Lies

Lie-a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.

Yesterday was one of those days when the lies of my eating disorder become meshed with the reality some part of me knows to be true. A day that leaves me feeling hopeless and alone. I had such a hard time with meals yesterday. I was trapped in the lies of my eating disorder. I looked at them as truth. I felt embarassed to be seen eating because I had bad thoughts in my head about how much weight I have gained and how gross I am. I hate that I should be here in complete relaxation with my family but my eating disorder once again has found it's way to take that away from me. I am constantly embarassed about everything I do. My family loves me and is proud of me. So they ask lots of questions about the food I cook and what I eat... I can't stand it. I feel gross. I have to start fighting against this. How? I can't seem to reverse or heal the mindset that has been permanent in my mind for a very long time. I allow myself to believe lies such as.... Food = weakness, food= weight gain, enjoying food is out of the question. My eating disorder tells me that if I do it I have to hate it and never have positive thoughts about it. I can't seem to completely surrender. I need to start conciously deciding to open my fist and have more of a accepting "open handed" mindset. I will NEVER get better if I can't find a way to stop believing the lies and talking back to them. I just feel hopeless some days because I fear that I will never be able to live a life where I do not feel trapped in this with no way out. I am so afraid that this will never stop. I will never heal. I will be miserable forever. I truly do have a desire to heal and live a life completely for the lord with nothing pulling me back. I want a life where I can live freely with no chains pulling me down. I am afraid of that never happening. Maybe just maybe... light is coming soon and if I keep pushing I will be able to see it. I am a firm believer that God has a plan for me. That is the thing that helps get me through everyday. God loves me. God has a plan for my life. As hard as this is, I must keep striving to push these thoughts aside and look to God. He has a plan for my life. I want to worship him with all of my mind, heart,and soul. I do not want to ever return to the life I once lived worshiping a disorder. Lies can hurt us more than anything. Today I will try to believe what I know to be true deep in my heart and CHOOSE not to believe the lies of my eating disorder.


Yesterday I sat in the bookstore floor rading a book about emotionally abusive relationships... As I read I was reminded of how real my past was and how hurtful it was. Almost every word I read described a realationship I have or had that was painful. Relationships with men and relationships with my parents. I lived my 20 years believing how I was treated was all "normal." In many different ways, I have been suffering from emotional abuse for years. This had impacted me very deeply. Yes, this is sad and upseting... but... not all of this is "bad." I am who I am today because of all of the things I have been through. There is good and bad in every situation. God has helped me along the way. Now he has blessed me with the best lesson of all. Today I can look back at my past and see what I could not see then. I see that the things I just accepted as normal as unhealthy and abusive. I am starting to see how this affected me. I am starting to see a path that stems off of this dark road I have been on for a long while. Today I have a voice. Today I know I do not have to accept this abuse. I have the right and strength to seperate myself from it. I choose to believe my truth and stand up for that and no longer give into any lies that before I knew as truth.

Laura Katherine