Out of hiding

Head down,

  Ashamed.

Mouth taped, 

  Voiceless. 

Hands tight,

  Insecure.

Heart skips a beat,

Filthy.

Stomach churns,

   Embarrassment.

Brisk pace,

  Self hate. 

My body screams 

   Hide away.

    I wrote this to illustrate my immense struggle with being seen by anyone and everyone.  I have been living life in such paralyzing fear of being seen and judged. I fear that everyone will see what I see when I look at me... even God himself. I carry around my shame and insecurity like the only garments to my name. 

     Recently, God helped me see that this fear is of the enemy and my cowering in fear gives Satan power and joy . The enemy loves debilitating us from spreading the light and love of Christ. I am wounded and vulnerable. Satan feeds off of that. 

      God's presence breaks off all of these chains and for a moment I am free. In worship I feel God's presence ever so strongly. All inhibitions are let go and all that matters is glorifying my father with all of my might. I joyously sing with lifted hands and I am unashamed. I cry and I am not alone. I smile gazing up towards heaven. I bow my head not to hide away but to be close with my father. 

     God not only revealed the source of my debilitating fear but he gently reminded me that he is ALWAYS in my presence. I do not have to live invisible and afraid. The bible tells us not to fear 365 times! God also promises to never leave us or forsake us. Jesus tells us that the Holy Spirit is always with us. Why can't I live life the way I worship? If he is in me and with me at all times then why do I only act as if this is true while in worship on Wednesdays and Sundays? How can I feel and portray the presence and love of God in my daily life? Alone I am a scared, hiding child but with God I am a bold, victorious woman! 


      Over and over again I ask myself, "Why can't I live life as if I am always in worship? Why can't I go through everyday proud and upright, knowing that my mighty Father is holding me?" The enemy wants me to carry around my shame while God wants me to carry around his light and love! I want to be an example that Jesus saves, not that Satan reigns.

        Living a life in paralyzing fear of being seen keeps me from doing the work God has set out for me to do and that my heart beats for. I have a heart for others. I have a heart for the broken and wounded. I have a heart that wants to bring others joy. I have a heart that wants to serve the Lord. I cannot do any of this if I continue walking around with my head down in shame. My bad body image, shame, and fear keep me from feeling God's presence, even though he's been walking beside me all along. For too long I have been fighting my God created nature... in more ways than one. Here I am specifically referring to the shame that overrides my innate desire to give to others. I fully believe that one smile can be the difference in someones day. My heart tells me to reach out but my mind tells me I will be laughed at and rejected.

There are moments when my heart for the Lord overrides my fear and I am able to let go... I pray that one day these moments will reign over all of the debilitating lies keeping me captive. 

A second in God's peace

Prerequisite for understanding the following post: Read the previous post about SURRENDER

Have you ever experienced the feeling that arises when you realize God is speaking to you? I am honored to share that I have had this experience. It is greater than anything my mortal mind can even begin to explain but I will attempt it. In a split second you feel a thousand pound weight lifted off of your shoulders, you feel this light gleaming into your soul, and in that moment, if only for a second you feel peace. For me that moment doesn't come too often but that one second is enough to restore my hope for healing.

Last night one of these beautifully clarifying moments occurred. Wednesday I attend a "small group" that has turned out to be more like a "small church." This in and of itself is greatly anxiety provoking for me (almost to the point of panic at times) but each week I keep coming back to face it again because my God, who creates a thirst for him and a thirst for Godly relationships within me,  is greater than the enemy that plants lies and fear as chains upon my feet. So just as every Wednesday I enter the house and greet people that I recognize and try to not show and struggles within. I had been feeling a bit defeated and sad that day. Here is where is gets amazing, we gather in for worship and a leader starts us off with a few words and prayer. The words that God had placed on his heart as a focus for the night were surrender and listen.  There it is! That moment when God says to you, " I hear your prayers. I see your heart. I know your every desire. I know you are in pain and I want to help you...." And greatest of all he whispers... "I am greater than all of this and I am with you." 

