What am I surrendering to?

Surrender: to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.


The word surrender connotes different associations. We can surrender when a task is too trying. We can give up in the face of adversity. However, one may also think of a deeper meaning to the word. Sometimes surrender may be simply giving up to bad... but surrender can also be a turning over to good.  Surrender doesn't have to mean weak. Surrender can also be of the utmost strength. 

 I started thinking about war movies and such things in which one side surrenders to the other. The side that has been completely trampled over,striped of all essential resources, and lies broken and wounded.... that is the side that waves the white flag first. The reach a place of such desperation that they can't carry on any longer. 

This sounds familiar to me in a number of ways. Familiar in that I have been in this hopeless place and have wanted to give up. End it. Trow in the towel. Surrender myself. There are times when the walls close in and blind me from any outside light. Times when I have surrendered to lies from the enemy and taken them on like leeches upon my skin. However, there are different ways of surrendering. At times surrendering can be the only way of moving forward. Surrendering not to darkness but to the light. Surrendering to God. 

Over and over throughout the past week or so I've been hit on the head with the knowledge that surrendering to God is the only way. I have been all of the places that tend to lead to a form of surrender... wounds, hurt, depression, sadness, shame, exhausted and the list goes on. I have surrendered in a lot of way at different points in time. I have even had moments where I imitated the act of surrendering to God. Moments where I found myself so broken and desperate for healing that I allowed God into my life and I began letting go to parts of the eating disorder. Through my journey I have been saved and drawing closer and closer to God. I have come a markedly far from the lost girl "living" in worship of an eating disorder yet I am realizing that I have yet to completely surrender all of the eating disorder and all other strongholds of my life.  I have let go of some things but grasped tightly onto others.... so tightly that I stop acknowledging their existence all together. I allow these rules and beliefs rule over my life and pollute my mind. I hold on so tightly that I lock the key and allow NO ONE to see. I have given God full reigns over parts of my life and I have began to look to and trust him in many aspects yet when it comes to these certain locked strongholds I don't seek him or trust him. I am ashamed to write that out and consciously own it. 

God knows my heart, even the things I hide away from even myself. He knows and desperately wants to heal but he is waiting on me. The truth is starting to unveil in front of me but what will I do with it? Will I continue to hide and protect these strongholds or will I step out in faith? Will I surrender to darkness? Will I surrender to the light? 


That's it for now. 


- Laura Katherine 


"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security."


"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual."

"Unless you have made a complete surrender and are doing his will it will avail you nothing if you've reformed a thousand times and have your name on fifty church records."


"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. " James 4:7

For many people this may sound completely absurd but in many ways I find myself terrified of freedom. I could go on and on about the exact fears I am referring to and why they are so paralyzing but I want to put the focus of this post on a topic I believe many can relate to. Insecurity.

Lately I find myself asking why is it that when I am in the midst of worship I am able to completely let go of fear and all insecurities in my mind, yet the rest of the time I am walking around in constant fear. I have a daily battle in my mind encompassing everything that I do. I spend a lot of time hating myself, feeling unworthy, wishing I could completely crawl out of my skin, and convincing myself that everyone else see's me the way I see myself. I find myself always wanting to hide away.
When I am in worship is the time I feel God's presence the strongest and it is this time that saves me. It gives me a break from all of this. I am able to let go. I stop caring about what people around me think. I stop comparing myself to others. I stop the negative thoughts in my head. Really I should say God stops it. This time in his presence I am free... free and not afraid. I pour out my heart, sing out loudly, raise my hands with no hesitation, maybe even dance a little! I find myself in complete awe of his presence and the rest of the world stops.

Why can't I carry this feeling around with me everywhere I go? He is with me all of the time, everywhere I go, no matter what happens. Even when I don't feel his presence he is with me. ALWAYS.
What would life look like if I were able to channel the freedom and liberation I feel when in full on worship and live by it?? I have been on this journey of healing and changing for a long, long time and I have a long way to go but with Christ, all things are possible. He has already moved me, comforted me, and saved me so many times. I have to keep pushing through and maybe, just maybe one day I will live in this complete freedom. After all, Jesus came and died for our sins. I don't want to let my fear keep me from living life for him. I can't let what he did on the cross be for nothing. He has saved my life so many times. If I simplify everything that weighs me down and holds me back... all of it stems back to a few simple things... one of these being FEAR.
The enemy uses fear like a knife. But you know what??? GOD IS GREATER,BIGGER,STRONGER. HE NEVER FAILS.
The journey has been long and painful and continues to be so... but one thing is for sure. God never leaves me or forsakes me. I have to keep pushing through and trusting in him. He didn't sacrifice his one and only son so that I could live in chains. He did it so that we all could be FREE and made clean. His word tells us that he has a great plan and purpose for each and everyone of us. He cares deeply for each of us. I strive to live a life by his word. A life in which I trust not in my own thoughts but only in his word. A life where I find my worth in him and him alone.

