Daily Decisions

The sun is beaming down on my face as I sit among God's perfectly beautiful creation. The ocean breeze is blowing my hair in and out of my face as I sit and soak in the rays of god's presence. I feel more comfort that I have in a long time. I am here with my family visiting our second home as we do once every year at this time. I feel love and joy suround me. I am blessed to have a loving family and deep friendships to help me through everyday. I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to spend a week of joyus relaxation here with loved one's. Even here in the midst of all of god's blessings.... I am fighting of dark thoughts left and right. These thoughts often imprison my mind and steel my joy. The self critical thoughts start flooding in and I check out of the presence of God all around me and I check into the controlling thoughts of my eating disorder. These thoughts are intense and unloving. I start to obsess about my body and how I must be a fool for thinking I can wear a bathing suit and what others have to be thinking about me and all the weight I have gained. I start picking apart all of my imperfections and allowing them to fuel plans of letting the eating disorder win. In the past, I have allowed these thoughts to fester and turn into life sucking, unloving actions. They would paralize me and bring me to a place far from the lord. Today I want to make a concious decision to fight back against my eating disorder. I choose turn away from the unloving and open my heart and mind to my heavenly father. Even if I can only hold this commitment for today, it is a commitment I have never been able to keep before. I am alive today because of god. He patiently waited for me to surrender to his love and he blessed me with miracles along the way... miracles that I was blind to, I now know changed my life. Today I choose to lay here, in my bathing suit, and soak in the sun's rays while I allow the lord to fill my mind with joy and gratitude for the blessings around me. I fight against the evil thoughts knocking on the back door of my past and look to God for a path I know he has paved. I spent years fighting against my body.In that time, I lost sight of God but he never lost sight of me. He made my body resilient against all the harm I caused it. He healed me when at first, I did not want to heal. Even when I had lost all hope and all connection to my lord he patiently awaited my acceptance of his eternal love. The unloving thoughts are creeping in and atempting to win me over. Today I choose to surrender. Not to the lies of my disorder but to the love of God. For my body is his temple, he created every square inch of me to his desire and he created my body in his perfect image. I am working on accepting my body as part of his perfectly imperfect creation and not as an enemy to battle against day after day. I am opening up my heart to God and turning away from all evil that attemtps to destroy my connection to the one and only great I am. For the first time ever I can firmly say that today I am chosing life. A life lived for God rather than a life lived (if that is what you wanna call it) controlled by my disorder.

Laura Katherine