The word that had been heavy on my heart and mind did not just happen to be the opening word for the night. God knew that there were people in that group of individuals who needed to hear it. It didn't stop there. As we continued to worship I continued to feel God's presence and his touch on everyone there. I sang out loud the lyrics that DIDN'T "just so happen" to be what  my prayer to the Lord needed to be.Tears came to my eyes and I was not ashamed. The realization that God is with me and he is always with me nearly had me fallen to my knees. In closing we were instructed to seek out someone to pray with while the worship continued in the background. The sounds of that room were heavenly and powerful. Groups of people everywhere huddled together in deep prayer to our Father with the sweet sounds of worship in the background.
No science, philosophy, religion, or even "psychic time traveler" can convince me that last night wasn't real! No one can convince me that all of it is just the product of coincidence mixed with fabricated human emotions. No one can convince me that I am here today by chance and not by the Lord Jesus Christ's sweet salvation.


Starting a 30 day challenge of complete surrender to God
Please pray for me!


Laura Katherine

What am I surrendering to?

Surrender: to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.


The word surrender connotes different associations. We can surrender when a task is too trying. We can give up in the face of adversity. However, one may also think of a deeper meaning to the word. Sometimes surrender may be simply giving up to bad... but surrender can also be a turning over to good.  Surrender doesn't have to mean weak. Surrender can also be of the utmost strength. 

 I started thinking about war movies and such things in which one side surrenders to the other. The side that has been completely trampled over,striped of all essential resources, and lies broken and wounded.... that is the side that waves the white flag first. The reach a place of such desperation that they can't carry on any longer. 

This sounds familiar to me in a number of ways. Familiar in that I have been in this hopeless place and have wanted to give up. End it. Trow in the towel. Surrender myself. There are times when the walls close in and blind me from any outside light. Times when I have surrendered to lies from the enemy and taken them on like leeches upon my skin. However, there are different ways of surrendering. At times surrendering can be the only way of moving forward. Surrendering not to darkness but to the light. Surrendering to God. 

Over and over throughout the past week or so I've been hit on the head with the knowledge that surrendering to God is the only way. I have been all of the places that tend to lead to a form of surrender... wounds, hurt, depression, sadness, shame, exhausted and the list goes on. I have surrendered in a lot of way at different points in time. I have even had moments where I imitated the act of surrendering to God. Moments where I found myself so broken and desperate for healing that I allowed God into my life and I began letting go to parts of the eating disorder. Through my journey I have been saved and drawing closer and closer to God. I have come a markedly far from the lost girl "living" in worship of an eating disorder yet I am realizing that I have yet to completely surrender all of the eating disorder and all other strongholds of my life.  I have let go of some things but grasped tightly onto others.... so tightly that I stop acknowledging their existence all together. I allow these rules and beliefs rule over my life and pollute my mind. I hold on so tightly that I lock the key and allow NO ONE to see. I have given God full reigns over parts of my life and I have began to look to and trust him in many aspects yet when it comes to these certain locked strongholds I don't seek him or trust him. I am ashamed to write that out and consciously own it. 

God knows my heart, even the things I hide away from even myself. He knows and desperately wants to heal but he is waiting on me. The truth is starting to unveil in front of me but what will I do with it? Will I continue to hide and protect these strongholds or will I step out in faith? Will I surrender to darkness? Will I surrender to the light? 


That's it for now. 


- Laura Katherine 


"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security."


"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual."

"Unless you have made a complete surrender and are doing his will it will avail you nothing if you've reformed a thousand times and have your name on fifty church records."


"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. " James 4:7

For many people this may sound completely absurd but in many ways I find myself terrified of freedom. I could go on and on about the exact fears I am referring to and why they are so paralyzing but I want to put the focus of this post on a topic I believe many can relate to. Insecurity.