God is present in our lives everyday, everywhere, no matter what. Don't let the enemy blind you and hold you captive to lies. 


So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18 


Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Luke 12:7

Key to the heart.

" Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in." - Jesus Christ (revelations 3:20)

            I read this in captivating and it has me thinking and also self evaluating. The first thing I think about is patience. Jesus is patient even with his deep yearning for a relationship with us, Jesus gently knocks as he calls out for us. He does this however long it takes for us to answer his call and invite him in. As humans, we are impatient especially those of us living in the land of the free and home of the give me instant gratification. Even those in our lives whom we believe to be most patient have breaking points. This is okay, for we are imperfect perfectly made beings of God. We are often quick to question God and also quick to blame or be angry with him. Many of us cry out "why are you not listening God?" "Why is this happening to me?" " I pray but you are not near." " God, are you really there at all?"

                 We question God in times of hardship. We sometimes take matters into our own hands. We start to believe in our ability to run our lives as we see fit better than God can. You are not going to like this part anymore than I do but the truth is God's timing is not your timing. God's plan is not your plan. In this there is an ultimate gift. The gift is that when we turn our lives over to God and allow him to direct our path we find his path for us and his path is far beyond any life we could ever have imagined. Maybe it is not that he doesn't hear or care about our prayers maybe it is that he answers them in a time and fashion we never expected. Be patient and trust in the lord.

                 Secondly, doors also have locks and keys. Each of us experience pain. Many of us are deeply wounded. We handle our hurt by stuffing it deep down in our heart and locking the key on it. No one can look at or touch your locked heart. This is a dark place we allow no one to see because we have been cut too deep and these cuts leave permanent scars if we let them. Jesus Christ not only seeks you to ask him into your life as his savior in heaven. Not only does the verse urge us to answer his call so that we may be saved and have a place in heaven but Jesus wants us to faithfully hand over the key to our heart. The dark and ugly scars you hold so tightly in efforts to not be hurt again will never heal unless we give them over completely to him. God knows you. He know ever single strand of hair on your head and he loves you eternally. I am realizing that I have reached out the first part of salvation by asking the lord to be savior of my life but I have failed to completely fulfill the other important part. I haven't wholly given over Jesus the key to my heart. I hold on tightly to the hurtful statements made about me and I believe them as truth...I claim them as identity. I am so afraid of letting go it feels paralyzing. I have have asked Jesus Christ to be in my life and guide me. I have asked him to come in the door and keep me company... but I have yet to hand over the key to the depths of my heart. Jesus wants the key so that he may fully bring healing to our hearts. He is always patiently waiting for us even when we don't hear him knocking and even when we feel completely unworthy of his name. Jesus loves us so much that he died on the cross for our sins. Let us work toward fully giving over the key to him. He gave us life... why should we not trust him with our heart? 


love in Christ,

Laura Katherine

TOXIC

Okay, I have several problems with the pictures above. But before I get to that let me educate you on them. Cover page number one features Selena Gomez. Selena Gomez is age 19. The second picture features Dakota Fanning. Dakota Fanning is 17. The eye catching phrases inked onto their picture and sent out to vendors all over the country read things like, " His best sex ever." Cosmopolitan is a magazine filled with about 50% or more of it's contents pertaining to sex and then the other half on what to do in order to be the sexiest, most perfect girl for men.  I visited their website just to do some research and I am repulsed at what I found. Everything on the page has to do with sex and beauty. Well actually, the word sexy is used way more the beautiful. Things such as " sexy hair styles." What happened to hair just being something fun for girls to fix up to feel beautiful or cute or just clean. I'm pretty sure I don't fix my hair every morning thinking oh man I have got to make it sexy not just cute or presentable. Men won't like me if my hair isn't perfectly sexy. I found nothing of actual depth, importance, or true value. Nothing internal all external. 

