waves

Today, I have sadly lost sight of the "decision" I made yesterday. The decision did not live throughout the night... The thoughts found a way to creep in as they always do. These thoughts creep in and bring me down. They bring me back to a place far away from God and closely enmessed with my eating disorder. I am exausted. sick. tired. I fight day after day and day for a life in freedom and keep getting dragged back into a hallowlife. Some days I experience moments that I feel I can come up for a breath of relief only to be quickly knocked down by the next wave. Like the waves in the ocean that never stop crashing in... some powerful, some gentle, some large, some small. All kinds of "waves" crash into our lives daily. The important thing is that we get back up. As hard as the journey to recovery is, the roads of my past lead to one place... a dead end. I must push through every wave and look not to my eating disorder for support but to my lord and savior for comfort. I believe God has a plan greater for me than all of this. Greater than I can imagine. The second I look to my old behaviors for comfort, I lose all sight of this. I lay here during what is supossed to be a time of relaxation wieghed down by the thoughts in my head. My eating disorder finds a way ,even when I am surounded by loving family and beatiful creation, to interupt my peace. Taking photographs of memories becomes torture. Simple statements, questions, and compliments about food become harsh criticism. Anything said in regard to my body becomes fuel for me to tell myself how  BLANK,BLANK,BLANK,andBLANK I am. I have had such paralyzing  bad body image lately that I can hardly stand being seen, having people comment on me apperance what so ever, and just being in my own skin. Instead of allowing all of this to win and hiding out in my largest pair of sweats in complete isolation (as I used to do daily), I went out in my bathing suit and layed in the sun with my best friend. Yes, I had horrible thoughts but I was not completely letting them win. I am not yet in complete acceptance of my body, but I am one step closer than yesterday.     "The one who sows to his flesh will reap corruption from the flesh, but the one who sows to the spirit will reap eternal life from the spirit" Galatians 6:8

dr