Aches

Ache- A continuous or prolonged dull pain in a part of one’s body.

Life is full of aches. They are often both physical and emotional. Science can provide as much evidence against it as it wants, but I firmly believe our hearts can ache. If you have experienced an emotional pain so deep that it physically hurts, you know what I mean. Many life events can beget this type of searing pain. Death of loved ones. Divorce. Abuse. Severed relationships. Failed dreams. Unfaithfulness. The list goes on.

These kind of “life aches” wound our hearts and are often left untreated. We try to deny and repress them instead of acknowledging them for what they are, reaching out for help, and gently stitching them up so that they can begin to heal.

I have a tendency to stubbornly deny my pain. I have a tendency to be impatient with myself. I have a tendency to blame myself. I have a tendency to think I have to do it on my own. There have been many tangible moments in my life to illustrate this. One example is the times I Danced performances or ran with a sprained ankle. I think most of us do this. We may acknowledge the injury enough to stitch it up but then bitterly or impatiently rip out the stitches. This may also be compared to the way we tend to seek a quick fix to our problems. We will often do anything we can to rid ourselves of the unbearable pain. These things often only worsen our state of pain and bring about more pain. Most times it is someone else that is ,in some way, ripping out our stitches.

Why is this? Why do we bury our deepest of aches letting them take hostage a portion of our hearts? Why do we seek solace in things, people, behaviors that NEVER heal or satisfy our brokenness?

There is only one who can take hold of our hearts, clean them, hold them, heal them, and fill them wholly! Jesus Christ can hold, heal, and fill our heart–all of our heart–  The Joy. The love. The dreams. The desires. The holes. The darkness. The broken pieces. The shame. The fear. The aches.

He can only come into and free the heavily guarded, dark holes of our hearts if we allow him! He desperately waits for us to open that door to him. I have asked Jesus into my heart but have only let him look through the key hole to those wounded aching places.

I think that the enemy know all this and he feeds on it. He wants to keep as much of us as he can enslaved to pain, shame, and lies. The more we close the door on God, the less secure our defenses become against attack.

I know I write about this a lot. I hope it doesn’t seem redundant and boring. It is just on my heart. I struggle with love. Love of myself. Love of God. Belief in God’s love for me. Because I am so afraid, I give him my heart but still guard those wounded areas. It seems when I begin to relinquish some of the pain over to him, Satan is ready to attack the “aches” back into hiding.  

Yesterday, something happened. One of those events that seem to rip out the stitches, leaving us feeling defeated, angry, and alone. As you may have read in my previous post, I recently began attempting to open up these areas of my heart and allow God to love me and show me his, real, unconditional, and radical love. Normally, I would shut down, revert back to old coping behaviors, and shut out God. Normally, the enemy would win. I want this time to be different. I don’t want Satan to win this battle. This won’t be easy but I am going to try. I am still feeling defeated, angry, and alone… but I am choosing to obey. (thanks Pastor Chris for the sermon last night) Not merely obey in the submissive, authoritative way we hear the word… but obey by remaining as open as I can to him and his plead to let him love me. This means obeying in practical ways as well… for me that means denying temptations to take control with old maladaptive ways, spending time with him, worshipping him and no other, and seeking his truth over the enemies lies.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:4

Please pray for me in this.

Love in Christ,

Laura Katheine

Relinquished hearts

What is a source of both intense elation and deep sorrow? It can be thrown around flippantly or reserved for only the most intimate of moments and relationships. It can burn in our hearts passionately or painfully. It can be cherished and it can be taken advantage of...

Love.

How many times a day do we use the word love? We use it constantly... (I love Starbucks, I love Alabama football, I love that dress) Do we think about the words meaning? Do we even know the words meaning?

I struggle with love. Real love. I know I am loved in a general sense but I have never really experienced unconditional love. A lot of times, love seems to come with stipulations, rules, and circumstances. The people I have loved most earnestly have hurt, abandoned, or rejected me in some way. Love is often used as a threat. "If you do this.... I won't love you anymore." This is said directly at times but often conveyed in a concealed threat or action. Please do not read this as a call for pity or a message of personal victimization. Everyone has experienced this type of conditional love before and I want to speak to that by sharing my experiences.

Because of my past, I have difficulty believing in unconditional love (especially from men). Therefore, I deeply struggle with acceptance and belief in the ultimate love. The love of God.

