Aches

Ache- A continuous or prolonged dull pain in a part of one’s body.

Life is full of aches. They are often both physical and emotional. Science can provide as much evidence against it as it wants, but I firmly believe our hearts can ache. If you have experienced an emotional pain so deep that it physically hurts, you know what I mean. Many life events can beget this type of searing pain. Death of loved ones. Divorce. Abuse. Severed relationships. Failed dreams. Unfaithfulness. The list goes on.

These kind of “life aches” wound our hearts and are often left untreated. We try to deny and repress them instead of acknowledging them for what they are, reaching out for help, and gently stitching them up so that they can begin to heal.

I have a tendency to stubbornly deny my pain. I have a tendency to be impatient with myself. I have a tendency to blame myself. I have a tendency to think I have to do it on my own. There have been many tangible moments in my life to illustrate this. One example is the times I Danced performances or ran with a sprained ankle. I think most of us do this. We may acknowledge the injury enough to stitch it up but then bitterly or impatiently rip out the stitches. This may also be compared to the way we tend to seek a quick fix to our problems. We will often do anything we can to rid ourselves of the unbearable pain. These things often only worsen our state of pain and bring about more pain. Most times it is someone else that is ,in some way, ripping out our stitches.

Why is this? Why do we bury our deepest of aches letting them take hostage a portion of our hearts? Why do we seek solace in things, people, behaviors that NEVER heal or satisfy our brokenness?

There is only one who can take hold of our hearts, clean them, hold them, heal them, and fill them wholly! Jesus Christ can hold, heal, and fill our heart–all of our heart–  The Joy. The love. The dreams. The desires. The holes. The darkness. The broken pieces. The shame. The fear. The aches.

He can only come into and free the heavily guarded, dark holes of our hearts if we allow him! He desperately waits for us to open that door to him. I have asked Jesus into my heart but have only let him look through the key hole to those wounded aching places.

I think that the enemy know all this and he feeds on it. He wants to keep as much of us as he can enslaved to pain, shame, and lies. The more we close the door on God, the less secure our defenses become against attack.

I know I write about this a lot. I hope it doesn’t seem redundant and boring. It is just on my heart. I struggle with love. Love of myself. Love of God. Belief in God’s love for me. Because I am so afraid, I give him my heart but still guard those wounded areas. It seems when I begin to relinquish some of the pain over to him, Satan is ready to attack the “aches” back into hiding.  

Yesterday, something happened. One of those events that seem to rip out the stitches, leaving us feeling defeated, angry, and alone. As you may have read in my previous post, I recently began attempting to open up these areas of my heart and allow God to love me and show me his, real, unconditional, and radical love. Normally, I would shut down, revert back to old coping behaviors, and shut out God. Normally, the enemy would win. I want this time to be different. I don’t want Satan to win this battle. This won’t be easy but I am going to try. I am still feeling defeated, angry, and alone… but I am choosing to obey. (thanks Pastor Chris for the sermon last night) Not merely obey in the submissive, authoritative way we hear the word… but obey by remaining as open as I can to him and his plead to let him love me. This means obeying in practical ways as well… for me that means denying temptations to take control with old maladaptive ways, spending time with him, worshipping him and no other, and seeking his truth over the enemies lies.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

Please pray for me in this.

Love in Christ,

Laura Katheine

Relinquished hearts

What is a source of both intense elation and deep sorrow? It can be thrown around flippantly or reserved for only the most intimate of moments and relationships. It can burn in our hearts passionately or painfully. It can be cherished and it can be taken advantage of...

Love.

How many times a day do we use the word love? We use it constantly... (I love Starbucks, I love Alabama football, I love that dress) Do we think about the words meaning? Do we even know the words meaning?

I struggle with love. Real love. I know I am loved in a general sense but I have never really experienced unconditional love. A lot of times, love seems to come with stipulations, rules, and circumstances. The people I have loved most earnestly have hurt, abandoned, or rejected me in some way. Love is often used as a threat. "If you do this.... I won't love you anymore." This is said directly at times but often conveyed in a concealed threat or action. Please do not read this as a call for pity or a message of personal victimization. Everyone has experienced this type of conditional love before and I want to speak to that by sharing my experiences.

Because of my past, I have difficulty believing in unconditional love (especially from men). Therefore, I deeply struggle with acceptance and belief in the ultimate love. The love of God.

Recently, I received a message from someone I once loved. Two years later and my heart is still seared by the thought of him. How could he say he still loves me when he abandoned and abused me? For a long while now, I have been convinced and afraid I will be alone forever. Convinced that real love doesn't exist. Convinced that if it did I wouldn't be chosen to receive it. Convinced I am unlovable. Due to a few reasons, this belief and fear has been looming over my mind.

