The Gift of Pain

My flesh and soul sometimes come before my spirit. They fail me regularly. The spirit never fails. Never relents. Never condemns.

My flesh and soul have been wounded and because of it I've held a callous hatred in my heart.

I have spent so long hating you. I've hated the way everything reminds me of you. I've hated the way you always failed me. I've hated the way memories haunt me. I've hated myself for giving you so much of my life. I've hated myself for putting up with your shit. I've hated the way I can't forget you. I've hated the way your words still hurt me. I've hated the horrible things you did to me. I've hated how you charmed your way into what you wanted and out of any wrong done. I've hated how you NEVER, not once said a sincere "I'm sorry." I've hated you for what you took from me. I've hated you for never being what I needed. I've hated you for making me think you were someone you weren't. I've hated the way you are still in my heart. I've hated how much I loved you. I've hated the part of me that sometimes misses you, or at least the idea of you. I've hated you for your unfaithfulness. I've hated every camouflage uniform, buzz cut headed man walking down the street. I've hated every obnoxiously loud silverado truck that drives by. I've hated how no matter how far away I run, you keep coming up. I've hated how much of my heart I poured out for you. I've hated the zillions tears I've shed for you. I've hated how no matter how hard I try, I can't forget you ever existed. I've hated how cynical and hopeless I feel about love.

Sorry, I realize that was long and redundant. But it is what I feel, and that's condensed. I have spent so much time avoiding, crying, and hating that I haven't stopped to ask God for healing or help. I haven't considered the spirit led outlook. This isn't some magical realization I've had but it is a significant step toward healing... I am hoping. As I told readers in an earlier post, I had a moment with God one day when I strongly felt the Holy Spirit telling me that he wants me to allow him to love me and to show me real, radical, unconditional love. That was pretty powerful but me, in my human nature, I still struggle. I am taking it a day and a moment at a time. One of the driving forces behind my many struggles is the uncertainty and fear that God doesn't and couldn't love me... that I am not good enough.

A while back, I started making a conscious effort to live life and make decisions as if I was 100% confidant in God's love for me. I decided to behave and live in ways that give life not death. If we simplify life, we can see that all of life is a battle between the life giving and death provoking.(Literally and metaphorically) (Deuteronomy 30:19) I have forgotten these insights lately and been more discouraged than encouraged.

I recently had a conversation with someone I look up to and respect very very much. I told  her how much I hated the fact that he is still everywhere and the fact that I am still so hurt by the pain. She told me that one day it won't be this way. I, of course, couldn't see that being true. She said that after a while we had a choice between living forever defined by that pain or to take the lessons learned from it and leave the rest... surrender it to God.

God doesn't intend us harm or pain but he does take it and bring forth good from even our darkest of memories. These sometimes take years to be revealed. In regards to the conversation I had, she said, "light shines through our deepest pain, like a stained glass window." Our talk got me thinking... what lessons can I take away? What good did God bring out of it?

I can spend my life hating the person, the past, the pain... letting it define me... or I can (while it will still hurt at times) learn from it. Once God helps me find it, I can embrace the gift of the pain.

We all have deep, deep pains. God binds all wounds and miraculously transforms our pain into gifts of insight, understanding, empathy, and many others. These gifts have the power to heal us and heal others. When we reach this place, we are able to reach down and lend a hand to those still in the midst of the type of pain we once knew.

The gifts I've received include:

- The ability to relate to and help others out of the darkness of their pain and find life outside of it

- The knowledge of what a Godly relationship does NOT look like

- The knowledge of what I DON'T want in a man

- Insight into how I want to be treated, what my beliefs and boundaries are, and empowerment to not accept anything less

Nana, thank you  for making me step back and look at the lessons I can take away from the past.

That's it for now!

Laura Katherine

Silent night

There are few silent moments in our lives. The most silent of moments come with tragedy or sometimes with moments of deep love. The horrific tragedy that took place in Newtown, Connecticut brought about a state of silent shock and sobbing all across the nation. Listening to the news and reading about the 26 people who died, I was awestruck. How could this happen? The images of those whose lives were taken are heart wrentching. There simply aren't words to capture the horrors of that day and its aftermath.