1. 19 and 17 years of age is way too young to be on a magazine cover that reads, " His Best Sex Ever." What message is this sending to teenagers today? People complain about and gossip about teen pregnancies and yet magazines like this are found in every check-out line in America. Practically promoting it! These magazines are practically screaming SEX IS NORMAL AND WHAT MAKES YOU A WOMAN A GUY WILL LIKE.... and so many other things. 

2. I was shocked when I saw these young ladies on these covers and their ages really astounded me but now that I am thinking about it more in depth... I wouldn't agree with anyone, any age  being on this magazine cover! These magazine are one of many forms of media sending out immoral messages but somehow these messages have deluded Americans into believing that this simply is just how it is these days. No, it's not! It is what were making it be and allowing it to continue as. All it takes is ONE. Just one person to stand up, stand out in a crowd of thousands, and say this isn't right. 

3. Everything in the magazine is about getting with, finding, impressing, attracting, and pleasing men. Women want rights and to be thought of as more than a piece of meat but the most publicized women in America are being featured on magazines like this one that are ALL about pleasing men and being sexy and perfect all for men. Not for ourselves but for men. What do men want? Not ever what do you want. My other problem is that many of the q&a done with males reveals that men don't buy into this idea of beauty. They often report that they are attracted to girls that are natural, and comfortable in their own skin. No, I don't mean comfortable in their own skin as they can have a magazine with their face on it all over the country all across the county and be proud. I mean comfortable in their OWN skin. Not the plastic skin media created and molded them into. ( I am almost positive men didn't mean that either) They often report not being as attracted to women with no curves. This is not meaning that I am saying no luck for the naturally thin women out there I am saying and what I believe most men are saying is they like how women's bodies look naturally... not starved and unhealthy. 

4. As if the media doesn't photo-shop and airbrush bodies enough, now all american women's level of beauty is subject to rail thin models, photo shopping all normalcy (and real beauty) off of women's bodies to have them look 'perfect, and comparing ourselves to a mere 17 year old on a very womanly magazine. This standard is simply impossible. unattainable. unhealthy. distorted. sickening. lies. 

Problem is it's power is influential. 

Girls, teens, and woman all over the world believe they are ugly. 

Fat.

Inferior. 

unworthy. 

We need more people in this world taking a stand. 

More people changing the image. 

More people following Jesus Christ 

less enthralled with the world. 

You are beautiful. 

Worthy. 

Special. 

with purpose. 

You are God's beloved daughter. 

I will never be buying one of these magazines again. Ever. Who is with me?? 

Jeremiah 29:11

            Alright, so it's been quite a while since my last blog post. I have not been feeling many hopeful thoughts or reaching any significant realizations or milestones to share with you all. (whoever you all actually may be) I also have been crazy busy since the start of spring semester. Lots and lots of reading textbooks and writing papers rather than reading my bible and writing in my journal. I have really been struggling with negative thoughts, urges, and bad body image. Just when I reach a place that I feel a bit more hopeful and motivated to fight for life... something hits me either an event of just the power of the eating disorder all by itself. It can be miserable and even paralyzing. I keep going through different yet very similar sequences like this and I am now realizing why. When I place the savior of my life on the back burner, even slightly, all else begins to crumble around me. My focus turns to the eating disorder and all other things that the enemy uses to hold me back. I become more and more hopeless and depressed. Jesus Christ saved me from death. He called my name out, shown a light on me, and stood with me in all my battles. I was so far away from him and yet he found me and delivered me out of the darkness. Even after this, I somehow still forget him at times. I work hard to succeed in school so that I may reach the calling I feel he has laid out for me. But when I do this and begin to forget about the God who put me to it... evil creeps in and does all it can to blind me and lead me back to a dark road leading no where but death. I stop listening to God and start listening to the eating disorder. NOTHING else in this life matters without God. God saved me from the grips of my eating disorder and Jesus Christ forgave my sins and made me clean. That wasn't for nothing. I can't let myself forget that. He must be first in my life above all else. For when I do, my chains will be broken and I will be set free. 