A few days ago I was in a time of worship when suddenly I felt that God was telling me.." Laura, let me love you..let me show you what love is." As if that wasn't powerful enough, later that day I read my nightly devotional by Nouwen. He wrote about letting God love us and letting God come into our deepest wounds. We tend to hide our wound with a band-aid and run far away from anyone who tries to rip it off or even look at it. God doesn't want to "rip off our band-aid," he wants to pour into us and heal us first. He already knows our heart and our thoughts. What he desires is for us to relinquish our heart to him, allow his healing hands to hold us, and change our lives forever. He doesn't want us to just forget about our damaged heart. He wants us to see the pain as he does--see it for what it is. CLEAN and PURE. Everyone of us has a damaged heart. Everyone of us has a fear. Everyone of us have felt and carried around shame. Jesus is calling us to accept what has ALREADY been DONE. We have been FORGIVEN, MADE CLEAN, and GRANTED FREEDOM!!!  

Jesus suffered crucifixion and death, and OVERCAME... he is not afraid or offended by our past, present, or future. He simply wants to live in us mind, body, and soul. He wants to help us RECEIVE and LIVE IN the gift he has already given.

Becoming like Children

To my sweet pre-school class and the children of Woodlawn, 
               
                Thank you. Having you in my life has taught me many new things, brought me joy and laughter, and also touched my heart in more ways than one.

You have taught me practical things like that markers are better than crayons, gummy's ARE a food group, not to worry when you try to off the jungle gym from the top of the slide because you won't get hurt!

You have also taught me about life and about God...

               In the book of Matthew, we are told that we cannot enter the kingdom of God unless we become like little children. Thanks to you I understand this much clearer than before. Children unknowingly display such innocence, love, forgiveness, and grace. They live a life in simplicity. Children of all different personalities seem to want one thing... to love and be loved. Children do not care what you look like, what you are wearing, or how much money you have. They simply want someone to love them. I love coming to work and having my little ones run to me and jump in my arms. I love serving in Woodlawn and having children I don't know jump on me to hold them. Even when children have been through horrible experiences, there is still a loving nature within. Some frantically search for anyone to care and some build up walls of protection.... but even the hardest of walls can break. All it takes is consistent love, affection, and hope.



You have also taught me that all of life's "boo- boos" are kissable! When children get hurt they go from crying/ screaming to completely healed in 2.5 seconds... all it takes is a simple kiss. It isn't in the kiss that they are healed. It is what the kiss represents. They want someone to understand and simply embrace them in their brokenness.
When children get hurt they don't run and hide alone or run even closer to their source of pain  (which I have done plenty of times)but they run to a source of love and protection.

As an adult, I catch myself hiding my "boo boos" away and looking for anyway to heal them by myself. Instead of running toward the ultimate source of love and protection (GOD) I run away from him. I imagine the feeling I have when I can 'heal' a child with a single kiss and open arms .... and then think of my heavenly father. How much greater are his feelings for me than my feelings for them? His arms are wide open and he is patiently waiting for us to run to his healing embrace. He is our FATHER. He desperately wants to protect. heal, and love on his children. 

Children are more forgiving than any adult I have ever encountered. I observe countless arguments and fights everyday at work. The fights are normally about seemingly silly matters but from a child's perspective they are huge matters. No matter what the matter is they almost always are able to exchange apologies and instantly become best friends again. They do not hold grudges and hatred in their hearts the way many of us do. The process of argumentation just seems to flow so much quicker and smother with them. They forgive each other and completely forget it happened. My mind cannot fully grasp this. Jesus knows everyone of our sins and loves and accepts us anyways. He not only knows our sins, he carried them on his back and covered them with his blood! Jesus is a healer. No matter how deep the sin, he is willing to forgive us. All we have to do is ask. He wants to kiss our "boo-boos" no matter how bruised and bloody they may be!

Maybe God designed children to mirror the way our relationship should look with him. Maybe he wants his children to come to him as just that. He created us with love, care, purity, cleanliness, and innocence. The ways of the world work to twist, take, and destroy his creation. Maybe Jesus tells us we must become like children to enter his kingdom not as a test to pass, but because heaven is a place of unending, unconditional love and forgiveness. 

Where is your life treasure?

Worship: reverent honor and homage paid to God or a sacred personage, or to any object regarded as sacred.

Dedicate: to devote wholly and earnestly, as to some person or purpose.

               I spent many years in worship and complete dedication to  false idols.. False idols that were killing me. Honor and Homage? Devote to a purpose? WOW. Do I want my life's works to look like this? She spent her life wholly and earnestly dedicated to disappearing day by day...worshiping an addiction that had become her identity. This came dangerously close to being the way my life ended.

             Thankfully, God saved me and helped me to identify and begin dethroning the idols in my life. I must constantly ask myself, "is this thought or behavior giving glory to God and radiating light or is it glorifying the enemy and bringing darkness"? I could probably write a book on this but I want to focus this entry on a recent revelation.

