence and the rest of the world stops.

Why can't I carry this feeling around with me everywhere I go? He is with me all of the time, everywhere I go, no matter what happens. Even when I don't feel his presence he is with me. ALWAYS.
What would life look like if I were able to channel the freedom and liberation I feel when in full on worship and live by it?? I have been on this journey of healing and changing for a long, long time and I have a long way to go but with Christ, all things are possible. He has already moved me, comforted me, and saved me so many times. I have to keep pushing through and maybe, just maybe one day I will live in this complete freedom. After all, Jesus came and died for our sins. I don't want to let my fear keep me from living life for him. I can't let what he did on the cross be for nothing. He has saved my life so many times. If I simplify everything that weighs me down and holds me back... all of it stems back to a few simple things... one of these being FEAR.
The enemy uses fear like a knife. But you know what??? GOD IS GREATER,BIGGER,STRONGER. HE NEVER FAILS.
The journey has been long and painful and continues to be so... but one thing is for sure. God never leaves me or forsakes me. I have to keep pushing through and trusting in him. He didn't sacrifice his one and only son so that I could live in chains. He did it so that we all could be FREE and made clean. His word tells us that he has a great plan and purpose for each and everyone of us. He cares deeply for each of us. I strive to live a life by his word. A life in which I trust not in my own thoughts but only in his word. A life where I find my worth in him and him alone.

God is present in our lives everyday, everywhere, no matter what. Don't let the enemy blind you and hold you captive to lies. 


So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18 


Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Luke 12:7

Key to the heart.

" Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in." - Jesus Christ (revelations 3:20)

            I read this in captivating and it has me thinking and also self evaluating. The first thing I think about is patience. Jesus is patient even with his deep yearning for a relationship with us, Jesus gently knocks as he calls out for us. He does this however long it takes for us to answer his call and invite him in. As humans, we are impatient especially those of us living in the land of the free and home of the give me instant gratification. Even those in our lives whom we believe to be most patient have breaking points. This is okay, for we are imperfect perfectly made beings of God. We are often quick to question God and also quick to blame or be angry with him. Many of us cry out "why are you not listening God?" "Why is this happening to me?" " I pray but you are not near." " God, are you really there at all?"

                 We question God in times of hardship. We sometimes take matters into our own hands. We start to believe in our ability to run our lives as we see fit better than God can. You are not going to like this part anymore than I do but the truth is God's timing is not your timing. God's plan is not your plan. In this there is an ultimate gift. The gift is that when we turn our lives over to God and allow him to direct our path we find his path for us and his path is far beyond any life we could ever have imagined. Maybe it is not that he doesn't hear or care about our prayers maybe it is that he answers them in a time and fashion we never expected. Be patient and trust in the lord.

                 Secondly, doors also have locks and keys. Each of us experience pain. Many of us are deeply wounded. We handle our hurt by stuffing it deep down in our heart and locking the key on it. No one can look at or touch your locked heart. This is a dark place we allow no one to see because we have been cut too deep and these cuts leave permanent scars if we let them. Jesus Christ not only seeks you to ask him into your life as his savior in heaven. Not only does the verse urge us to answer his call so that we may be saved and have a place in heaven but Jesus wants us to faithfully hand over the key to our heart. The dark and ugly scars you hold so tightly in efforts to not be hurt again will never heal unless we give them over completely to him. God knows you. He know ever single strand of hair on your head and he loves you eternally. I am realizing that I have reached out the first part of salvation by asking the lord to be savior of my life but I have failed to completely fulfill the other important part. I haven't wholly given over Jesus the key to my heart. I hold on tightly to the hurtful statements made about me and I believe them as truth...I claim them as identity. I am so afraid of letting go it feels paralyzing. I have have asked Jesus Christ to be in my life and guide me. I have asked him to come in the door and keep me company... but I have yet to hand over the key to the depths of my heart. Jesus wants the key so that he may fully bring healing to our hearts. He is always patiently waiting for us even when we don't hear him knocking and even when we feel completely unworthy of his name. Jesus loves us so much that he died on the cross for our sins. Let us work toward fully giving over the key to him. He gave us life... why should we not trust him with our heart? 


love in Christ,

Laura Katherine