Lately I find myself asking why is it that when I am in the midst of worship I am able to completely let go of fear and all insecurities in my mind, yet the rest of the time I am walking around in constant fear. I have a daily battle in my mind encompassing everything that I do. I spend a lot of time hating myself, feeling unworthy, wishing I could completely crawl out of my skin, and convincing myself that everyone else see's me the way I see myself. I find myself always wanting to hide away.
When I am in worship is the time I feel God's presence the strongest and it is this time that saves me. It gives me a break from all of this. I am able to let go. I stop caring about what people around me think. I stop comparing myself to others. I stop the negative thoughts in my head. Really I should say God stops it. This time in his presence I am free... free and not afraid. I pour out my heart, sing out loudly, raise my hands with no hesitation, maybe even dance a little! I find myself in complete awe of his presence and the rest of the world stops.

Why can't I carry this feeling around with me everywhere I go? He is with me all of the time, everywhere I go, no matter what happens. Even when I don't feel his presence he is with me. ALWAYS.
What would life look like if I were able to channel the freedom and liberation I feel when in full on worship and live by it?? I have been on this journey of healing and changing for a long, long time and I have a long way to go but with Christ, all things are possible. He has already moved me, comforted me, and saved me so many times. I have to keep pushing through and maybe, just maybe one day I will live in this complete freedom. After all, Jesus came and died for our sins. I don't want to let my fear keep me from living life for him. I can't let what he did on the cross be for nothing. He has saved my life so many times. If I simplify everything that weighs me down and holds me back... all of it stems back to a few simple things... one of these being FEAR.
The enemy uses fear like a knife. But you know what??? GOD IS GREATER,BIGGER,STRONGER. HE NEVER FAILS.
The journey has been long and painful and continues to be so... but one thing is for sure. God never leaves me or forsakes me. I have to keep pushing through and trusting in him. He didn't sacrifice his one and only son so that I could live in chains. He did it so that we all could be FREE and made clean. His word tells us that he has a great plan and purpose for each and everyone of us. He cares deeply for each of us. I strive to live a life by his word. A life in which I trust not in my own thoughts but only in his word. A life where I find my worth in him and him alone.

God is present in our lives everyday, everywhere, no matter what. Don't let the enemy blind you and hold you captive to lies. 


So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18 


Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Luke 12:7

Key to the heart.

" Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in." - Jesus Christ (revelations 3:20)

            I read this in captivating and it has me thinking and also self evaluating. The first thing I think about is patience. Jesus is patient even with his deep yearning for a relationship with us, Jesus gently knocks as he calls out for us. He does this however long it takes for us to answer his call and invite him in. As humans, we are impatient especially those of us living in the land of the free and home of the give me instant gratification. Even those in our lives whom we believe to be most patient have breaking points. This is okay, for we are imperfect perfectly made beings of God. We are often quick to question God and also quick to blame or be angry with him. Many of us cry out "why are you not listening God?" "Why is this happening to me?" " I pray but you are not near." " God, are you really there at all?"

                 We question God in times of hardship. We sometimes take matters into our own hands. We start to believe in our ability to run our lives as we see fit better than God can. You are not going to like this part anymore than I do but the truth is God's timing is not your timing. God's plan is not your plan. In this there is an ultimate gift. The gift is that when we turn our lives over to God and allow him to direct our path we find his path for us and his path is far beyond any life we could ever have imagined. Maybe it is not that he doesn't hear or care about our prayers maybe it is that he answers them in a time and fashion we never expected. Be patient and trust in the lord.

                 Secondly, doors also have locks and keys. Each of us experience pain. Many of us are deeply wounded. We handle our hurt by stuffing it deep down in our heart and locking the key on it. No one can look at or touch your locked heart. This is a dark place we allow no one to see because we have been cut too deep and these cuts leave permanent scars if we let them. Jesus Christ not only seeks you to ask him into your life as his savior in heaven. Not only does the verse urge us to answer his call so that we may be saved and have a place in heaven but Jesus wants us to faithfully hand over the key to our heart. The dark and ugly scars you hold so tightly in efforts to not be hurt again will never heal unless we give them over completely to him. God knows you. He know ever single strand of hair on your head and he loves you eternally. I am realizing that I have reached out the first part of salvation by asking the lord to be savior of my life but I have failed to completely fulfill the other important part. I haven't wholly given over Jesus the key to my heart. I hold on tightly to the hurtful statements made about me and I believe them as truth...I claim them as identity. I am so afraid of letting go it feels paralyzing. I have have asked Jesus Christ to be in my life and guide me. I have asked him to come in the door and keep me company... but I have yet to hand over the key to the depths of my heart. Jesus wants the key so that he may fully bring healing to our hearts. He is always patiently waiting for us even when we don't hear him knocking and even when we feel completely unworthy of his name. Jesus loves us so much that he died on the cross for our sins. Let us work toward fully giving over the key to him. He gave us life... why should we not trust him with our heart? 


