Unconditional Love

            Unconditional love...what a concept? Not love until you mess up love until you disobey love until you make a mistake not love until you find out they don't love you at all not love until they abandon you not love with self seeking prophecy beneath not any kind of "conditional" love. I can't seem to even fathom that someone could love me unconditionally. My life has been filled with love but many times this love has been broken, revoked, or come with great suffering. Lately, I have been attempting to grow to  Believe that God has a eternal, unconditional love for me. This has been greatly emotional for me to grasp. When it is in regards to others I am quick to confidently say God loves them always. I mean it is taught all throughout scripture. Somehow when it comes to accepting that this love also applies to me, things get foggy. 

              After all that I have done, How could he love ME unconditionally? I often have this sinking feeling that I can not be "cleaned" that I am forever "ruined." I also look back at all the years I spent lost. All the years I spent worshiping an eating disorder that blinded me from him completely. I have been so far away from him that I lost all hope and thought about taking my own life to end the pain. After all that I have done, how could God love me? I am still learning to love myself so how I am I to trust in Gods everlasting love for me? 

               The realization that gravitates me towards the belief of this great love is his faithfulness to me. Throughout all of these years, he has been there with me. When I was completely lost, he saved me. I had no strength, no hope.... yet here I am today. I am alive and fighting everyday to give my life to Jesus rather than turn it back over to the reigns of the disorder. Even though I couldn't hear, see, or feel his presence in the darkness, he has always been there. It amazes me to look back at all the different miracles he blessed me with...some of them miracles I didn't even know were happening at the time. No matter how hopeless and unmotivated I was he ALWAYS was there. He wasn't just there he was always calling me out of the darkness. The factor many people (including myself) don't realize is that just because we don't hear him doesn't mean he is absent. We have to be ready, open, and earning to listen to his calling. When I listen, I feel his presence and love. I just sit in awe thinking about this realization. Last night I was caught up in all of these thoughts. Just in disbelief that he could love me with this great a love. This morning I sat reading in the book of Matthew when I came across the verse that says....

 "And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." 

          These words stuck me right at the heart. God created me and he knows me down to the very last detail. He has known and loved me before I even truly loved or knew him. When I was lost he did not simple give up and say oh well, I have many others that will listen to me and love me. No, he stood beside me and continually called out to me until I was saved by his great name. That is unconditional love. The holy spirit is with each of us wherever we may go and if we will only listen he will lead the way. 

What an amazing God. 

Love in Christ, 

Laura Katherine 

I chose you when I planned creation…
Ephesians 1:11-12

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope…
Jeremiah 29:11

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you…
Psalm 34:18

 

              

               

    

Turkey, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie...Oh my!

Thanksgiving: One of the days each year that most american's associate with eating a lot of food! 
A eating disorder's worst enemy. 



         Looking back at previous thanksgivings, my memories are not filled with laughter and meaningful family time. My eating disorder took so much from these times. I spent days dreading the holiday. Days planning what I would allow and not allow myself to eat... planning how I can make it look like I am eating and being "normal" without actually consuming many calories...then planning how I would restrict to make up for what I did eat. This insane eating disorder planning combined with the tolls the disorder took on my body made it impossible to enjoy the day and all that the day represents. I do not have special memories from the past few thanksgivings because I spent them with my eating disorder. This completely disconnected me from all of the things that actually matter. 

Thanksgiving may mean many things to many people. To ME (not the ed) it means taking a day to remember all we have to be thankful for. A day of gratitude spent relaxing and connecting with loved ones. As a little girl, I remember helping my grandmother set the table for thanksgiving. We would set it the day before and then we would start cooking. Mimi has always spent days making each holiday perfect. She plans for weeks and in her house preparations start days before not only the morning of. I always took much pride in being to one who helped her with these preparations, and If anyone else had wanted to be the one to help her I may have had a come apart!  I loved being "mimi's little helper." As a little girl, this is what was special for me during thanksgiving. This is really the only joyful memory I have associated with the day. (other than the next day shopping) After the years as "mimi's little helper," something happened. The eating disorder happened. From that point on I dreaded the holiday. I feel the same anxious feeling arising as I think about next week. The point of this blog is I am trying to find out how I can make this year different. How can I take back what the eating disorder sucked out of my life? I want to remember this Thanksgiving for what it means to me. No longer as a day to dread. Its funny, to someone without an eating disorder.... thanksgiving is great! People are already talking about how they can't wait for turkey and dressing or whatever it may be. Food. Football. Family. What else could be better? ha. For many of us, it's not this simple. I think fully enjoying this holiday will take work and preparation. Not the kind of preparation I used to do in my eating disordered mind. Preparation to prepare me for a potentially triggering day and also preparation to set me up to maybe even enjoy the day. While people are out buying turkeys and planing table seating, I will be mentally preparing. I will visit my dietitian with a plan for that day containing my meal plan and plan for how I will confront my fears. I will have to take a leap of faith this thanksgiving if I want to enjoy it. This means confronting my irrational thoughts, fears, and rules that I have ingrained in my mind over the years. I also plan on going to spend the day before thanksgiving with my Mimi helping her as I used to do. I hope to be able to enjoy this day and set it aside as a day of complete gratitude. 

To all those struggling with thanksgiving anxiety, I hope that we can all conquer this battle. I hope that we can spend this holiday fulfilling our meaning of thanksgiving...whatever it may be. Even if it's eating a piece of pumpkin pie! We can do this together! Who is with me on this leap of faith? 


Please wish me luck

xoxoLaura