Many say, where was God? If God is real and is all good, how can such unwarranted terror occur? How could God allow his children to be so violently murdered? Where was God on December 14th, 2012?

In this situation, and others in life, I struggle with the same type of frustration and uncertainty. If God loves me, why would he let such terrible things happen?

(Whether I/you are an Obama fan or not) President Obama addressed the shooting with a solemn, empathetic transparency. He first said that prayers are needed. Not retaliation or government intervention but prayer. (in his first statement) He ended his first statement by quoting scripture. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3 I believe that God was working through Obama when he made this statement. Quoting this particular scripture leaves listeners with hope. I think God wants us to know that even in the darkest of times, he is near to us and will heal us. No new legislation, policy, or clarity of this crimes cause will bring healing to the families, students, and staff of Sandy Hook Elementary.

Mike Huckabee addressed these questions with maturity and truth. Some may say he put blame on the government and school systems for banning prayer in schools. If you go back and listen carefully to his response, he didn't say this at all. He made general statements about our society. We have exiled and forgotten God . It is not until we run out of worldly answers and means for hope, that we seek him. We shut the door on him and ignore his knocking for so long that we can no longer hear it. Open the door, he is still there. I love that Huckabee expressed with such certainty that God was indeed there. God does not cause such horrific catastrophes, however, he does always shows up to fight for us. Huckabee said "God did show up , he showed up in the teachers that put their lives in between a gunman and their students, he showed up in the policeman that rushed into the school not knowing if they would be met with a barrage of bullets, he showed up in the form or hugs and tears, he showed up at the over flowing church services where people lit candles and prayed, and he even showed up at the white house where the president who invoked his name and quoted from his word." He then said that in a few days or weeks we would ask God to excuse himself again because we no longer need him.

In many ways, we have done exactly what Huckabee foresaw us doing. Ten days later, many of us have stopped giving our time to pray, think about, and support those who lost loved ones and experienced severe trauma. We are more focused on our Christmas to-do list. The past week has been filled with an increase in wrecks, bumper to bumper traffic, over crowded shopping malls, rudeness, irritability, and unnecessary stress. We stop cherishing and anticipating our time with family and start viewing it more as another thing on our Christmas check list.

I believe that God spoke through Pastor Chris Hodges in his Christmas service message. He challenged us to have a "silent, Holy night." He explained that Holy merely means set aside. Instead of having a world focused mindset (presents, food etc) lets step away from the world and step into a place of silent peace, thankfulness, remembrance, worship, and honor of the one who came to bring us freedom. Silence does not mean void of noise or voice... but a set apart time from the noise of the world and of our minds. Step silently into the Lords presence and soak it all in. This day, he came as a savior to the world. Can you imagine the stillness of the night of Jesus' birth by the virgin Mary? Wow. She knew that she had given birth to the son of God. Now, that must have been an awestruck moment! Words cannot describe his love for us.

Pastor Chris used a very unconventional scripture for a Christmas service but one that God put on his heart because he knew we needed to hear it.

Psalm 131:1-3

"My heart is not proud, Lord,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.
 But I have calmed and quieted myself,
I am like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child I am content.

 Israel, put your hope in the Lord
both now and forevermore."

He never promised that life would be easy or that no bad would happen... he told us that there are going to be enemies waging war against us BUT he does promise that he will fight for us all we need to do is stand firm and be still.

My favorite part of Christmas services has always been the lighting of candles all throughout the church while singing silent night. This year, it was far more than a moment of spiritual goosebumps that soon fade away. It was a moment of revelation, love, and peace. I have an entirely new, insightful love for the song.

Let this Christmas be Holy and silent....

Embrace  loved ones and pray for those who will not have this opportunity. (especially the families of the deceased students, teachers, faculty, and gunman from New Town, Connecticut)

Disconnect from the world (yes, that means twitter and Facebook)

Give to those around you... even the one's you don't know.

Spend a time in remembrance, gratitude, and love for Jesus.

Spread the Gospel to those around you, who may not know the true meaning of Christmas.