          Okay so all of that was not my intention for this blog post but there ya go! What really urged me to share was a spiritual experience this morning. My church has been in a series of tough lessons dealing with addiction, depression, and internal struggles. Today's message was on insecurities. The entire series has been one that I completely identified with and struggle with currently. But today I felt like God knew I needed to hear that very message. I have been battling with all of my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness for quite a while and this past week started feeling like I just couldn't take it anymore. I questioned if God could really love me unconditionally and if he really had chosen me or maybe it was a mistake. I judge myself so harshly that it begins to cloud my mind and I start thinking that all of the terrible things in my head are true and there is no way that others love me the way they say they do much less God. 
         Something really amazing is that I felt God speaking to me about these feelings even before the message started. During worship I suddenly felt that God wanted me to know that he does not view me the same way I view myself. That he wanted me to know that I am not all of the condemning words I speak to myself. That I am not defined by the sins I have committed. That I am not defined by the cruelties done unto me. That I am not forever dirty and ruined. That through Jesus Christ I have been made clean. Set free. The worship leader then began to read a verse... a verse that I believe came straight from God for me to hear in that moment... " For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11 
            Insecurities was the message title. First he spoke about what we are letting define ourselves by and how that controls our lives. Then he moved to the steps we can take in order overcome them. The words he said that moved me the most were simple but went straight to my heart... 
" God does not see you the way you see yourself in the mirror and he is not looking at the same things you are looking at." I can't look into the mirror without hating what I see. Yet, God is looking not at me but in me. According to scripture, God's love for me is changeless and it is for you too. What if one day I can reach a place where I am able to accept myself and even love myself?... I believe God deeply wants this for me. I bet it even hurts him to see how I treat his creation. The idea of complete self acceptance and love is unfathomable to me. The bible says that he called me by name and set me apart... I am a child of God. Today he helped me see that he has a great hope for me and also a great love. 



                  I need to remind myself of this each and everyday. Even after today, I can't truthfully report that I have wonderful self-acceptance and feel great. However, I do have a small glimmer of hope that what he promises is truth and that I don't have to be a slave anymore. One step at a time I will keep fighting. Every step away from the disorder is one step closer to God. This is my focus of the week. I used to start off everyday by making a decision to worship and "feed" my relationship with God today and not the eating disorder. This week I will start this again. I think I should add to it by also reminding myself that I am a child of my heavenly father! Such power in those words. 






Love in Christ, 
Laura Katherine 




Sorry this post is all over the place! 










               
            

CHRISTmas Vow

                  It is so natural to get sucked into the worldly aspects of the holiday season. It seems to me that just as all worldly things that become number one on our list, the worldly aspect of Christmas can seem irresistibly appealing to our human eyes. I mean who doesn't like to get gifts and lose oneself in fantasies like the belief Santa Claus? This season is also a time when we all seem to become more stressed and depressed. Phrases like "it's the most wonderful time of the year" are all around but many of us are just "trying to get through the holidays." Why is this? I believe that it boils down to the fact that we become so wrapped up in the materialistic qualities of the season and we completely lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas. If God is not number one on our list he does not fall anywhere on our list. He does not want to be number two or three. It's so easy to become so consumed with the temptations of life here on earth that we forget about him. I mean why do we need him when we have such a rapidly advancing technology? We desire to have all of our human needs met and met with instant gratification..
              The truth of the matter is that no matter what multitude of riches we collect here on earth we can not buy the only thing that truly fulfills our every need. No one can buy their way into heaven without seeking Jesus Christ. We not only have to seek him but place him on as number one ruling over our entire life. My point is that Christmas has become so world focused and with this focus our expectations are never fully met. Many people's depression or sadness levels actually increase throughout this season due to many reasons. When we place the Lord as the center focus of our lives and turn our lives completely over to him we receive treasures that no amount of money can purchase. Christmas is meant to be a celebration of the birth of our Lord and savior. We all participate in giving and receiving of gifts but we forget the greatest gift of all. The gift paid by Jesus Christ on the cross. God sent his only son to save the world from all sin. When Jesus is in our heart, we have already received the only gift we could ever need. Forgiveness of our sin and a place in heaven's eternal kingdom.

