God did not ever intend on us being alone. Simple statement. Powerful meaning. Until this past sunday, I had never realized this. When I was in my ED, I was ALL alone. I neglected all of my relationships. I was completely lost... blinded by my addiction. I neglected the most important relationship of all... the one with God. Leaving a life consumed by my ED means that I can find a life in recovery. A life full of meaningful connections and love. When I live a life in recovery, I will know deep down that I am never alone...for wherever I may go the lord is with me. In the same message I took with me that words, "if it isn't coming from someone that loves me, I DON'T CARE." Painful unloving words have no significance. The words of our loved one's are the only one's that have meaning. I have never lived with this in mind. I spend my life concerned with what a stranger, insect, or object think of me. Worst of all, parts of me do not love myself. Why do I listen to the unloving thoughts that play in my head daily? The thoughts that come from a part of me filled with self-hatred and deprived any self-compassion. I am chained down by them. Whenever the accepting, loving side attempts to over-take them; the other part goes on a rampage. Will it ever end? Will I ever find a place that I can truly view myself with a loving, radical acceptance? Not only a few parts of me but ALL of me. In my past, I spent life avoiding relationships at all cost. I kept myself in isolation to protect and devote time to my ED. When I went to treatment, I had to give it all up. In doing so, I was forced to unleash feelings that I had burried deep, deep down. Dealing with all of these feelings left me convinced that I would be alone forever. I truly thought I would die alone. "who would want to be with me? " When I began to open up and let others in, I found myself in truly loving, meaningful relationships with the most amazing women I have ever met. Even then that part of me was convinced that it was all fake. I second guessed myself. I found myslef opening up and then frantically withdrawing. I felt such self hatred towards myself, that I found it impossible for anyone to actually care about me... Looking back, I see that it was in the moments that I came out of hiding.... I truly came back to life. Those relationships helped me through the darkness and toward life anew. I am forever grateful for every one of them. Still today, I find myself afraid to let others in. I have transforemd but not yet have I completely conquered.I used to have the defeating belief that I would spend forever alone. I lived everyday with this hopelessness. Today, there are times of vulnerability when I find myself trapped in these old thoughts. I am still afraid. The broken parts of me still need time and effort to mend. Some days, I just feel trapped. Petrified. The difference is now I have found the ultimate connection in life. My relationship with God. God did NOT intend for us to be alone. God placed special people in my life during this time of hardship. He placed them there for a reason. With God in my heart, I can challenge the fears. The fears that became second nature to me. Fears of being hurt and abandoned. The experiences and fears from my past haunt me. I know now that the only way to overcome them is to trust in God. He will never leave or harm me.
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid becasue of them, for the lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6
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