Change can be good

I have been doing some thinking...imagine that.There are many moments when I feel that I NEED  my eating disorder to cure a feeling i find all to intense or to cure the fact that I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Recently, I have also experienced the refreshing feeling of not having it. Today I was walking back to from class with the sound of fall's leaves crunching beneath my feet, when I began contemplating how much more time I have now to enjoy these simple things. I no longer live a life that is sucked up by hours at the gym or running. My days used to come and go and all I had done was exercise until I was bruised and could no longer move. How refreshing is it to know that I do not HAVE to live like that any longer? I now have time to actually enjoy life. I now have time to accomplish goals of passion and not just goals of my disorder. Goals to follow God's plan for me rather than goals that slowly lead to death. Yes, some days I still just beat myself down and begin listening to the lies in my head... I start entertaining the idea of acting out on urges..."I just need to go run or I shouldn't eat this meal." Really though... do I want to be so consumed with exercising and restriction that It becomes my life...that I am both dead and alive?? Do I want to live a life in which I can experience the full range of God's blessings?  How great would it be to experience complete freedom?

I also have been working on an assignment. I was told to read the eater's agreement before every meal. I tried it once or twice and each time I got through about one sentence and disregarded the entire thing. It left me cringing and angry or should I say it left my eating disorder cringing and angry... ? I defiantly refused to read it and continued eating my meals the same ole either disconnected or distraught way. I then was encouraged to think about why those simple words created such resentment within me. I wrote it all out and realized almost all of my reasoning was driven by the disorder and that most of it was also due to intense fear. There were a few ideas in the writing that I simply didn't find helpful. I decided to edit the entire thing and make it my own. I have decided to share it with you all in the hopes that it may help someone else.

This was made as a goal for myself and many of the statements I make are one's that I aspire to one day believe without a doubt. I am not perfect and neither is my recovery. This is what I hope to be able to live out in the future. I now publicly agree to attempt reading this before meals.

 Laura’s EATER'S AGREEMENT

I hereby agree, from this day forward, to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for such participation - a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, and of the life that dwells therein, I agree to be an eater. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.

As an eater, I agree to hunger. I agree to have a body that needs food. I agree to eat food. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness and efficiency, the benefits of my well-being will increase. I further acknowledge that ignorance of the eating process may cause health consequences that can lead to death. I agree to believe this truth and not let denial and lies lead me back to that place.

As an eater, I accept pain. I recognize that I may suffer pain when the body is disturbed by the treatment I give it. I may experience pain when emotional and spiritual fullness is confused with physical fullness. I further understand that not eating to cure a pain cannot be remedied by restricting and may bring even more pain. I have not yet learned to completely trust myself and my body. I agree to trust in the professionals of my treatment team to make decisions that I cannot yet make for myself, such as my bodies need for food and what type of meal/exercise plan I need to follow.

As an eater, I acknowledge the domain of the sacred. I recognize that the act of eating may be ritualized and inspired. It may be given symbolic meanings that are religious or spiritual in nature. It may even be joyous. I agree to continually nurture my relationship with God.  I agree to continually strive for a mind, body, and spirit devoted to the Lord. I agree to “feed” and care for my relationship with God daily. I agree to take a stand against my eating disorders urges, lies, and false comfort.  By doing so, I chose to worship God and no longer worship the eating disorder. I chose to look to God for all my needs and not to an evil that only pulls me farther away from the true God almighty.

I recognize that at its deepest level, eating is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat, I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. I acknowledge that this choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. As a human being on earth, I agree to be an eater. I choose life again and again...

 “ Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from

God?...so use every part of your body to give back to god...”                                                    1 corinthians 6:19

“ This is what the soverign lord says to these bones; I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.”

ezekiel 37:4

xoxo 

Laura Katherine 

Awakening

One week ago, I thought I didn't want to live anymore. Darkness had sucked me back into a place of utter hopelessness. I wanted to give up completely. Today I was water baptized. I felt the Lord call out to me last weekend. I felt him order me not to let the strongholds of my life tear me away from him any longer.He reminded me that there is hope. That he has greater plans for me. In that moment, I made the decision that I would not die alone for no cause but that I will die, be buried, and live a new life through Jesus Christ. I feel hopeless some days but there is NOTHING that can defeat our God almighty! He is my light in the darkness. Today I declare a life committed to my Father, son, and holy spirit. I declare a life fully committed to worshiping God and no longer worshiping a disease. I still am in a daily battle. I am not perfect and the fight is not over. I know that without God, I would never have even made it this far. Without God, I would be dead. The eating disorder is STRONG but God is INVINCIBLE!!

Romans 6:3-5

Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.

Love in Christ, 

Laura Katherine 

Create

Create. When I hear the word create, the first thing that cognates in my mind is art. Art comes in a broad variety of forms. From the paintings of Van Gogh, the compositions of Mozart, the elegance and beauty of the New York City Ballet, all the way down to the precious finger-paintings, saved from when we were about 6 years old. I believe that all art is valuable and deserves respect. When a person creates, it isn't just paint on canvas. I believe artist tell stories through their work. Each and every creation is created via passion. One persons trash may be another's treasure. Creations come from the heart. My insight regarding art, leads me to approach all art forms with an open mind. Who am I to judge another's passion? I spend day in and day out hating my body. Most days I want to crawl out of my skin. Recently, I had a revelation. God is the ultimate artist. He created the waters, forest, and all living creatures. Then God created man and woman to rule over the earth. He created them in his image... (Genesis 1:27) When I repeat hateful words to myself day after day, I am also hating God's creation. He created everyone of us for a purpose. From our hair to our toes, God made us perfectly in his own image. He wants us to Love him with all of our heart, soul, and mind. How can I do so when I feel such hatred towards my body and some days myself? The unloving words in my head, can not be words of God but only words of evil. The torturous, diseased thoughts playing in my head telling me that I am never good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, worth enough... those are all strongholds of evil. Trying to kill me. Mind.Body.Spirit. God is greater than ALL of these. I am fighting daily to seek the Lord for all of my needs, instead of the eating disorder screaming in my head. Hopefully, The closer I get to God, the further away I will be from these torturous thoughts. Even on days when I am feeling "okay", even "happy".... I still have moments of hatred toward my body. Some days I just cry because I fear that It will never go away. That I will always look in the mirror and see only flaws. That forever I will  have moments when I hate being inside my body so much that I want to scream. When I can fully I think of my body as a artistic piece of work from my heavenly father, my life will be changed. I know recovery isn't perfect and that it takes time.... especially in regards to body image. But maybe just maybe this revelation can be my first step towards freedom. 


But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7


"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19


Love in Christ, 
Laura Katherine