Turkey, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie...Oh my!

Thanksgiving: One of the days each year that most american's associate with eating a lot of food! 
A eating disorder's worst enemy. 



         Looking back at previous thanksgivings, my memories are not filled with laughter and meaningful family time. My eating disorder took so much from these times. I spent days dreading the holiday. Days planning what I would allow and not allow myself to eat... planning how I can make it look like I am eating and being "normal" without actually consuming many calories...then planning how I would restrict to make up for what I did eat. This insane eating disorder planning combined with the tolls the disorder took on my body made it impossible to enjoy the day and all that the day represents. I do not have special memories from the past few thanksgivings because I spent them with my eating disorder. This completely disconnected me from all of the things that actually matter. 

Thanksgiving may mean many things to many people. To ME (not the ed) it means taking a day to remember all we have to be thankful for. A day of gratitude spent relaxing and connecting with loved ones. As a little girl, I remember helping my grandmother set the table for thanksgiving. We would set it the day before and then we would start cooking. Mimi has always spent days making each holiday perfect. She plans for weeks and in her house preparations start days before not only the morning of. I always took much pride in being to one who helped her with these preparations, and If anyone else had wanted to be the one to help her I may have had a come apart!  I loved being "mimi's little helper." As a little girl, this is what was special for me during thanksgiving. This is really the only joyful memory I have associated with the day. (other than the next day shopping) After the years as "mimi's little helper," something happened. The eating disorder happened. From that point on I dreaded the holiday. I feel the same anxious feeling arising as I think about next week. The point of this blog is I am trying to find out how I can make this year different. How can I take back what the eating disorder sucked out of my life? I want to remember this Thanksgiving for what it means to me. No longer as a day to dread. Its funny, to someone without an eating disorder.... thanksgiving is great! People are already talking about how they can't wait for turkey and dressing or whatever it may be. Food. Football. Family. What else could be better? ha. For many of us, it's not this simple. I think fully enjoying this holiday will take work and preparation. Not the kind of preparation I used to do in my eating disordered mind. Preparation to prepare me for a potentially triggering day and also preparation to set me up to maybe even enjoy the day. While people are out buying turkeys and planing table seating, I will be mentally preparing. I will visit my dietitian with a plan for that day containing my meal plan and plan for how I will confront my fears. I will have to take a leap of faith this thanksgiving if I want to enjoy it. This means confronting my irrational thoughts, fears, and rules that I have ingrained in my mind over the years. I also plan on going to spend the day before thanksgiving with my Mimi helping her as I used to do. I hope to be able to enjoy this day and set it aside as a day of complete gratitude. 

To all those struggling with thanksgiving anxiety, I hope that we can all conquer this battle. I hope that we can spend this holiday fulfilling our meaning of thanksgiving...whatever it may be. Even if it's eating a piece of pumpkin pie! We can do this together! Who is with me on this leap of faith? 


Please wish me luck

xoxoLaura