The past few weeks have been difficult. I have felt very depressed and a little hopeless. I have been battling the eating disorders temptations to "fix" all my problems. Events have triggered the eating disorder to rage even louder than I was already battling. I arrived at Christmas Church service feeling very depressed with many thoughts of self-hatred and also battling eating disorder thoughts and attacks on my body. I began to worship, when suddenly I felt God convicting me. It was as if he was telling me he understood all that I was facing but that if I would only open my eyes, heart, and arms to him he would heal me. I felt him shift my heart from focusing on the hurt to focusing on the blessings. I then realized all that evil had been deceiving from me. Yes, I have a lot of hurt and shame in my heart. I also have a few amazing friends that are more like family to me. I have been blessed with friendships that extrude love for God. Friends that support one another, love one another, challenge one another, and most importantly worship their heavenly Father together. I have a wonderful sister, two incredible grandmothers, and a family that is extremely dysfunctional but very loving. When I was engulfed in the depths of my eating disorder, God never gave up on me. He was always there calling for me day after day until the day that I finally was able to hear his calling. Jesus Christ saved me from death physically, mentally, and spiritually. No matter how far away I was from him he never gave up and he never stopped loving me.

           I am not yet to a place that I can fully believe and trust in the fact that I am loved unconditionally or a place in which I love myself unconditionally. I still hurt and battle depression but there is one thing I can confidently say. I am BLESSED. This Christmas I vow to set all else aside and focus on gratitude for my many blessings. I want to celebrate Jesus this Christmas. I vow to celebrate his birth and the true meaning of Christmas.

Love in Christ,
Laura Katherine

Sticks and Stones

I spent today working on a friends house. I took a break for a second to get water. As I stood in observation a married couple that were also lending a hand. They were painting while two of their children took their afternoon nap and the other was playing. The small boy walked over to his mother, placed his hands on the paint brush and said "mommy, I want to help paint." I was expecting her to say no, telling him that he is too young or can't do it right or anything but what she said. She said "yes, here help me and I will show you how. She then told him that God liked us to help one another. They were not even aware that that small act had touched my heart. They were only going about their business but I was standing amazed. I grew up with a different reality. Words of inadequacy and unworthiness were spoken over me from a young age and continued at times even to this day. The scenario would have been similar but oh so different. Contrary to what some may believe, I know how to "get my hands dirty." I grew up working in the yard every Saturday. I think that my father just treated Danielle and I as if we were his little boys. I am grateful for this today because it taught me about hard work and many other things. So, yes I can relate to helping out in the yard or building houses but I never remember situations like the one I observed today. Most things I was expected to know how to do and do perfectly on my own and if there was a mistake I knew there would be yelling. I NEVER would have been told so gently how to help paint and I never would have had that followed by words of God. I have often been told that I can't do it right, I am stupid, I am an idiot, I am selfish, I am fat....The list goes on and on. These words that were spoken over me my entire life have shaped me and become a part of me. They were most likely forgotten slips of the frustrated tongue, intensified by the consumption of alcohol... but they have power over me even to this day. The words we speak are not "just words." Words have power. " Every time we speak, we either advance the kingdom of life or we advance the kingdom of death." They say that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I have heard this phrase from a young age and now that I am an adult I am realizing more and more that it is absolute hogwash! The saddest part is that the evil words spoken over us are the ones that stick with us like a leach,  words of compassion come and go almost as fast as they came. For some of us even those can be words of evil....when we give them the power to be. There are times when we are complimented and become convinced that the person truly didn't mean it and then we think up all the horrible things that the person thinks about us. I can still account for numerous evil words spoken over me... What I believe I have to do now is trust in God's love and in God's word. The evils of this world are all around us and always attacking us. The devil thrives on words... He is NOT The heavenly father so he can not hear the words in our minds but only the ones spoken aloud. These words are the ones with the power to advance the kingdom of death over us. I am getting on a bit of a rant so I will now try and reel this in. 

For me the most powerful revelation of all of this is the fact that yes these words have been spoken over me, many creating permanent scars on my heart, mind, and soul.... however, Through Jesus Christ these words do not have to forever be looming over me. God views me as a worthy daughter and not any of the horrible words I have come to believe myself to be through years of emotional abuse.  It brings tears to my eyes to think that every single one of these scars can be lifted off of me and no longer have power over me through the name of Jesus Christ. Words are powerful but most powerful of all is our heavenly father through him ALL things are possible.... 

This makes me also think about how I speak to others. For we may speak evil over others without even knowing it... 

My main points:

 1.) Our words have great power. 

2.) We are not of the words spoken over us, we are of GOD. 

" Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may even kill me."