love in Christ,

Laura Katherine

TOXIC

Okay, I have several problems with the pictures above. But before I get to that let me educate you on them. Cover page number one features Selena Gomez. Selena Gomez is age 19. The second picture features Dakota Fanning. Dakota Fanning is 17. The eye catching phrases inked onto their picture and sent out to vendors all over the country read things like, " His best sex ever." Cosmopolitan is a magazine filled with about 50% or more of it's contents pertaining to sex and then the other half on what to do in order to be the sexiest, most perfect girl for men.  I visited their website just to do some research and I am repulsed at what I found. Everything on the page has to do with sex and beauty. Well actually, the word sexy is used way more the beautiful. Things such as " sexy hair styles." What happened to hair just being something fun for girls to fix up to feel beautiful or cute or just clean. I'm pretty sure I don't fix my hair every morning thinking oh man I have got to make it sexy not just cute or presentable. Men won't like me if my hair isn't perfectly sexy. I found nothing of actual depth, importance, or true value. Nothing internal all external. 

1. 19 and 17 years of age is way too young to be on a magazine cover that reads, " His Best Sex Ever." What message is this sending to teenagers today? People complain about and gossip about teen pregnancies and yet magazines like this are found in every check-out line in America. Practically promoting it! These magazines are practically screaming SEX IS NORMAL AND WHAT MAKES YOU A WOMAN A GUY WILL LIKE.... and so many other things. 

2. I was shocked when I saw these young ladies on these covers and their ages really astounded me but now that I am thinking about it more in depth... I wouldn't agree with anyone, any age  being on this magazine cover! These magazine are one of many forms of media sending out immoral messages but somehow these messages have deluded Americans into believing that this simply is just how it is these days. No, it's not! It is what were making it be and allowing it to continue as. All it takes is ONE. Just one person to stand up, stand out in a crowd of thousands, and say this isn't right. 

3. Everything in the magazine is about getting with, finding, impressing, attracting, and pleasing men. Women want rights and to be thought of as more than a piece of meat but the most publicized women in America are being featured on magazines like this one that are ALL about pleasing men and being sexy and perfect all for men. Not for ourselves but for men. What do men want? Not ever what do you want. My other problem is that many of the q&a done with males reveals that men don't buy into this idea of beauty. They often report that they are attracted to girls that are natural, and comfortable in their own skin. No, I don't mean comfortable in their own skin as they can have a magazine with their face on it all over the country all across the county and be proud. I mean comfortable in their OWN skin. Not the plastic skin media created and molded them into. ( I am almost positive men didn't mean that either) They often report not being as attracted to women with no curves. This is not meaning that I am saying no luck for the naturally thin women out there I am saying and what I believe most men are saying is they like how women's bodies look naturally... not starved and unhealthy. 

4. As if the media doesn't photo-shop and airbrush bodies enough, now all american women's level of beauty is subject to rail thin models, photo shopping all normalcy (and real beauty) off of women's bodies to have them look 'perfect, and comparing ourselves to a mere 17 year old on a very womanly magazine. This standard is simply impossible. unattainable. unhealthy. distorted. sickening. lies. 

Problem is it's power is influential. 

Girls, teens, and woman all over the world believe they are ugly. 

Fat.

Inferior. 

unworthy. 

We need more people in this world taking a stand. 

More people changing the image. 

More people following Jesus Christ 

less enthralled with the world. 

You are beautiful. 

Worthy. 

Special. 

with purpose. 

You are God's beloved daughter. 