Love everyone.

Believe in and embrace his presence.

Merry Christmas! Please join me in my efforts to make this a silent, holy night and Christmas.

Prayers going out to everyone in who lost a loved one on December 14th in Newtown Connecticut.

Christ love,

Laura Katherine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q01flrmTp5g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR39j1KMOsE

Aches

Ache- A continuous or prolonged dull pain in a part of one’s body.

Life is full of aches. They are often both physical and emotional. Science can provide as much evidence against it as it wants, but I firmly believe our hearts can ache. If you have experienced an emotional pain so deep that it physically hurts, you know what I mean. Many life events can beget this type of searing pain. Death of loved ones. Divorce. Abuse. Severed relationships. Failed dreams. Unfaithfulness. The list goes on.

These kind of “life aches” wound our hearts and are often left untreated. We try to deny and repress them instead of acknowledging them for what they are, reaching out for help, and gently stitching them up so that they can begin to heal.

I have a tendency to stubbornly deny my pain. I have a tendency to be impatient with myself. I have a tendency to blame myself. I have a tendency to think I have to do it on my own. There have been many tangible moments in my life to illustrate this. One example is the times I Danced performances or ran with a sprained ankle. I think most of us do this. We may acknowledge the injury enough to stitch it up but then bitterly or impatiently rip out the stitches. This may also be compared to the way we tend to seek a quick fix to our problems. We will often do anything we can to rid ourselves of the unbearable pain. These things often only worsen our state of pain and bring about more pain. Most times it is someone else that is ,in some way, ripping out our stitches.

Why is this? Why do we bury our deepest of aches letting them take hostage a portion of our hearts? Why do we seek solace in things, people, behaviors that NEVER heal or satisfy our brokenness?

There is only one who can take hold of our hearts, clean them, hold them, heal them, and fill them wholly! Jesus Christ can hold, heal, and fill our heart–all of our heart–  The Joy. The love. The dreams. The desires. The holes. The darkness. The broken pieces. The shame. The fear. The aches.

He can only come into and free the heavily guarded, dark holes of our hearts if we allow him! He desperately waits for us to open that door to him. I have asked Jesus into my heart but have only let him look through the key hole to those wounded aching places.

I think that the enemy know all this and he feeds on it. He wants to keep as much of us as he can enslaved to pain, shame, and lies. The more we close the door on God, the less secure our defenses become against attack.

I know I write about this a lot. I hope it doesn’t seem redundant and boring. It is just on my heart. I struggle with love. Love of myself. Love of God. Belief in God’s love for me. Because I am so afraid, I give him my heart but still guard those wounded areas. It seems when I begin to relinquish some of the pain over to him, Satan is ready to attack the “aches” back into hiding.  

Yesterday, something happened. One of those events that seem to rip out the stitches, leaving us feeling defeated, angry, and alone. As you may have read in my previous post, I recently began attempting to open up these areas of my heart and allow God to love me and show me his, real, unconditional, and radical love. Normally, I would shut down, revert back to old coping behaviors, and shut out God. Normally, the enemy would win. I want this time to be different. I don’t want Satan to win this battle. This won’t be easy but I am going to try. I am still feeling defeated, angry, and alone… but I am choosing to obey. (thanks Pastor Chris for the sermon last night) Not merely obey in the submissive, authoritative way we hear the word… but obey by remaining as open as I can to him and his plead to let him love me. This means obeying in practical ways as well… for me that means denying temptations to take control with old maladaptive ways, spending time with him, worshipping him and no other, and seeking his truth over the enemies lies.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

Please pray for me in this.

Love in Christ,

Laura Katheine

Relinquished hearts

What is a source of both intense elation and deep sorrow? It can be thrown around flippantly or reserved for only the most intimate of moments and relationships. It can burn in our hearts passionately or painfully. It can be cherished and it can be taken advantage of...

Love.

How many times a day do we use the word love? We use it constantly... (I love Starbucks, I love Alabama football, I love that dress) Do we think about the words meaning? Do we even know the words meaning?

