Head down,
Ashamed.
Mouth taped,
Voiceless.
Hands tight,
Insecure.
Heart skips a beat,
Filthy.
Stomach churns,
Embarrassment.
Brisk pace,
Self hate.
My body screams
Hide away.
I wrote this to illustrate my immense struggle with being seen by anyone and everyone. I have been living life in such paralyzing fear of being seen and judged. I fear that everyone will see what I see when I look at me... even God himself. I carry around my shame and insecurity like the only garments to my name.
Recently, God helped me see that this fear is of the enemy and my cowering in fear gives Satan power and joy . The enemy loves debilitating us from spreading the light and love of Christ. I am wounded and vulnerable. Satan feeds off of that.
God's presence breaks off all of these chains and for a moment I am free. In worship I feel God's presence ever so strongly. All inhibitions are let go and all that matters is glorifying my father with all of my might. I joyously sing with lifted hands and I am unashamed. I cry and I am not alone. I smile gazing up towards heaven. I bow my head not to hide away but to be close with my father.
God not only revealed the source of my debilitating fear but he gently reminded me that he is ALWAYS in my presence. I do not have to live invisible and afraid. The bible tells us not to fear 365 times! God also promises to never leave us or forsake us. Jesus tells us that the Holy Spirit is always with us. Why can't I live life the way I worship? If he is in me and with me at all times then why do I only act as if this is true while in worship on Wednesdays and Sundays? How can I feel and portray the presence and love of God in my daily life? Alone I am a scared, hiding child but with God I am a bold, victorious woman!
Over and over again I ask myself, "Why can't I live life as if I am always in worship? Why can't I go through everyday proud and upright, knowing that my mighty Father is holding me?" The enemy wants me to carry around my shame while God wants me to carry around his light and love! I want to be an example that Jesus saves, not that Satan reigns.
Living a life in paralyzing fear of being seen keeps me from doing the work God has set out for me to do and that my heart beats for. I have a heart for others. I have a heart for the broken and wounded. I have a heart that wants to bring others joy. I have a heart that wants to serve the Lord. I cannot do any of this if I continue walking around with my head down in shame. My bad body image, shame, and fear keep me from feeling God's presence, even though he's been walking beside me all along. For too long I have been fighting my God created nature... in more ways than one. Here I am specifically referring to the shame that overrides my innate desire to give to others. I fully believe that one smile can be the difference in someones day. My heart tells me to reach out but my mind tells me I will be laughed at and rejected.
There are moments when my heart for the Lord overrides my fear and I am able to let go... I pray that one day these moments will reign over all of the debilitating lies keeping me captive.
Over and over again I ask myself, "Why can't I live life as if I am always in worship? Why can't I go through everyday proud and upright, knowing that my mighty Father is holding me?" The enemy wants me to carry around my shame while God wants me to carry around his light and love! I want to be an example that Jesus saves, not that Satan reigns.
Living a life in paralyzing fear of being seen keeps me from doing the work God has set out for me to do and that my heart beats for. I have a heart for others. I have a heart for the broken and wounded. I have a heart that wants to bring others joy. I have a heart that wants to serve the Lord. I cannot do any of this if I continue walking around with my head down in shame. My bad body image, shame, and fear keep me from feeling God's presence, even though he's been walking beside me all along. For too long I have been fighting my God created nature... in more ways than one. Here I am specifically referring to the shame that overrides my innate desire to give to others. I fully believe that one smile can be the difference in someones day. My heart tells me to reach out but my mind tells me I will be laughed at and rejected.
There are moments when my heart for the Lord overrides my fear and I am able to let go... I pray that one day these moments will reign over all of the debilitating lies keeping me captive.
