Change can be good

I have been doing some thinking...imagine that.There are many moments when I feel that I NEED  my eating disorder to cure a feeling i find all to intense or to cure the fact that I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Recently, I have also experienced the refreshing feeling of not having it. Today I was walking back to from class with the sound of fall's leaves crunching beneath my feet, when I began contemplating how much more time I have now to enjoy these simple things. I no longer live a life that is sucked up by hours at the gym or running. My days used to come and go and all I had done was exercise until I was bruised and could no longer move. How refreshing is it to know that I do not HAVE to live like that any longer? I now have time to actually enjoy life. I now have time to accomplish goals of passion and not just goals of my disorder. Goals to follow God's plan for me rather than goals that slowly lead to death. Yes, some days I still just beat myself down and begin listening to the lies in my head... I start entertaining the idea of acting out on urges..."I just need to go run or I shouldn't eat this meal." Really though... do I want to be so consumed with exercising and restriction that It becomes my life...that I am both dead and alive?? Do I want to live a life in which I can experience the full range of God's blessings?  How great would it be to experience complete freedom?

I also have been working on an assignment. I was told to read the eater's agreement before every meal. I tried it once or twice and each time I got through about one sentence and disregarded the entire thing. It left me cringing and angry or should I say it left my eating disorder cringing and angry... ? I defiantly refused to read it and continued eating my meals the same ole either disconnected or distraught way. I then was encouraged to think about why those simple words created such resentment within me. I wrote it all out and realized almost all of my reasoning was driven by the disorder and that most of it was also due to intense fear. There were a few ideas in the writing that I simply didn't find helpful. I decided to edit the entire thing and make it my own. I have decided to share it with you all in the hopes that it may help someone else.

This was made as a goal for myself and many of the statements I make are one's that I aspire to one day believe without a doubt. I am not perfect and neither is my recovery. This is what I hope to be able to live out in the future. I now publicly agree to attempt reading this before meals.

 Laura’s EATER'S AGREEMENT

I hereby agree, from this day forward, to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for such participation - a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, and of the life that dwells therein, I agree to be an eater. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.

As an eater, I agree to hunger. I agree to have a body that needs food. I agree to eat food. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness and efficiency, the benefits of my well-being will increase. I further acknowledge that ignorance of the eating process may cause health consequences that can lead to death. I agree to believe this truth and not let denial and lies lead me back to that place.

As an eater, I accept pain. I recognize that I may suffer pain when the body is disturbed by the treatment I give it. I may experience pain when emotional and spiritual fullness is confused with physical fullness. I further understand that not eating to cure a pain cannot be remedied by restricting and may bring even more pain. I have not yet learned to completely trust myself and my body. I agree to trust in the professionals of my treatment team to make decisions that I cannot yet make for myself, such as my bodies need for food and what type of meal/exercise plan I need to follow.

As an eater, I acknowledge the domain of the sacred. I recognize that the act of eating may be ritualized and inspired. It may be given symbolic meanings that are religious or spiritual in nature. It may even be joyous. I agree to continually nurture my relationship with God.  I agree to continually strive for a mind, body, and spirit devoted to the Lord. I agree to “feed” and care for my relationship with God daily. I agree to take a stand against my eating disorders urges, lies, and false comfort.  By doing so, I chose to worship God and no longer worship the eating disorder. I chose to look to God for all my needs and not to an evil that only pulls me farther away from the true God almighty.

I recognize that at its deepest level, eating is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat, I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. I acknowledge that this choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. As a human being on earth, I agree to be an eater. I choose life again and again...

 “ Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from

God?...so use every part of your body to give back to god...”                                                    1 corinthians 6:19

“ This is what the soverign lord says to these bones; I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.”

ezekiel 37:4

xoxo 

Laura Katherine