Hopeful Misery

God helped me realize something today. He always has a way of doing that when we just open our souls to him and listen. I had just finished praying when these thoughts entered my mind. I have been down for a while now having many days that I feel I just can not fight any longer. I feel defeated and hopeless. Recovery is a battle. Somedays, I want nothing but to trow in my towell and wave the white flag. I realized today (with God's help), that even though at times it feels that recovery is as miserable as the eating disorder there is a difference. A drastic difference. Recovery so far has felt anything but "good." Fighting for recovery is one of the hardest things I have or will ever face in my life. I start to wonder... will this ever get better? Are they telling the truth when they tell me to just keep doing it and it will slowly get better one day? I get sucked into this dark hole where I tell myself things will never get better that I will feel miserable forever. Maybe that is my Eating disorder trying to presuade me... I am not sure. The difference in myself in my eating disorder and myself in early recovery is simple. When I was in my ED, I was a broken, hallow shell of a person. I was physically, mentally, and spiritually "dead." I was miserable and I didn't care. I had no dreams and no hope. In my mind I had nothing to fight for. I had just about no will to live. I look at where I am now and I feel that I am a completely different person. I have had a pyhsical, mental, and spiritual reawakening. My body feels better. I no longer spend everyday feeling like death. I can think straight. I can have healthy relationships. I can feel. I have recommited my life to jesus christ and I never ever want to lose sight of that.I have oppourtunities and dreams. God has placed so many people into my life to help me win this battle. The people that have been brought into my life in the past year are not coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. The differnce is that before I was alive but not in any way living.I was miserable.Before I felt  there was nothing to fight for no reason to get out of the misery. Today, I have dreams, connections, relationships.... Today when I am having a hard day and my eating disorder wants me to give in to it's lie's.... I will remember that God has placed so many ,well worth fighting for , gifts into my life. Yesterday, I was miserable in my ED. Today, I may be miserable but God gives me a glimmer of hope. That is worth fighting for.