I struggle with love. Real love. I know I am loved in a general sense but I have never really experienced unconditional love. A lot of times, love seems to come with stipulations, rules, and circumstances. The people I have loved most earnestly have hurt, abandoned, or rejected me in some way. Love is often used as a threat. "If you do this.... I won't love you anymore." This is said directly at times but often conveyed in a concealed threat or action. Please do not read this as a call for pity or a message of personal victimization. Everyone has experienced this type of conditional love before and I want to speak to that by sharing my experiences.

Because of my past, I have difficulty believing in unconditional love (especially from men). Therefore, I deeply struggle with acceptance and belief in the ultimate love. The love of God.

Recently, I received a message from someone I once loved. Two years later and my heart is still seared by the thought of him. How could he say he still loves me when he abandoned and abused me? For a long while now, I have been convinced and afraid I will be alone forever. Convinced that real love doesn't exist. Convinced that if it did I wouldn't be chosen to receive it. Convinced I am unlovable. Due to a few reasons, this belief and fear has been looming over my mind.

A few days ago I was in a time of worship when suddenly I felt that God was telling me.." Laura, let me love you..let me show you what love is." As if that wasn't powerful enough, later that day I read my nightly devotional by Nouwen. He wrote about letting God love us and letting God come into our deepest wounds. We tend to hide our wound with a band-aid and run far away from anyone who tries to rip it off or even look at it. God doesn't want to "rip off our band-aid," he wants to pour into us and heal us first. He already knows our heart and our thoughts. What he desires is for us to relinquish our heart to him, allow his healing hands to hold us, and change our lives forever. He doesn't want us to just forget about our damaged heart. He wants us to see the pain as he does--see it for what it is. CLEAN and PURE. Everyone of us has a damaged heart. Everyone of us has a fear. Everyone of us have felt and carried around shame. Jesus is calling us to accept what has ALREADY been DONE. We have been FORGIVEN, MADE CLEAN, and GRANTED FREEDOM!!!  

Jesus suffered crucifixion and death, and OVERCAME... he is not afraid or offended by our past, present, or future. He simply wants to live in us mind, body, and soul. He wants to help us RECEIVE and LIVE IN the gift he has already given.

Becoming like Children

To my sweet pre-school class and the children of Woodlawn, 
               
                Thank you. Having you in my life has taught me many new things, brought me joy and laughter, and also touched my heart in more ways than one.

You have taught me practical things like that markers are better than crayons, gummy's ARE a food group, not to worry when you try to off the jungle gym from the top of the slide because you won't get hurt!

You have also taught me about life and about God...

               In the book of Matthew, we are told that we cannot enter the kingdom of God unless we become like little children. Thanks to you I understand this much clearer than before. Children unknowingly display such innocence, love, forgiveness, and grace. They live a life in simplicity. Children of all different personalities seem to want one thing... to love and be loved. Children do not care what you look like, what you are wearing, or how much money you have. They simply want someone to love them. I love coming to work and having my little ones run to me and jump in my arms. I love serving in Woodlawn and having children I don't know jump on me to hold them. Even when children have been through horrible experiences, there is still a loving nature within. Some frantically search for anyone to care and some build up walls of protection.... but even the hardest of walls can break. All it takes is consistent love, affection, and hope.



You have also taught me that all of life's "boo- boos" are kissable! When children get hurt they go from crying/ screaming to completely healed in 2.5 seconds... all it takes is a simple kiss. It isn't in the kiss that they are healed. It is what the kiss represents. They want someone to understand and simply embrace them in their brokenness.
When children get hurt they don't run and hide alone or run even closer to their source of pain  (which I have done plenty of times)but they run to a source of love and protection.

As an adult, I catch myself hiding my "boo boos" away and looking for anyway to heal them by myself. Instead of running toward the ultimate source of love and protection (GOD) I run away from him. I imagine the feeling I have when I can 'heal' a child with a single kiss and open arms .... and then think of my heavenly father. How much greater are his feelings for me than my feelings for them? His arms are wide open and he is patiently waiting for us to run to his healing embrace. He is our FATHER. He desperately wants to protect. heal, and love on his children. 

