The Gift of Pain

My flesh and soul sometimes come before my spirit. They fail me regularly. The spirit never fails. Never relents. Never condemns.

My flesh and soul have been wounded and because of it I've held a callous hatred in my heart.

I have spent so long hating you. I've hated the way everything reminds me of you. I've hated the way you always failed me. I've hated the way memories haunt me. I've hated myself for giving you so much of my life. I've hated myself for putting up with your shit. I've hated the way I can't forget you. I've hated the way your words still hurt me. I've hated the horrible things you did to me. I've hated how you charmed your way into what you wanted and out of any wrong done. I've hated how you NEVER, not once said a sincere "I'm sorry." I've hated you for what you took from me. I've hated you for never being what I needed. I've hated you for making me think you were someone you weren't. I've hated the way you are still in my heart. I've hated how much I loved you. I've hated the part of me that sometimes misses you, or at least the idea of you. I've hated you for your unfaithfulness. I've hated every camouflage uniform, buzz cut headed man walking down the street. I've hated every obnoxiously loud silverado truck that drives by. I've hated how no matter how far away I run, you keep coming up. I've hated how much of my heart I poured out for you. I've hated the zillions tears I've shed for you. I've hated how no matter how hard I try, I can't forget you ever existed. I've hated how cynical and hopeless I feel about love.

Sorry, I realize that was long and redundant. But it is what I feel, and that's condensed. I have spent so much time avoiding, crying, and hating that I haven't stopped to ask God for healing or help. I haven't considered the spirit led outlook. This isn't some magical realization I've had but it is a significant step toward healing... I am hoping. As I told readers in an earlier post, I had a moment with God one day when I strongly felt the Holy Spirit telling me that he wants me to allow him to love me and to show me real, radical, unconditional love. That was pretty powerful but me, in my human nature, I still struggle. I am taking it a day and a moment at a time. One of the driving forces behind my many struggles is the uncertainty and fear that God doesn't and couldn't love me... that I am not good enough.

A while back, I started making a conscious effort to live life and make decisions as if I was 100% confidant in God's love for me. I decided to behave and live in ways that give life not death. If we simplify life, we can see that all of life is a battle between the life giving and death provoking.(Literally and metaphorically) (Deuteronomy 30:19) I have forgotten these insights lately and been more discouraged than encouraged.

I recently had a conversation with someone I look up to and respect very very much. I told  her how much I hated the fact that he is still everywhere and the fact that I am still so hurt by the pain. She told me that one day it won't be this way. I, of course, couldn't see that being true. She said that after a while we had a choice between living forever defined by that pain or to take the lessons learned from it and leave the rest... surrender it to God.

God doesn't intend us harm or pain but he does take it and bring forth good from even our darkest of memories. These sometimes take years to be revealed. In regards to the conversation I had, she said, "light shines through our deepest pain, like a stained glass window." Our talk got me thinking... what lessons can I take away? What good did God bring out of it?

I can spend my life hating the person, the past, the pain... letting it define me... or I can (while it will still hurt at times) learn from it. Once God helps me find it, I can embrace the gift of the pain.

We all have deep, deep pains. God binds all wounds and miraculously transforms our pain into gifts of insight, understanding, empathy, and many others. These gifts have the power to heal us and heal others. When we reach this place, we are able to reach down and lend a hand to those still in the midst of the type of pain we once knew.

The gifts I've received include:

- The ability to relate to and help others out of the darkness of their pain and find life outside of it

- The knowledge of what a Godly relationship does NOT look like

- The knowledge of what I DON'T want in a man

- Insight into how I want to be treated, what my beliefs and boundaries are, and empowerment to not accept anything less

Nana, thank you  for making me step back and look at the lessons I can take away from the past.

That's it for now!

Laura Katherine

Silent night

There are few silent moments in our lives. The most silent of moments come with tragedy or sometimes with moments of deep love. The horrific tragedy that took place in Newtown, Connecticut brought about a state of silent shock and sobbing all across the nation. Listening to the news and reading about the 26 people who died, I was awestruck. How could this happen? The images of those whose lives were taken are heart wrentching. There simply aren't words to capture the horrors of that day and its aftermath.