Recently, I received a message from someone I once loved. Two years later and my heart is still seared by the thought of him. How could he say he still loves me when he abandoned and abused me? For a long while now, I have been convinced and afraid I will be alone forever. Convinced that real love doesn't exist. Convinced that if it did I wouldn't be chosen to receive it. Convinced I am unlovable. Due to a few reasons, this belief and fear has been looming over my mind.

A few days ago I was in a time of worship when suddenly I felt that God was telling me.." Laura, let me love you..let me show you what love is." As if that wasn't powerful enough, later that day I read my nightly devotional by Nouwen. He wrote about letting God love us and letting God come into our deepest wounds. We tend to hide our wound with a band-aid and run far away from anyone who tries to rip it off or even look at it. God doesn't want to "rip off our band-aid," he wants to pour into us and heal us first. He already knows our heart and our thoughts. What he desires is for us to relinquish our heart to him, allow his healing hands to hold us, and change our lives forever. He doesn't want us to just forget about our damaged heart. He wants us to see the pain as he does--see it for what it is. CLEAN and PURE. Everyone of us has a damaged heart. Everyone of us has a fear. Everyone of us have felt and carried around shame. Jesus is calling us to accept what has ALREADY been DONE. We have been FORGIVEN, MADE CLEAN, and GRANTED FREEDOM!!!  

Jesus suffered crucifixion and death, and OVERCAME... he is not afraid or offended by our past, present, or future. He simply wants to live in us mind, body, and soul. He wants to help us RECEIVE and LIVE IN the gift he has already given.

Becoming like Children

To my sweet pre-school class and the children of Woodlawn, 
               
                Thank you. Having you in my life has taught me many new things, brought me joy and laughter, and also touched my heart in more ways than one.

You have taught me practical things like that markers are better than crayons, gummy's ARE a food group, not to worry when you try to off the jungle gym from the top of the slide because you won't get hurt!

You have also taught me about life and about God...

               In the book of Matthew, we are told that we cannot enter the kingdom of God unless we become like little children. Thanks to you I understand this much clearer than before. Children unknowingly display such innocence, love, forgiveness, and grace. They live a life in simplicity. Children of all different personalities seem to want one thing... to love and be loved. Children do not care what you look like, what you are wearing, or how much money you have. They simply want someone to love them. I love coming to work and having my little ones run to me and jump in my arms. I love serving in Woodlawn and having children I don't know jump on me to hold them. Even when children have been through horrible experiences, there is still a loving nature within. Some frantically search for anyone to care and some build up walls of protection.... but even the hardest of walls can break. All it takes is consistent love, affection, and hope.



You have also taught me that all of life's "boo- boos" are kissable! When children get hurt they go from crying/ screaming to completely healed in 2.5 seconds... all it takes is a simple kiss. It isn't in the kiss that they are healed. It is what the kiss represents. They want someone to understand and simply embrace them in their brokenness.
When children get hurt they don't run and hide alone or run even closer to their source of pain  (which I have done plenty of times)but they run to a source of love and protection.

As an adult, I catch myself hiding my "boo boos" away and looking for anyway to heal them by myself. Instead of running toward the ultimate source of love and protection (GOD) I run away from him. I imagine the feeling I have when I can 'heal' a child with a single kiss and open arms .... and then think of my heavenly father. How much greater are his feelings for me than my feelings for them? His arms are wide open and he is patiently waiting for us to run to his healing embrace. He is our FATHER. He desperately wants to protect. heal, and love on his children. 

Children are more forgiving than any adult I have ever encountered. I observe countless arguments and fights everyday at work. The fights are normally about seemingly silly matters but from a child's perspective they are huge matters. No matter what the matter is they almost always are able to exchange apologies and instantly become best friends again. They do not hold grudges and hatred in their hearts the way many of us do. The process of argumentation just seems to flow so much quicker and smother with them. They forgive each other and completely forget it happened. My mind cannot fully grasp this. Jesus knows everyone of our sins and loves and accepts us anyways. He not only knows our sins, he carried them on his back and covered them with his blood! Jesus is a healer. No matter how deep the sin, he is willing to forgive us. All we have to do is ask. He wants to kiss our "boo-boos" no matter how bruised and bloody they may be!

Maybe God designed children to mirror the way our relationship should look with him. Maybe he wants his children to come to him as just that. He created us with love, care, purity, cleanliness, and innocence. The ways of the world work to twist, take, and destroy his creation. Maybe Jesus tells us we must become like children to enter his kingdom not as a test to pass, but because heaven is a place of unending, unconditional love and forgiveness. 

