Worthy in his sight

     

               One of my favorite stories from the bible is the story of the prostitute "sinner" washing Jesus feet. Jesus sat among the table with Simon and others but was not offered any water to wash his feet or oil to anoint his head. The woman was looked down upon and labeled a sinner. Her act was absolutely inconceivable for many reasons. Her presence was unwanted because she was viewed as less than. The taking down of her hair was, at the time, unfathomable outside of the realm of marriage. She was subject to condemning looks and shameful glares of disgust. Her love and desire to glorify Jesus was greater than her fear. It must have taken tremendous courage... "but she is so focused on Jesus that she forgets about herself." (from book Not a Fan)

                  I am often so consumed in my fear and insecurities that they are all I can see. If Jesus entered the room would I notice his presence?

                  I wonder what was happening within this woman... She was looked at in disgust ,when even noticed at all, and my guess is that she herself viewed her own reflection through shaming, distorted lenses. The instant she saw Jesus she dropped all of her inhibitions and ran to him and began washing his feet with her tears and wiping them with her hair. That day, her deep desire to be in the presence of the Lord won the battle over her enemy formed identity and fear.
                  Jesus did not scold and banish her, (as the others did) he looked unto her with loving eyes of compassion and gratitude. He did not look at her as a lowly sinner but as a beloved daughter  of God.

                 This blog was put on hold yesterday morning.  The very day that I began writing about Jesus seeing great value and worth in us, the attack came. This subject is one of my deepest struggles and greatest fears. For as long as I can remember, I have felt unworthy. I have never felt truly chosen or worthy enough for anyone... especially by the men in my life. I am not saying this as a way to get pity or a flood of affirmations. I have recently been experiencing glimmers of hope that maybe... just maybe, I am wrong and maybe I am completely loved and valued in the eyes of God, maybe I truly am clean and forgiven, maybe this life does include great plans, maybe I will be able to overcome and though it show others the love and power of Jesus Christ....

              It felt as if the second those beams of light cast over my life, Satan covered them up and sought to bring me back into the complete utter darkness of hopelessness. The fear crept back in slowly over a week or so but last night it burst. I finally just broke down completely. The very day I was going to share this new hope, I was flooded with all of my fears. I started questioning everything that I had been feeling recently.

                       Yesterdays brokenness and fear are still here but I refuse to let Satan win this battle. The thought of how the enemy steals away the light in peoples lives and leaves them alone in their dark brokenness infuriates me. It is much easier for me to see this in other peoples lives. I hate to see others hurt and I hate when Satan takes away peoples hope. He will not stop me from sharing this message with people who may need to hear it. If this touches one persons life and helps bring them hope in Jesus and in their own self-worth ... that will be more than worth it to me.

                          Whats amazing about this story from the book of Luke, is not only in the fact that Jesus valued and loved an, otherwise known as, sinning prostitute and worthless woman.  What is amazing is that she chose to seek Jesus with her whole heart before she knew of his complete love for her. She didn't know that his love for her was even greater than the love she bestowed upon him. She didn't know that he loved her so much that he would soon die on the cross to buy her salvation and wash her clean with his blood the way she washed him with her tears. If she had never jumped out in faith and love, she would have never known how completely worthy she was in the eyes of Jesus. She would never know that she was not just a sinner but a valued treasure. The key here is that she had to jump out before she knew that his love would catch her. It took pressing into a deep desire and love of him, without knowing the outcome. Had she not jumped out, she would have always seen herself as a unworthy sinner.

                      My struggle is still deep. I have much fighting left to do. But if I don't keep fighting... the enemy wins and I will never know. I have to keep fighting in hopes that the fight won't always be so heavy and that one day my fight will impact another and that I will be able to minister his love to this broken world.

                                                     YOU ARE WORTHY AND TREASURED IN HIS SIGHT.