             I stumbled upon an old e-mail thread between myself and my ex-fiance. This alone was enough to shake me at my core...as I began reading my part of the e-mail, my heart began to ache. I was once again faced with the grievous reality that I felt such an intense love for him though this love was never truthfully returned or appreciated but used and abused. Aside from my shaken but previously recognized pain, a new conviction weighed on my heart. I not only loved him, I worshiped him and worshiped the false relationship I built up in my head. The intensity of my e-mail to him painted a clear picture of this. Despite the painful events I was attempting to address in it, still the words extruded love. My eyes have been unveiled and I now see that underneath my proclamations of love hid an intense fear... of rejection, abandon, pain, being alone, and my own unworthiness. For these are the only things I knew came from Men in my life.

              Prior to my salvation, the idols of my life were at work to completely destroy me in every aspect. I worshiped things that only hurt me. What I realized is that even if the relationship was one of healthy love and respect, it never would have worked because God wasn't in it. I don't know how real and healthy romantic love looks and I don't know if I ever will but I hope to. I do know that I now live my life to glorify the one and only great I am. It's not perfect. I fail frequently. But no longer will false idols reign over my life. No longer will the enemy receive pleasure from my self-destruction. The relationship was another idol reigning over my life for quite some time... I was expending love that should be first given to God. God MUST be upheld on the most high of pedestals and with this... he takes care of all else. I hope to never again place any person, relationship, disorder, sin, or any kind of idol in a place that is meant for God alone. I hope that my life continues to stay centered around Jesus Christ and that all things in my life flow from that center.

So, what is an idol? 
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Mathew 6:21 

• What do you treasure? 
• Where do you devote your time? 
• What can you "not live without"? 
• What do you give most of your praise and passion? 
• Where do you go to seek comfort? 
• What defines you? 
• What do you place your identity in? 
• What do you find yourself talking about the most? 
• Who or what is number one in your life? 

Do these questions generate any themes? Idols can be ANYTHING that is held above God... Work, Facebook/twitter, appearance, relationships, addiction, social status, money,sex... the list goes on and on. 
The main idols of my past had complete control over my life. I had become so entangled in them that I lost myself completely. For most of my life, my eyes were blinded so that my answers would reveal these idols and I wouldn't even notice it as an issue. 

I hope to spend the rest of my life treasuring, devoting time to, finding comfort in, worshiping, finding my identity in, talking about with passion, and placing JESUS CHRIST at his rightfully utmost high place over my life. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, Hebrews 12:1 NIV 

Worthy in his sight

     

               One of my favorite stories from the bible is the story of the prostitute "sinner" washing Jesus feet. Jesus sat among the table with Simon and others but was not offered any water to wash his feet or oil to anoint his head. The woman was looked down upon and labeled a sinner. Her act was absolutely inconceivable for many reasons. Her presence was unwanted because she was viewed as less than. The taking down of her hair was, at the time, unfathomable outside of the realm of marriage. She was subject to condemning looks and shameful glares of disgust. Her love and desire to glorify Jesus was greater than her fear. It must have taken tremendous courage... "but she is so focused on Jesus that she forgets about herself." (from book Not a Fan)

                  I am often so consumed in my fear and insecurities that they are all I can see. If Jesus entered the room would I notice his presence?

                  I wonder what was happening within this woman... She was looked at in disgust ,when even noticed at all, and my guess is that she herself viewed her own reflection through shaming, distorted lenses. The instant she saw Jesus she dropped all of her inhibitions and ran to him and began washing his feet with her tears and wiping them with her hair. That day, her deep desire to be in the presence of the Lord won the battle over her enemy formed identity and fear.
                  Jesus did not scold and banish her, (as the others did) he looked unto her with loving eyes of compassion and gratitude. He did not look at her as a lowly sinner but as a beloved daughter  of God.

                 This blog was put on hold yesterday morning.  The very day that I began writing about Jesus seeing great value and worth in us, the attack came. This subject is one of my deepest struggles and greatest fears. For as long as I can remember, I have felt unworthy. I have never felt truly chosen or worthy enough for anyone... especially by the men in my life. I am not saying this as a way to get pity or a flood of affirmations. I have recently been experiencing glimmers of hope that maybe... just maybe, I am wrong and maybe I am completely loved and valued in the eyes of God, maybe I truly am clean and forgiven, maybe this life does include great plans, maybe I will be able to overcome and though it show others the love and power of Jesus Christ....

              It felt as if the second those beams of light cast over my life, Satan covered them up and sought to bring me back into the complete utter darkness of hopelessness. The fear crept back in slowly over a week or so but last night it burst. I finally just broke down completely. The very day I was going to share this new hope, I was flooded with all of my fears. I started questioning everything that I had been feeling recently.

                       Yesterdays brokenness and fear are still here but I refuse to let Satan win this battle. The thought of how the enemy steals away the light in peoples lives and leaves them alone in their dark brokenness infuriates me. It is much easier for me to see this in other peoples lives. I hate to see others hurt and I hate when Satan takes away peoples hope. He will not stop me from sharing this message with people who may need to hear it. If this touches one persons life and helps bring them hope in Jesus and in their own self-worth ... that will be more than worth it to me.