Where is your life treasure?

Worship: reverent honor and homage paid to God or a sacred personage, or to any object regarded as sacred.

Dedicate: to devote wholly and earnestly, as to some person or purpose.

               I spent many years in worship and complete dedication to  false idols.. False idols that were killing me. Honor and Homage? Devote to a purpose? WOW. Do I want my life's works to look like this? She spent her life wholly and earnestly dedicated to disappearing day by day...worshiping an addiction that had become her identity. This came dangerously close to being the way my life ended.

             Thankfully, God saved me and helped me to identify and begin dethroning the idols in my life. I must constantly ask myself, "is this thought or behavior giving glory to God and radiating light or is it glorifying the enemy and bringing darkness"? I could probably write a book on this but I want to focus this entry on a recent revelation.

             I stumbled upon an old e-mail thread between myself and my ex-fiance. This alone was enough to shake me at my core...as I began reading my part of the e-mail, my heart began to ache. I was once again faced with the grievous reality that I felt such an intense love for him though this love was never truthfully returned or appreciated but used and abused. Aside from my shaken but previously recognized pain, a new conviction weighed on my heart. I not only loved him, I worshiped him and worshiped the false relationship I built up in my head. The intensity of my e-mail to him painted a clear picture of this. Despite the painful events I was attempting to address in it, still the words extruded love. My eyes have been unveiled and I now see that underneath my proclamations of love hid an intense fear... of rejection, abandon, pain, being alone, and my own unworthiness. For these are the only things I knew came from Men in my life.

              Prior to my salvation, the idols of my life were at work to completely destroy me in every aspect. I worshiped things that only hurt me. What I realized is that even if the relationship was one of healthy love and respect, it never would have worked because God wasn't in it. I don't know how real and healthy romantic love looks and I don't know if I ever will but I hope to. I do know that I now live my life to glorify the one and only great I am. It's not perfect. I fail frequently. But no longer will false idols reign over my life. No longer will the enemy receive pleasure from my self-destruction. The relationship was another idol reigning over my life for quite some time... I was expending love that should be first given to God. God MUST be upheld on the most high of pedestals and with this... he takes care of all else. I hope to never again place any person, relationship, disorder, sin, or any kind of idol in a place that is meant for God alone. I hope that my life continues to stay centered around Jesus Christ and that all things in my life flow from that center.

So, what is an idol? 
For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Mathew 6:21 

• What do you treasure? 
• Where do you devote your time? 
• What can you "not live without"? 
• What do you give most of your praise and passion? 
• Where do you go to seek comfort? 
• What defines you? 
• What do you place your identity in? 
• What do you find yourself talking about the most? 
• Who or what is number one in your life? 

Do these questions generate any themes? Idols can be ANYTHING that is held above God... Work, Facebook/twitter, appearance, relationships, addiction, social status, money,sex... the list goes on and on. 
The main idols of my past had complete control over my life. I had become so entangled in them that I lost myself completely. For most of my life, my eyes were blinded so that my answers would reveal these idols and I wouldn't even notice it as an issue. 

I hope to spend the rest of my life treasuring, devoting time to, finding comfort in, worshiping, finding my identity in, talking about with passion, and placing JESUS CHRIST at his rightfully utmost high place over my life. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, Hebrews 12:1 NIV 

Worthy in his sight

     

               One of my favorite stories from the bible is the story of the prostitute "sinner" washing Jesus feet. Jesus sat among the table with Simon and others but was not offered any water to wash his feet or oil to anoint his head. The woman was looked down upon and labeled a sinner. Her act was absolutely inconceivable for many reasons. Her presence was unwanted because she was viewed as less than. The taking down of her hair was, at the time, unfathomable outside of the realm of marriage. She was subject to condemning looks and shameful glares of disgust. Her love and desire to glorify Jesus was greater than her fear. It must have taken tremendous courage... "but she is so focused on Jesus that she forgets about herself." (from book Not a Fan)

                  I am often so consumed in my fear and insecurities that they are all I can see. If Jesus entered the room would I notice his presence?

