Experiences

Today I was blessed with a touching experience. One that is giving me chills as I think about it hours later. I felt to lord's presence in my life, in my heart, and in the church.I felt the lord reach out and speak to my heart...leading me exactly where I need to be. Exactly what he wishes me to do.There are moments like this, the one's that reveal themselves when we least expect it. Moments that compel us forward. Moments that pierce through straight to our hearts like lightning.These moments come into our mind and soul and almost shock us. They feel as if they have come out of nowhere. Then we realize that God has been planning this all along... It's like a puzzle being put together piece by piece...before the peices seem small and maybe insignificant...then suddenly they all come together perfectly all pieces working together to create one beautifully PLANNED masterpiece. That is how amazing our God is. I fail to remember that he always has a plan for us. Everything he does is backed with purpose. Even when we are far from him, he is ALWAYS near us. We are the one's blinding his presence. I have said this before-but the true power in it has never been as clear as it is today. When I was in my eating disorder, I was EMPTY. SHALLOW. LIFELESS.I was far,far away from the lord. I was spiritaully dead. This whole time God never gave up on me. He blessed me in ways that I did not see as blessings at the time but those blessing saved my life. He saved my life when really.... I thought I didn't want to be saved. He was there ALL ALONG.I was the one turning away from him. When I am confined in the depths of my disorder, I have no experiences. I have minutes, hours, and days sucked away. I go through life motions but I am not living at all. I have closed myself off from these messages God sends. In that time, I never once felt God just speak to me. I never felt the heart changing, all consuming power of his word being written directly on your heart. If I stay in my eating disorder, I may never feel that again. When God saved me from the darkness,he also blessed me with hope, love, and direction. I feel him guiding me along the way. I now have my heart completely open and devoted to him and now I can feel him. I have the blessing of EXERIENCING the all consuming feeling of God speaking directly to my heart. He worls in mysterious ways.... He has a plan. Today, I woke up with full intentions of restricting and sinking back into a few old behaviors. By 11:00 am, I felt the lord touch my heart in such a way that also helped me realize.... this is not what I need to do today. God is saying to me are you kidding Laura? You have so much to offer to others. I will bless you with the tools. Let me in. Look to me not your disorder. He reminded me of exactly what tugs on my heart when I start slipping backward.... I can NOT help others heal until I first heal myself. God completely turned my day around. I followed my meal plan 100% today. If I were not seeking the lord, I may have not been able to hear his words. I may have started day one of another slipery slope leading me down that same old dark road.

Powerlessness

Definition- inability
Synonyms- disqualification, failure, inadequacy,frailty,inability, weakness....

What in your life, leaves you feeling completely powerless?
In the past, I would have said "powerless?" " I am in control..." Yes, I know that in essence we do contol all of our actions but whether we like it or not our minds can become powerless. Recently I relized that I am powerless. When I was "living" consumed in my disorder, I felt that I had complete control. I probably had no idea what the word powerless really meant in any other context than that of an infant. I didn't want to even look at thepossibility of another way of life. Now that I am working towards recovery, one would think I had gained complete power. Recovery equals Life, freedom, choice! Yay!... Not true. Well one day it can be. Not today. Eating disorder's do not come with a quick fix. Now that I am in a better, more healthy state; I am reevaluating the question. "Am I powerless over my eating disorder?" The answer is yes. I have never TRULY seen or aknowleged it before. Perhaps that is exactly what is keeping me "stuck" not consumed in my disorder but not fully living life in recovery either... As I sat, thought, and wrote down all the ways I am still powerless over food and exercise; I realized that I am still very powerless. Certain aspects of my eating disorder, that I keep my fist clenched around are controlling me day after day. When I am truly honest with myself. I am still completely powerless over food and exercise. The daily battle that goes through my mind is full of the proof. The list I created speaks for itself. The realization that you a powerless over anything if quite frightening... The hope is in the fact that I SEE and ADMIT to this powerlessness. I am no longer blind and ambivalent to it. Now I see it but still feel the need to protect the truth of it all. My instinct is to deny it's control, continue living in it, and admit it's power to no one. Powerlessness at it's best. I am now challenging this power. I am attempting to loosen my grip on the disorder and confirm my desire for freedom. I have sent a copy of the list to my treatment team. I am sharing these thoughts with all who read this. Today I am trying my very best to "open my fist." I hope to one day have complete power and freedom. No longer restrained by a disease. Please take the time to reflect on these thoughts. Do you have freedom? Does anything in your life have significant power over you? The first step is knowing. The second is admitting.