Children are more forgiving than any adult I have ever encountered. I observe countless arguments and fights everyday at work. The fights are normally about seemingly silly matters but from a child's perspective they are huge matters. No matter what the matter is they almost always are able to exchange apologies and instantly become best friends again. They do not hold grudges and hatred in their hearts the way many of us do. The process of argumentation just seems to flow so much quicker and smother with them. They forgive each other and completely forget it happened. My mind cannot fully grasp this. Jesus knows everyone of our sins and loves and accepts us anyways. He not only knows our sins, he carried them on his back and covered them with his blood! Jesus is a healer. No matter how deep the sin, he is willing to forgive us. All we have to do is ask. He wants to kiss our "boo-boos" no matter how bruised and bloody they may be!

Maybe God designed children to mirror the way our relationship should look with him. Maybe he wants his children to come to him as just that. He created us with love, care, purity, cleanliness, and innocence. The ways of the world work to twist, take, and destroy his creation. Maybe Jesus tells us we must become like children to enter his kingdom not as a test to pass, but because heaven is a place of unending, unconditional love and forgiveness. 

Where is your life treasure?

Worship: reverent honor and homage paid to God or a sacred personage, or to any object regarded as sacred.

Dedicate: to devote wholly and earnestly, as to some person or purpose.

               I spent many years in worship and complete dedication to  false idols.. False idols that were killing me. Honor and Homage? Devote to a purpose? WOW. Do I want my life's works to look like this? She spent her life wholly and earnestly dedicated to disappearing day by day...worshiping an addiction that had become her identity. This came dangerously close to being the way my life ended.

             Thankfully, God saved me and helped me to identify and begin dethroning the idols in my life. I must constantly ask myself, "is this thought or behavior giving glory to God and radiating light or is it glorifying the enemy and bringing darkness"? I could probably write a book on this but I want to focus this entry on a recent revelation.

             I stumbled upon an old e-mail thread between myself and my ex-fiance. This alone was enough to shake me at my core...as I began reading my part of the e-mail, my heart began to ache. I was once again faced with the grievous reality that I felt such an intense love for him though this love was never truthfully returned or appreciated but used and abused. Aside from my shaken but previously recognized pain, a new conviction weighed on my heart. I not only loved him, I worshiped him and worshiped the false relationship I built up in my head. The intensity of my e-mail to him painted a clear picture of this. Despite the painful events I was attempting to address in it, still the words extruded love. My eyes have been unveiled and I now see that underneath my proclamations of love hid an intense fear... of rejection, abandon, pain, being alone, and my own unworthiness. For these are the only things I knew came from Men in my life.

              Prior to my salvation, the idols of my life were at work to completely destroy me in every aspect. I worshiped things that only hurt me. What I realized is that even if the relationship was one of healthy love and respect, it never would have worked because God wasn't in it. I don't know how real and healthy romantic love looks and I don't know if I ever will but I hope to. I do know that I now live my life to glorify the one and only great I am. It's not perfect. I fail frequently. But no longer will false idols reign over my life. No longer will the enemy receive pleasure from my self-destruction. The relationship was another idol reigning over my life for quite some time... I was expending love that should be first given to God. God MUST be upheld on the most high of pedestals and with this... he takes care of all else. I hope to never again place any person, relationship, disorder, sin, or any kind of idol in a place that is meant for God alone. I hope that my life continues to stay centered around Jesus Christ and that all things in my life flow from that center.

So, what is an idol? 
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Mathew 6:21 

• What do you treasure? 
• Where do you devote your time? 
• What can you "not live without"? 
• What do you give most of your praise and passion? 
• Where do you go to seek comfort? 
• What defines you? 
• What do you place your identity in? 
• What do you find yourself talking about the most? 
• Who or what is number one in your life? 

Do these questions generate any themes? Idols can be ANYTHING that is held above God... Work, Facebook/twitter, appearance, relationships, addiction, social status, money,sex... the list goes on and on. 
The main idols of my past had complete control over my life. I had become so entangled in them that I lost myself completely. For most of my life, my eyes were blinded so that my answers would reveal these idols and I wouldn't even notice it as an issue. 