                  I wonder what was happening within this woman... She was looked at in disgust ,when even noticed at all, and my guess is that she herself viewed her own reflection through shaming, distorted lenses. The instant she saw Jesus she dropped all of her inhibitions and ran to him and began washing his feet with her tears and wiping them with her hair. That day, her deep desire to be in the presence of the Lord won the battle over her enemy formed identity and fear.
                  Jesus did not scold and banish her, (as the others did) he looked unto her with loving eyes of compassion and gratitude. He did not look at her as a lowly sinner but as a beloved daughter  of God.

                 This blog was put on hold yesterday morning.  The very day that I began writing about Jesus seeing great value and worth in us, the attack came. This subject is one of my deepest struggles and greatest fears. For as long as I can remember, I have felt unworthy. I have never felt truly chosen or worthy enough for anyone... especially by the men in my life. I am not saying this as a way to get pity or a flood of affirmations. I have recently been experiencing glimmers of hope that maybe... just maybe, I am wrong and maybe I am completely loved and valued in the eyes of God, maybe I truly am clean and forgiven, maybe this life does include great plans, maybe I will be able to overcome and though it show others the love and power of Jesus Christ....

              It felt as if the second those beams of light cast over my life, Satan covered them up and sought to bring me back into the complete utter darkness of hopelessness. The fear crept back in slowly over a week or so but last night it burst. I finally just broke down completely. The very day I was going to share this new hope, I was flooded with all of my fears. I started questioning everything that I had been feeling recently.

                       Yesterdays brokenness and fear are still here but I refuse to let Satan win this battle. The thought of how the enemy steals away the light in peoples lives and leaves them alone in their dark brokenness infuriates me. It is much easier for me to see this in other peoples lives. I hate to see others hurt and I hate when Satan takes away peoples hope. He will not stop me from sharing this message with people who may need to hear it. If this touches one persons life and helps bring them hope in Jesus and in their own self-worth ... that will be more than worth it to me.

                          Whats amazing about this story from the book of Luke, is not only in the fact that Jesus valued and loved an, otherwise known as, sinning prostitute and worthless woman.  What is amazing is that she chose to seek Jesus with her whole heart before she knew of his complete love for her. She didn't know that his love for her was even greater than the love she bestowed upon him. She didn't know that he loved her so much that he would soon die on the cross to buy her salvation and wash her clean with his blood the way she washed him with her tears. If she had never jumped out in faith and love, she would have never known how completely worthy she was in the eyes of Jesus. She would never know that she was not just a sinner but a valued treasure. The key here is that she had to jump out before she knew that his love would catch her. It took pressing into a deep desire and love of him, without knowing the outcome. Had she not jumped out, she would have always seen herself as a unworthy sinner.

                      My struggle is still deep. I have much fighting left to do. But if I don't keep fighting... the enemy wins and I will never know. I have to keep fighting in hopes that the fight won't always be so heavy and that one day my fight will impact another and that I will be able to minister his love to this broken world.

                                                     YOU ARE WORTHY AND TREASURED IN HIS SIGHT. 

                             

I Die Daily

Read the following words and let each sink in a few seconds before moving to the next...

Sacrifice 

Slave

Submission

Deny 

Suffering

Powerless

Surrender 

Death 

                     Feeling encouraged? Hopeful? Safe? Free? I would think not and neither would I in the past. These words are used often in different context but each of them seem to have negative connotations. They sounds heavy, dark, and to be avoided. I have in the past felt that these words were very dark and life sucking. I've even titled some post with them, such as surrender. We often want a life of hope and freedom but we do not want to change our ways. We don't want to sacrifice, submit, or surrender. It all seems to be too much to give up. Too hard to let go of our thoughts, behaviors, and things. To scary to let go of things that have filled our lives, comfort us, and made us feel safe. (Even when these things are detrimental) We are all holding onto the monkey bars stuck in the same place (and eventually falling) because we are just too terrified to reach for something new. The word surrender is especially difficult for me. I have spent such a long time knowing what I need to let go of, telling myself what needs to be done, and yet never finding the courage to do it. I am stuck between a place of bondage and a place of freedom. 

                     "I want to be a slave," definitely not a statement spoken often. To be a slave infers that one has been striped of their control, rights, and power. As humans, we tend to all be a bunch of control freaks. The idea of having no control over something that pertains to our lives can quickly light a fire within us. We don't want anyone to have authority over our lives or our decisions. 