I will never be buying one of these magazines again. Ever. Who is with me?? 

Jeremiah 29:11

            Alright, so it's been quite a while since my last blog post. I have not been feeling many hopeful thoughts or reaching any significant realizations or milestones to share with you all. (whoever you all actually may be) I also have been crazy busy since the start of spring semester. Lots and lots of reading textbooks and writing papers rather than reading my bible and writing in my journal. I have really been struggling with negative thoughts, urges, and bad body image. Just when I reach a place that I feel a bit more hopeful and motivated to fight for life... something hits me either an event of just the power of the eating disorder all by itself. It can be miserable and even paralyzing. I keep going through different yet very similar sequences like this and I am now realizing why. When I place the savior of my life on the back burner, even slightly, all else begins to crumble around me. My focus turns to the eating disorder and all other things that the enemy uses to hold me back. I become more and more hopeless and depressed. Jesus Christ saved me from death. He called my name out, shown a light on me, and stood with me in all my battles. I was so far away from him and yet he found me and delivered me out of the darkness. Even after this, I somehow still forget him at times. I work hard to succeed in school so that I may reach the calling I feel he has laid out for me. But when I do this and begin to forget about the God who put me to it... evil creeps in and does all it can to blind me and lead me back to a dark road leading no where but death. I stop listening to God and start listening to the eating disorder. NOTHING else in this life matters without God. God saved me from the grips of my eating disorder and Jesus Christ forgave my sins and made me clean. That wasn't for nothing. I can't let myself forget that. He must be first in my life above all else. For when I do, my chains will be broken and I will be set free. 



          Okay so all of that was not my intention for this blog post but there ya go! What really urged me to share was a spiritual experience this morning. My church has been in a series of tough lessons dealing with addiction, depression, and internal struggles. Today's message was on insecurities. The entire series has been one that I completely identified with and struggle with currently. But today I felt like God knew I needed to hear that very message. I have been battling with all of my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness for quite a while and this past week started feeling like I just couldn't take it anymore. I questioned if God could really love me unconditionally and if he really had chosen me or maybe it was a mistake. I judge myself so harshly that it begins to cloud my mind and I start thinking that all of the terrible things in my head are true and there is no way that others love me the way they say they do much less God. 
         Something really amazing is that I felt God speaking to me about these feelings even before the message started. During worship I suddenly felt that God wanted me to know that he does not view me the same way I view myself. That he wanted me to know that I am not all of the condemning words I speak to myself. That I am not defined by the sins I have committed. That I am not defined by the cruelties done unto me. That I am not forever dirty and ruined. That through Jesus Christ I have been made clean. Set free. The worship leader then began to read a verse... a verse that I believe came straight from God for me to hear in that moment... " For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11 
            Insecurities was the message title. First he spoke about what we are letting define ourselves by and how that controls our lives. Then he moved to the steps we can take in order overcome them. The words he said that moved me the most were simple but went straight to my heart... 
" God does not see you the way you see yourself in the mirror and he is not looking at the same things you are looking at." I can't look into the mirror without hating what I see. Yet, God is looking not at me but in me. According to scripture, God's love for me is changeless and it is for you too. What if one day I can reach a place where I am able to accept myself and even love myself?... I believe God deeply wants this for me. I bet it even hurts him to see how I treat his creation. The idea of complete self acceptance and love is unfathomable to me. The bible says that he called me by name and set me apart... I am a child of God. Today he helped me see that he has a great hope for me and also a great love. 



                  I need to remind myself of this each and everyday. Even after today, I can't truthfully report that I have wonderful self-acceptance and feel great. However, I do have a small glimmer of hope that what he promises is truth and that I don't have to be a slave anymore. One step at a time I will keep fighting. Every step away from the disorder is one step closer to God. This is my focus of the week. I used to start off everyday by making a decision to worship and "feed" my relationship with God today and not the eating disorder. This week I will start this again. I think I should add to it by also reminding myself that I am a child of my heavenly father! Such power in those words. 






Love in Christ, 
Laura Katherine 




Sorry this post is all over the place!