                          Whats amazing about this story from the book of Luke, is not only in the fact that Jesus valued and loved an, otherwise known as, sinning prostitute and worthless woman.  What is amazing is that she chose to seek Jesus with her whole heart before she knew of his complete love for her. She didn't know that his love for her was even greater than the love she bestowed upon him. She didn't know that he loved her so much that he would soon die on the cross to buy her salvation and wash her clean with his blood the way she washed him with her tears. If she had never jumped out in faith and love, she would have never known how completely worthy she was in the eyes of Jesus. She would never know that she was not just a sinner but a valued treasure. The key here is that she had to jump out before she knew that his love would catch her. It took pressing into a deep desire and love of him, without knowing the outcome. Had she not jumped out, she would have always seen herself as a unworthy sinner.

                      My struggle is still deep. I have much fighting left to do. But if I don't keep fighting... the enemy wins and I will never know. I have to keep fighting in hopes that the fight won't always be so heavy and that one day my fight will impact another and that I will be able to minister his love to this broken world.

                                                     YOU ARE WORTHY AND TREASURED IN HIS SIGHT. 

                             

I Die Daily

Read the following words and let each sink in a few seconds before moving to the next...

Sacrifice 

Slave

Submission

Deny 

Suffering

Powerless

Surrender 

Death 

                     Feeling encouraged? Hopeful? Safe? Free? I would think not and neither would I in the past. These words are used often in different context but each of them seem to have negative connotations. They sounds heavy, dark, and to be avoided. I have in the past felt that these words were very dark and life sucking. I've even titled some post with them, such as surrender. We often want a life of hope and freedom but we do not want to change our ways. We don't want to sacrifice, submit, or surrender. It all seems to be too much to give up. Too hard to let go of our thoughts, behaviors, and things. To scary to let go of things that have filled our lives, comfort us, and made us feel safe. (Even when these things are detrimental) We are all holding onto the monkey bars stuck in the same place (and eventually falling) because we are just too terrified to reach for something new. The word surrender is especially difficult for me. I have spent such a long time knowing what I need to let go of, telling myself what needs to be done, and yet never finding the courage to do it. I am stuck between a place of bondage and a place of freedom. 

                     "I want to be a slave," definitely not a statement spoken often. To be a slave infers that one has been striped of their control, rights, and power. As humans, we tend to all be a bunch of control freaks. The idea of having no control over something that pertains to our lives can quickly light a fire within us. We don't want anyone to have authority over our lives or our decisions. 

                       Death... Many thoughts arise with the word death. For some it brings up the hurt of losing a loved one. For some it causes anxieties to spark and fear to arise.For some it arouses anger. For some it brings up many questions. For some it has become a way to stop life's pain, check out, and give up completely... For these people it may be an option kept open for when they are hopeless and can't go on anymore

                                  Feeling encouraged yet? Probably not, hold on it's coming. 

       

                         This morning I was having my walk with worship music and God. God put all of this on my heart and I had to share it. These words I have spoken of are ,by themselves, dark and undesirable. BUT through Jesus these words take on a whole new meaning. Jesus is greater and more powerful than even the darkest of dark! Through Jesus the words take on new meanings. Jesus loves us, knows our pain and our joy, and wants to know us! Jesus never ever intends to hurt us. These negative words are no longer negative in his name because they serve as a gateway to a life with him! 

                                                               

                                                               Through Jesus alone...

                   

   Sacrifice.. becomes desire 

Slave... becomes honor

Submission....becomes safety 

Deny....accept

Suffering...becomes joy

Powerless...becomes empowered

Surrender...becomes freedom

Death... becomes LIFE

                         In order to truly follow Christ we must let go of old meanings and thoughts associated with these words, overcome them, and define them as they are transformed though the Holy Spirit. All voids can be filled with the Holy Spirit if we just trust. There is power and freedom in the name Jesus. For me dying daily will no longer mean I am barely hanging on and being chained down by pain, depression, and fear. From now on I will die daily by choosing Jesus over any temptation, fear, pain, depression, false idols, false comforts, addiction, or the lies in my head. I will not choose to die out of depression, pain, and fear but I will die a death of my old self and embrace who I am through JESUS CHRIST. I will die to live with him. Only through the death of the darkness in my life can a new light and freedom arise.  

             Please pray for me as I begin to die daily. 

1 Corinthians 15:31

Christ love, 

Laura Katherine 

Out of hiding

Head down,

  Ashamed.

Mouth taped, 

  Voiceless. 

Hands tight,

  Insecure.

Heart skips a beat,

Filthy.

Stomach churns,

   Embarrassment.

Brisk pace,

  Self hate. 

My body screams 

   Hide away.

    I wrote this to illustrate my immense struggle with being seen by anyone and everyone.  I have been living life in such paralyzing fear of being seen and judged. I fear that everyone will see what I see when I look at me... even God himself. I carry around my shame and insecurity like the only garments to my name. 

