Powerlessness

Definition- inability
Synonyms- disqualification, failure, inadequacy,frailty,inability, weakness....

What in your life, leaves you feeling completely powerless?
In the past, I would have said "powerless?" " I am in control..." Yes, I know that in essence we do contol all of our actions but whether we like it or not our minds can become powerless. Recently I relized that I am powerless. When I was "living" consumed in my disorder, I felt that I had complete control. I probably had no idea what the word powerless really meant in any other context than that of an infant. I didn't want to even look at thepossibility of another way of life. Now that I am working towards recovery, one would think I had gained complete power. Recovery equals Life, freedom, choice! Yay!... Not true. Well one day it can be. Not today. Eating disorder's do not come with a quick fix. Now that I am in a better, more healthy state; I am reevaluating the question. "Am I powerless over my eating disorder?" The answer is yes. I have never TRULY seen or aknowleged it before. Perhaps that is exactly what is keeping me "stuck" not consumed in my disorder but not fully living life in recovery either... As I sat, thought, and wrote down all the ways I am still powerless over food and exercise; I realized that I am still very powerless. Certain aspects of my eating disorder, that I keep my fist clenched around are controlling me day after day. When I am truly honest with myself. I am still completely powerless over food and exercise. The daily battle that goes through my mind is full of the proof. The list I created speaks for itself. The realization that you a powerless over anything if quite frightening... The hope is in the fact that I SEE and ADMIT to this powerlessness. I am no longer blind and ambivalent to it. Now I see it but still feel the need to protect the truth of it all. My instinct is to deny it's control, continue living in it, and admit it's power to no one. Powerlessness at it's best. I am now challenging this power. I am attempting to loosen my grip on the disorder and confirm my desire for freedom. I have sent a copy of the list to my treatment team. I am sharing these thoughts with all who read this. Today I am trying my very best to "open my fist." I hope to one day have complete power and freedom. No longer restrained by a disease. Please take the time to reflect on these thoughts. Do you have freedom? Does anything in your life have significant power over you? The first step is knowing. The second is admitting.