                       Death... Many thoughts arise with the word death. For some it brings up the hurt of losing a loved one. For some it causes anxieties to spark and fear to arise.For some it arouses anger. For some it brings up many questions. For some it has become a way to stop life's pain, check out, and give up completely... For these people it may be an option kept open for when they are hopeless and can't go on anymore

                                  Feeling encouraged yet? Probably not, hold on it's coming. 

       

                         This morning I was having my walk with worship music and God. God put all of this on my heart and I had to share it. These words I have spoken of are ,by themselves, dark and undesirable. BUT through Jesus these words take on a whole new meaning. Jesus is greater and more powerful than even the darkest of dark! Through Jesus the words take on new meanings. Jesus loves us, knows our pain and our joy, and wants to know us! Jesus never ever intends to hurt us. These negative words are no longer negative in his name because they serve as a gateway to a life with him! 

                                                               

                                                               Through Jesus alone...

                   

   Sacrifice.. becomes desire 

Slave... becomes honor

Submission....becomes safety 

Deny....accept

Suffering...becomes joy

Powerless...becomes empowered

Surrender...becomes freedom

Death... becomes LIFE

                         In order to truly follow Christ we must let go of old meanings and thoughts associated with these words, overcome them, and define them as they are transformed though the Holy Spirit. All voids can be filled with the Holy Spirit if we just trust. There is power and freedom in the name Jesus. For me dying daily will no longer mean I am barely hanging on and being chained down by pain, depression, and fear. From now on I will die daily by choosing Jesus over any temptation, fear, pain, depression, false idols, false comforts, addiction, or the lies in my head. I will not choose to die out of depression, pain, and fear but I will die a death of my old self and embrace who I am through JESUS CHRIST. I will die to live with him. Only through the death of the darkness in my life can a new light and freedom arise.  

             Please pray for me as I begin to die daily. 

1 Corinthians 15:31

Christ love, 

Laura Katherine 

Out of hiding

Head down,

  Ashamed.

Mouth taped, 

  Voiceless. 

Hands tight,

  Insecure.

Heart skips a beat,

Filthy.

Stomach churns,

   Embarrassment.

Brisk pace,

  Self hate. 

My body screams 

   Hide away.

    I wrote this to illustrate my immense struggle with being seen by anyone and everyone.  I have been living life in such paralyzing fear of being seen and judged. I fear that everyone will see what I see when I look at me... even God himself. I carry around my shame and insecurity like the only garments to my name. 

     Recently, God helped me see that this fear is of the enemy and my cowering in fear gives Satan power and joy . The enemy loves debilitating us from spreading the light and love of Christ. I am wounded and vulnerable. Satan feeds off of that. 

      God's presence breaks off all of these chains and for a moment I am free. In worship I feel God's presence ever so strongly. All inhibitions are let go and all that matters is glorifying my father with all of my might. I joyously sing with lifted hands and I am unashamed. I cry and I am not alone. I smile gazing up towards heaven. I bow my head not to hide away but to be close with my father. 

     God not only revealed the source of my debilitating fear but he gently reminded me that he is ALWAYS in my presence. I do not have to live invisible and afraid. The bible tells us not to fear 365 times! God also promises to never leave us or forsake us. Jesus tells us that the Holy Spirit is always with us. Why can't I live life the way I worship? If he is in me and with me at all times then why do I only act as if this is true while in worship on Wednesdays and Sundays? How can I feel and portray the presence and love of God in my daily life? Alone I am a scared, hiding child but with God I am a bold, victorious woman! 


      Over and over again I ask myself, "Why can't I live life as if I am always in worship? Why can't I go through everyday proud and upright, knowing that my mighty Father is holding me?" The enemy wants me to carry around my shame while God wants me to carry around his light and love! I want to be an example that Jesus saves, not that Satan reigns.

        Living a life in paralyzing fear of being seen keeps me from doing the work God has set out for me to do and that my heart beats for. I have a heart for others. I have a heart for the broken and wounded. I have a heart that wants to bring others joy. I have a heart that wants to serve the Lord. I cannot do any of this if I continue walking around with my head down in shame. My bad body image, shame, and fear keep me from feeling God's presence, even though he's been walking beside me all along. For too long I have been fighting my God created nature... in more ways than one. Here I am specifically referring to the shame that overrides my innate desire to give to others. I fully believe that one smile can be the difference in someones day. My heart tells me to reach out but my mind tells me I will be laughed at and rejected.

There are moments when my heart for the Lord overrides my fear and I am able to let go... I pray that one day these moments will reign over all of the debilitating lies keeping me captive.