     Recently, God helped me see that this fear is of the enemy and my cowering in fear gives Satan power and joy . The enemy loves debilitating us from spreading the light and love of Christ. I am wounded and vulnerable. Satan feeds off of that. 

      God's presence breaks off all of these chains and for a moment I am free. In worship I feel God's presence ever so strongly. All inhibitions are let go and all that matters is glorifying my father with all of my might. I joyously sing with lifted hands and I am unashamed. I cry and I am not alone. I smile gazing up towards heaven. I bow my head not to hide away but to be close with my father. 

     God not only revealed the source of my debilitating fear but he gently reminded me that he is ALWAYS in my presence. I do not have to live invisible and afraid. The bible tells us not to fear 365 times! God also promises to never leave us or forsake us. Jesus tells us that the Holy Spirit is always with us. Why can't I live life the way I worship? If he is in me and with me at all times then why do I only act as if this is true while in worship on Wednesdays and Sundays? How can I feel and portray the presence and love of God in my daily life? Alone I am a scared, hiding child but with God I am a bold, victorious woman! 


      Over and over again I ask myself, "Why can't I live life as if I am always in worship? Why can't I go through everyday proud and upright, knowing that my mighty Father is holding me?" The enemy wants me to carry around my shame while God wants me to carry around his light and love! I want to be an example that Jesus saves, not that Satan reigns.

        Living a life in paralyzing fear of being seen keeps me from doing the work God has set out for me to do and that my heart beats for. I have a heart for others. I have a heart for the broken and wounded. I have a heart that wants to bring others joy. I have a heart that wants to serve the Lord. I cannot do any of this if I continue walking around with my head down in shame. My bad body image, shame, and fear keep me from feeling God's presence, even though he's been walking beside me all along. For too long I have been fighting my God created nature... in more ways than one. Here I am specifically referring to the shame that overrides my innate desire to give to others. I fully believe that one smile can be the difference in someones day. My heart tells me to reach out but my mind tells me I will be laughed at and rejected.

There are moments when my heart for the Lord overrides my fear and I am able to let go... I pray that one day these moments will reign over all of the debilitating lies keeping me captive. 

A second in God's peace

Prerequisite for understanding the following post: Read the previous post about SURRENDER

Have you ever experienced the feeling that arises when you realize God is speaking to you? I am honored to share that I have had this experience. It is greater than anything my mortal mind can even begin to explain but I will attempt it. In a split second you feel a thousand pound weight lifted off of your shoulders, you feel this light gleaming into your soul, and in that moment, if only for a second you feel peace. For me that moment doesn't come too often but that one second is enough to restore my hope for healing.

Last night one of these beautifully clarifying moments occurred. Wednesday I attend a "small group" that has turned out to be more like a "small church." This in and of itself is greatly anxiety provoking for me (almost to the point of panic at times) but each week I keep coming back to face it again because my God, who creates a thirst for him and a thirst for Godly relationships within me,  is greater than the enemy that plants lies and fear as chains upon my feet. So just as every Wednesday I enter the house and greet people that I recognize and try to not show and struggles within. I had been feeling a bit defeated and sad that day. Here is where is gets amazing, we gather in for worship and a leader starts us off with a few words and prayer. The words that God had placed on his heart as a focus for the night were surrender and listen.  There it is! That moment when God says to you, " I hear your prayers. I see your heart. I know your every desire. I know you are in pain and I want to help you...." And greatest of all he whispers... "I am greater than all of this and I am with you." 

The word that had been heavy on my heart and mind did not just happen to be the opening word for the night. God knew that there were people in that group of individuals who needed to hear it. It didn't stop there. As we continued to worship I continued to feel God's presence and his touch on everyone there. I sang out loud the lyrics that DIDN'T "just so happen" to be what  my prayer to the Lord needed to be.Tears came to my eyes and I was not ashamed. The realization that God is with me and he is always with me nearly had me fallen to my knees. In closing we were instructed to seek out someone to pray with while the worship continued in the background. The sounds of that room were heavenly and powerful. Groups of people everywhere huddled together in deep prayer to our Father with the sweet sounds of worship in the background.
No science, philosophy, religion, or even "psychic time traveler" can convince me that last night wasn't real! No one can convince me that all of it is just the product of coincidence mixed with fabricated human emotions. No one can convince me that I am here today by chance and not by the Lord Jesus Christ's sweet salvation.


Starting a 30 day challenge of complete surrender to God
Please pray for me!


Laura Katherine

What am I surrendering to?

Surrender: to give oneself up, as into the power of another; submit or yield.


The word surrender connotes different associations. We can surrender when a task is too trying. We can give up in the face of adversity. However, one may also think of a deeper meaning to the word. Sometimes surrender may be simply giving up to bad... but surrender can also be a turning over to good.  Surrender doesn't have to mean weak. Surrender can also be of the utmost strength. 