Many say, where was God? If God is real and is all good, how can such unwarranted terror occur? How could God allow his children to be so violently murdered? Where was God on December 14th, 2012?

In this situation, and others in life, I struggle with the same type of frustration and uncertainty. If God loves me, why would he let such terrible things happen?

(Whether I/you are an Obama fan or not) President Obama addressed the shooting with a solemn, empathetic transparency. He first said that prayers are needed. Not retaliation or government intervention but prayer. (in his first statement) He ended his first statement by quoting scripture. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3 I believe that God was working through Obama when he made this statement. Quoting this particular scripture leaves listeners with hope. I think God wants us to know that even in the darkest of times, he is near to us and will heal us. No new legislation, policy, or clarity of this crimes cause will bring healing to the families, students, and staff of Sandy Hook Elementary.

Mike Huckabee addressed these questions with maturity and truth. Some may say he put blame on the government and school systems for banning prayer in schools. If you go back and listen carefully to his response, he didn't say this at all. He made general statements about our society. We have exiled and forgotten God . It is not until we run out of worldly answers and means for hope, that we seek him. We shut the door on him and ignore his knocking for so long that we can no longer hear it. Open the door, he is still there. I love that Huckabee expressed with such certainty that God was indeed there. God does not cause such horrific catastrophes, however, he does always shows up to fight for us. Huckabee said "God did show up , he showed up in the teachers that put their lives in between a gunman and their students, he showed up in the policeman that rushed into the school not knowing if they would be met with a barrage of bullets, he showed up in the form or hugs and tears, he showed up at the over flowing church services where people lit candles and prayed, and he even showed up at the white house where the president who invoked his name and quoted from his word." He then said that in a few days or weeks we would ask God to excuse himself again because we no longer need him.

In many ways, we have done exactly what Huckabee foresaw us doing. Ten days later, many of us have stopped giving our time to pray, think about, and support those who lost loved ones and experienced severe trauma. We are more focused on our Christmas to-do list. The past week has been filled with an increase in wrecks, bumper to bumper traffic, over crowded shopping malls, rudeness, irritability, and unnecessary stress. We stop cherishing and anticipating our time with family and start viewing it more as another thing on our Christmas check list.

I believe that God spoke through Pastor Chris Hodges in his Christmas service message. He challenged us to have a "silent, Holy night." He explained that Holy merely means set aside. Instead of having a world focused mindset (presents, food etc) lets step away from the world and step into a place of silent peace, thankfulness, remembrance, worship, and honor of the one who came to bring us freedom. Silence does not mean void of noise or voice... but a set apart time from the noise of the world and of our minds. Step silently into the Lords presence and soak it all in. This day, he came as a savior to the world. Can you imagine the stillness of the night of Jesus' birth by the virgin Mary? Wow. She knew that she had given birth to the son of God. Now, that must have been an awestruck moment! Words cannot describe his love for us.

Pastor Chris used a very unconventional scripture for a Christmas service but one that God put on his heart because he knew we needed to hear it.

Psalm 131:1-3

"My heart is not proud, Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
 But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.

 Israel, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forevermore."

He never promised that life would be easy or that no bad would happen... he told us that there are going to be enemies waging war against us BUT he does promise that he will fight for us all we need to do is stand firm and be still.

My favorite part of Christmas services has always been the lighting of candles all throughout the church while singing silent night. This year, it was far more than a moment of spiritual goosebumps that soon fade away. It was a moment of revelation, love, and peace. I have an entirely new, insightful love for the song.

Let this Christmas be Holy and silent....

Embrace  loved ones and pray for those who will not have this opportunity. (especially the families of the deceased students, teachers, faculty, and gunman from New Town, Connecticut)

Disconnect from the world (yes, that means twitter and Facebook)

Give to those around you... even the one's you don't know.

Spend a time in remembrance, gratitude, and love for Jesus.

Spread the Gospel to those around you, who may not know the true meaning of Christmas.

Love everyone.

Believe in and embrace his presence.

Merry Christmas! Please join me in my efforts to make this a silent, holy night and Christmas.

Prayers going out to everyone in who lost a loved one on December 14th in Newtown Connecticut.

Christ love,

Laura Katherine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q01flrmTp5g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR39j1KMOsE