I hope to spend the rest of my life treasuring, devoting time to, finding comfort in, worshiping, finding my identity in, talking about with passion, and placing JESUS CHRIST at his rightfully utmost high place over my life. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, Hebrews 12:1 NIV 

Worthy in his sight

     

               One of my favorite stories from the bible is the story of the prostitute "sinner" washing Jesus feet. Jesus sat among the table with Simon and others but was not offered any water to wash his feet or oil to anoint his head. The woman was looked down upon and labeled a sinner. Her act was absolutely inconceivable for many reasons. Her presence was unwanted because she was viewed as less than. The taking down of her hair was, at the time, unfathomable outside of the realm of marriage. She was subject to condemning looks and shameful glares of disgust. Her love and desire to glorify Jesus was greater than her fear. It must have taken tremendous courage... "but she is so focused on Jesus that she forgets about herself." (from book Not a Fan)

                  I am often so consumed in my fear and insecurities that they are all I can see. If Jesus entered the room would I notice his presence?

                  I wonder what was happening within this woman... She was looked at in disgust ,when even noticed at all, and my guess is that she herself viewed her own reflection through shaming, distorted lenses. The instant she saw Jesus she dropped all of her inhibitions and ran to him and began washing his feet with her tears and wiping them with her hair. That day, her deep desire to be in the presence of the Lord won the battle over her enemy formed identity and fear.
                  Jesus did not scold and banish her, (as the others did) he looked unto her with loving eyes of compassion and gratitude. He did not look at her as a lowly sinner but as a beloved daughter  of God.

                 This blog was put on hold yesterday morning.  The very day that I began writing about Jesus seeing great value and worth in us, the attack came. This subject is one of my deepest struggles and greatest fears. For as long as I can remember, I have felt unworthy. I have never felt truly chosen or worthy enough for anyone... especially by the men in my life. I am not saying this as a way to get pity or a flood of affirmations. I have recently been experiencing glimmers of hope that maybe... just maybe, I am wrong and maybe I am completely loved and valued in the eyes of God, maybe I truly am clean and forgiven, maybe this life does include great plans, maybe I will be able to overcome and though it show others the love and power of Jesus Christ....

              It felt as if the second those beams of light cast over my life, Satan covered them up and sought to bring me back into the complete utter darkness of hopelessness. The fear crept back in slowly over a week or so but last night it burst. I finally just broke down completely. The very day I was going to share this new hope, I was flooded with all of my fears. I started questioning everything that I had been feeling recently.

                       Yesterdays brokenness and fear are still here but I refuse to let Satan win this battle. The thought of how the enemy steals away the light in peoples lives and leaves them alone in their dark brokenness infuriates me. It is much easier for me to see this in other peoples lives. I hate to see others hurt and I hate when Satan takes away peoples hope. He will not stop me from sharing this message with people who may need to hear it. If this touches one persons life and helps bring them hope in Jesus and in their own self-worth ... that will be more than worth it to me.

                          Whats amazing about this story from the book of Luke, is not only in the fact that Jesus valued and loved an, otherwise known as, sinning prostitute and worthless woman.  What is amazing is that she chose to seek Jesus with her whole heart before she knew of his complete love for her. She didn't know that his love for her was even greater than the love she bestowed upon him. She didn't know that he loved her so much that he would soon die on the cross to buy her salvation and wash her clean with his blood the way she washed him with her tears. If she had never jumped out in faith and love, she would have never known how completely worthy she was in the eyes of Jesus. She would never know that she was not just a sinner but a valued treasure. The key here is that she had to jump out before she knew that his love would catch her. It took pressing into a deep desire and love of him, without knowing the outcome. Had she not jumped out, she would have always seen herself as a unworthy sinner.

                      My struggle is still deep. I have much fighting left to do. But if I don't keep fighting... the enemy wins and I will never know. I have to keep fighting in hopes that the fight won't always be so heavy and that one day my fight will impact another and that I will be able to minister his love to this broken world.

                                                     YOU ARE WORTHY AND TREASURED IN HIS SIGHT.