 I started thinking about war movies and such things in which one side surrenders to the other. The side that has been completely trampled over,striped of all essential resources, and lies broken and wounded.... that is the side that waves the white flag first. The reach a place of such desperation that they can't carry on any longer. 

This sounds familiar to me in a number of ways. Familiar in that I have been in this hopeless place and have wanted to give up. End it. Trow in the towel. Surrender myself. There are times when the walls close in and blind me from any outside light. Times when I have surrendered to lies from the enemy and taken them on like leeches upon my skin. However, there are different ways of surrendering. At times surrendering can be the only way of moving forward. Surrendering not to darkness but to the light. Surrendering to God. 

Over and over throughout the past week or so I've been hit on the head with the knowledge that surrendering to God is the only way. I have been all of the places that tend to lead to a form of surrender... wounds, hurt, depression, sadness, shame, exhausted and the list goes on. I have surrendered in a lot of way at different points in time. I have even had moments where I imitated the act of surrendering to God. Moments where I found myself so broken and desperate for healing that I allowed God into my life and I began letting go to parts of the eating disorder. Through my journey I have been saved and drawing closer and closer to God. I have come a markedly far from the lost girl "living" in worship of an eating disorder yet I am realizing that I have yet to completely surrender all of the eating disorder and all other strongholds of my life.  I have let go of some things but grasped tightly onto others.... so tightly that I stop acknowledging their existence all together. I allow these rules and beliefs rule over my life and pollute my mind. I hold on so tightly that I lock the key and allow NO ONE to see. I have given God full reigns over parts of my life and I have began to look to and trust him in many aspects yet when it comes to these certain locked strongholds I don't seek him or trust him. I am ashamed to write that out and consciously own it. 

God knows my heart, even the things I hide away from even myself. He knows and desperately wants to heal but he is waiting on me. The truth is starting to unveil in front of me but what will I do with it? Will I continue to hide and protect these strongholds or will I step out in faith? Will I surrender to darkness? Will I surrender to the light? 


That's it for now. 


- Laura Katherine 


"Growth demands a temporary surrender of security."


"Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual."

"Unless you have made a complete surrender and are doing his will it will avail you nothing if you've reformed a thousand times and have your name on fifty church records."


"Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. " James 4:7

For many people this may sound completely absurd but in many ways I find myself terrified of freedom. I could go on and on about the exact fears I am referring to and why they are so paralyzing but I want to put the focus of this post on a topic I believe many can relate to. Insecurity.

Lately I find myself asking why is it that when I am in the midst of worship I am able to completely let go of fear and all insecurities in my mind, yet the rest of the time I am walking around in constant fear. I have a daily battle in my mind encompassing everything that I do. I spend a lot of time hating myself, feeling unworthy, wishing I could completely crawl out of my skin, and convincing myself that everyone else see's me the way I see myself. I find myself always wanting to hide away.
When I am in worship is the time I feel God's presence the strongest and it is this time that saves me. It gives me a break from all of this. I am able to let go. I stop caring about what people around me think. I stop comparing myself to others. I stop the negative thoughts in my head. Really I should say God stops it. This time in his presence I am free... free and not afraid. I pour out my heart, sing out loudly, raise my hands with no hesitation, maybe even dance a little! I find myself in complete awe of his presence and the rest of the world stops.

Why can't I carry this feeling around with me everywhere I go? He is with me all of the time, everywhere I go, no matter what happens. Even when I don't feel his presence he is with me. ALWAYS.
What would life look like if I were able to channel the freedom and liberation I feel when in full on worship and live by it?? I have been on this journey of healing and changing for a long, long time and I have a long way to go but with Christ, all things are possible. He has already moved me, comforted me, and saved me so many times. I have to keep pushing through and maybe, just maybe one day I will live in this complete freedom. After all, Jesus came and died for our sins. I don't want to let my fear keep me from living life for him. I can't let what he did on the cross be for nothing. He has saved my life so many times. If I simplify everything that weighs me down and holds me back... all of it stems back to a few simple things... one of these being FEAR.
The enemy uses fear like a knife. But you know what??? GOD IS GREATER,BIGGER,STRONGER. HE NEVER FAILS.
The journey has been long and painful and continues to be so... but one thing is for sure. God never leaves me or forsakes me. I have to keep pushing through and trusting in him. He didn't sacrifice his one and only son so that I could live in chains. He did it so that we all could be FREE and made clean. His word tells us that he has a great plan and purpose for each and everyone of us. He cares deeply for each of us. I strive to live a life by his word. A life in which I trust not in my own thoughts but only in his word. A life where I find my worth in him and him alone.

God is present in our lives everyday, everywhere, no matter what. Don't let the enemy blind you and hold you captive to lies. 


So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18 


Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Luke 12:7

Key to the heart.

" Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in." - Jesus Christ (revelations 3:20)

            I read this in captivating and it has me thinking and also self evaluating. The first thing I think about is patience. Jesus is patient even with his deep yearning for a relationship with us, Jesus gently knocks as he calls out for us. He does this however long it takes for us to answer his call and invite him in. As humans, we are impatient especially those of us living in the land of the free and home of the give me instant gratification. Even those in our lives whom we believe to be most patient have breaking points. This is okay, for we are imperfect perfectly made beings of God. We are often quick to question God and also quick to blame or be angry with him. Many of us cry out "why are you not listening God?" "Why is this happening to me?" " I pray but you are not near." " God, are you really there at all?"

                 We question God in times of hardship. We sometimes take matters into our own hands. We start to believe in our ability to run our lives as we see fit better than God can. You are not going to like this part anymore than I do but the truth is God's timing is not your timing. God's plan is not your plan. In this there is an ultimate gift. The gift is that when we turn our lives over to God and allow him to direct our path we find his path for us and his path is far beyond any life we could ever have imagined. Maybe it is not that he doesn't hear or care about our prayers maybe it is that he answers them in a time and fashion we never expected. Be patient and trust in the lord.

                 Secondly, doors also have locks and keys. Each of us experience pain. Many of us are deeply wounded. We handle our hurt by stuffing it deep down in our heart and locking the key on it. No one can look at or touch your locked heart. This is a dark place we allow no one to see because we have been cut too deep and these cuts leave permanent scars if we let them. Jesus Christ not only seeks you to ask him into your life as his savior in heaven. Not only does the verse urge us to answer his call so that we may be saved and have a place in heaven but Jesus wants us to faithfully hand over the key to our heart. The dark and ugly scars you hold so tightly in efforts to not be hurt again will never heal unless we give them over completely to him. God knows you. He know ever single strand of hair on your head and he loves you eternally. I am realizing that I have reached out the first part of salvation by asking the lord to be savior of my life but I have failed to completely fulfill the other important part. I haven't wholly given over Jesus the key to my heart. I hold on tightly to the hurtful statements made about me and I believe them as truth...I claim them as identity. I am so afraid of letting go it feels paralyzing. I have have asked Jesus Christ to be in my life and guide me. I have asked him to come in the door and keep me company... but I have yet to hand over the key to the depths of my heart. Jesus wants the key so that he may fully bring healing to our hearts. He is always patiently waiting for us even when we don't hear him knocking and even when we feel completely unworthy of his name. Jesus loves us so much that he died on the cross for our sins. Let us work toward fully giving over the key to him. He gave us life... why should we not trust him with our heart? 


love in Christ,

Laura Katherine

TOXIC

Okay, I have several problems with the pictures above. But before I get to that let me educate you on them. Cover page number one features Selena Gomez. Selena Gomez is age 19. The second picture features Dakota Fanning. Dakota Fanning is 17. The eye catching phrases inked onto their picture and sent out to vendors all over the country read things like, " His best sex ever." Cosmopolitan is a magazine filled with about 50% or more of it's contents pertaining to sex and then the other half on what to do in order to be the sexiest, most perfect girl for men.  I visited their website just to do some research and I am repulsed at what I found. Everything on the page has to do with sex and beauty. Well actually, the word sexy is used way more the beautiful. Things such as " sexy hair styles." What happened to hair just being something fun for girls to fix up to feel beautiful or cute or just clean. I'm pretty sure I don't fix my hair every morning thinking oh man I have got to make it sexy not just cute or presentable. Men won't like me if my hair isn't perfectly sexy. I found nothing of actual depth, importance, or true value. Nothing internal all external. 

1. 19 and 17 years of age is way too young to be on a magazine cover that reads, " His Best Sex Ever." What message is this sending to teenagers today? People complain about and gossip about teen pregnancies and yet magazines like this are found in every check-out line in America. Practically promoting it! These magazines are practically screaming SEX IS NORMAL AND WHAT MAKES YOU A WOMAN A GUY WILL LIKE.... and so many other things. 

2. I was shocked when I saw these young ladies on these covers and their ages really astounded me but now that I am thinking about it more in depth... I wouldn't agree with anyone, any age  being on this magazine cover! These magazine are one of many forms of media sending out immoral messages but somehow these messages have deluded Americans into believing that this simply is just how it is these days. No, it's not! It is what were making it be and allowing it to continue as. All it takes is ONE. Just one person to stand up, stand out in a crowd of thousands, and say this isn't right. 

3. Everything in the magazine is about getting with, finding, impressing, attracting, and pleasing men. Women want rights and to be thought of as more than a piece of meat but the most publicized women in America are being featured on magazines like this one that are ALL about pleasing men and being sexy and perfect all for men. Not for ourselves but for men. What do men want? Not ever what do you want. My other problem is that many of the q&a done with males reveals that men don't buy into this idea of beauty. They often report that they are attracted to girls that are natural, and comfortable in their own skin. No, I don't mean comfortable in their own skin as they can have a magazine with their face on it all over the country all across the county and be proud. I mean comfortable in their OWN skin. Not the plastic skin media created and molded them into. ( I am almost positive men didn't mean that either) They often report not being as attracted to women with no curves. This is not meaning that I am saying no luck for the naturally thin women out there I am saying and what I believe most men are saying is they like how women's bodies look naturally... not starved and unhealthy. 

4. As if the media doesn't photo-shop and airbrush bodies enough, now all american women's level of beauty is subject to rail thin models, photo shopping all normalcy (and real beauty) off of women's bodies to have them look 'perfect, and comparing ourselves to a mere 17 year old on a very womanly magazine. This standard is simply impossible. unattainable. unhealthy. distorted. sickening. lies. 

Problem is it's power is influential. 

Girls, teens, and woman all over the world believe they are ugly. 

Fat.

Inferior. 

unworthy. 

We need more people in this world taking a stand. 

More people changing the image. 

More people following Jesus Christ 

less enthralled with the world. 

You are beautiful. 

Worthy. 

Special. 

with purpose. 

You are God's beloved daughter. 

I will never be buying one of these magazines again. Ever. Who is with me?? 

Jeremiah 29:11

            Alright, so it's been quite a while since my last blog post. I have not been feeling many hopeful thoughts or reaching any significant realizations or milestones to share with you all. (whoever you all actually may be) I also have been crazy busy since the start of spring semester. Lots and lots of reading textbooks and writing papers rather than reading my bible and writing in my journal. I have really been struggling with negative thoughts, urges, and bad body image. Just when I reach a place that I feel a bit more hopeful and motivated to fight for life... something hits me either an event of just the power of the eating disorder all by itself. It can be miserable and even paralyzing. I keep going through different yet very similar sequences like this and I am now realizing why. When I place the savior of my life on the back burner, even slightly, all else begins to crumble around me. My focus turns to the eating disorder and all other things that the enemy uses to hold me back. I become more and more hopeless and depressed. Jesus Christ saved me from death. He called my name out, shown a light on me, and stood with me in all my battles. I was so far away from him and yet he found me and delivered me out of the darkness. Even after this, I somehow still forget him at times. I work hard to succeed in school so that I may reach the calling I feel he has laid out for me. But when I do this and begin to forget about the God who put me to it... evil creeps in and does all it can to blind me and lead me back to a dark road leading no where but death. I stop listening to God and start listening to the eating disorder. NOTHING else in this life matters without God. God saved me from the grips of my eating disorder and Jesus Christ forgave my sins and made me clean. That wasn't for nothing. I can't let myself forget that. He must be first in my life above all else. For when I do, my chains will be broken and I will be set free. 



          Okay so all of that was not my intention for this blog post but there ya go! What really urged me to share was a spiritual experience this morning. My church has been in a series of tough lessons dealing with addiction, depression, and internal struggles. Today's message was on insecurities. The entire series has been one that I completely identified with and struggle with currently. But today I felt like God knew I needed to hear that very message. I have been battling with all of my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness for quite a while and this past week started feeling like I just couldn't take it anymore. I questioned if God could really love me unconditionally and if he really had chosen me or maybe it was a mistake. I judge myself so harshly that it begins to cloud my mind and I start thinking that all of the terrible things in my head are true and there is no way that others love me the way they say they do much less God. 
         Something really amazing is that I felt God speaking to me about these feelings even before the message started. During worship I suddenly felt that God wanted me to know that he does not view me the same way I view myself. That he wanted me to know that I am not all of the condemning words I speak to myself. That I am not defined by the sins I have committed. That I am not defined by the cruelties done unto me. That I am not forever dirty and ruined. That through Jesus Christ I have been made clean. Set free. The worship leader then began to read a verse... a verse that I believe came straight from God for me to hear in that moment... " For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11 
            Insecurities was the message title. First he spoke about what we are letting define ourselves by and how that controls our lives. Then he moved to the steps we can take in order overcome them. The words he said that moved me the most were simple but went straight to my heart... 
" God does not see you the way you see yourself in the mirror and he is not looking at the same things you are looking at." I can't look into the mirror without hating what I see. Yet, God is looking not at me but in me. According to scripture, God's love for me is changeless and it is for you too. What if one day I can reach a place where I am able to accept myself and even love myself?... I believe God deeply wants this for me. I bet it even hurts him to see how I treat his creation. The idea of complete self acceptance and love is unfathomable to me. The bible says that he called me by name and set me apart... I am a child of God. Today he helped me see that he has a great hope for me and also a great love. 



                  I need to remind myself of this each and everyday. Even after today, I can't truthfully report that I have wonderful self-acceptance and feel great. However, I do have a small glimmer of hope that what he promises is truth and that I don't have to be a slave anymore. One step at a time I will keep fighting. Every step away from the disorder is one step closer to God. This is my focus of the week. I used to start off everyday by making a decision to worship and "feed" my relationship with God today and not the eating disorder. This week I will start this again. I think I should add to it by also reminding myself that I am a child of my heavenly father! Such power in those words. 






Love in Christ, 
Laura Katherine 




Sorry this post is all over the place!