Unconditional Love

            Unconditional love...what a concept? Not love until you mess up love until you disobey love until you make a mistake not love until you find out they don't love you at all not love until they abandon you not love with self seeking prophecy beneath not any kind of "conditional" love. I can't seem to even fathom that someone could love me unconditionally. My life has been filled with love but many times this love has been broken, revoked, or come with great suffering. Lately, I have been attempting to grow to  Believe that God has a eternal, unconditional love for me. This has been greatly emotional for me to grasp. When it is in regards to others I am quick to confidently say God loves them always. I mean it is taught all throughout scripture. Somehow when it comes to accepting that this love also applies to me, things get foggy. 

              After all that I have done, How could he love ME unconditionally? I often have this sinking feeling that I can not be "cleaned" that I am forever "ruined." I also look back at all the years I spent lost. All the years I spent worshiping an eating disorder that blinded me from him completely. I have been so far away from him that I lost all hope and thought about taking my own life to end the pain. After all that I have done, how could God love me? I am still learning to love myself so how I am I to trust in Gods everlasting love for me? 

               The realization that gravitates me towards the belief of this great love is his faithfulness to me. Throughout all of these years, he has been there with me. When I was completely lost, he saved me. I had no strength, no hope.... yet here I am today. I am alive and fighting everyday to give my life to Jesus rather than turn it back over to the reigns of the disorder. Even though I couldn't hear, see, or feel his presence in the darkness, he has always been there. It amazes me to look back at all the different miracles he blessed me with...some of them miracles I didn't even know were happening at the time. No matter how hopeless and unmotivated I was he ALWAYS was there. He wasn't just there he was always calling me out of the darkness. The factor many people (including myself) don't realize is that just because we don't hear him doesn't mean he is absent. We have to be ready, open, and earning to listen to his calling. When I listen, I feel his presence and love. I just sit in awe thinking about this realization. Last night I was caught up in all of these thoughts. Just in disbelief that he could love me with this great a love. This morning I sat reading in the book of Matthew when I came across the verse that says....

 "And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." 

          These words stuck me right at the heart. God created me and he knows me down to the very last detail. He has known and loved me before I even truly loved or knew him. When I was lost he did not simple give up and say oh well, I have many others that will listen to me and love me. No, he stood beside me and continually called out to me until I was saved by his great name. That is unconditional love. The holy spirit is with each of us wherever we may go and if we will only listen he will lead the way. 

What an amazing God. 

Love in Christ, 

Laura Katherine 

I chose you when I planned creation…
Ephesians 1:11-12

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope…
Jeremiah 29:11

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you…
Psalm 34:18

 

              

               

    

Turkey, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie...Oh my!

Thanksgiving: One of the days each year that most american's associate with eating a lot of food! 
A eating disorder's worst enemy. 



         Looking back at previous thanksgivings, my memories are not filled with laughter and meaningful family time. My eating disorder took so much from these times. I spent days dreading the holiday. Days planning what I would allow and not allow myself to eat... planning how I can make it look like I am eating and being "normal" without actually consuming many calories...then planning how I would restrict to make up for what I did eat. This insane eating disorder planning combined with the tolls the disorder took on my body made it impossible to enjoy the day and all that the day represents. I do not have special memories from the past few thanksgivings because I spent them with my eating disorder. This completely disconnected me from all of the things that actually matter. 

Thanksgiving may mean many things to many people. To ME (not the ed) it means taking a day to remember all we have to be thankful for. A day of gratitude spent relaxing and connecting with loved ones. As a little girl, I remember helping my grandmother set the table for thanksgiving. We would set it the day before and then we would start cooking. Mimi has always spent days making each holiday perfect. She plans for weeks and in her house preparations start days before not only the morning of. I always took much pride in being to one who helped her with these preparations, and If anyone else had wanted to be the one to help her I may have had a come apart!  I loved being "mimi's little helper." As a little girl, this is what was special for me during thanksgiving. This is really the only joyful memory I have associated with the day. (other than the next day shopping) After the years as "mimi's little helper," something happened. The eating disorder happened. From that point on I dreaded the holiday. I feel the same anxious feeling arising as I think about next week. The point of this blog is I am trying to find out how I can make this year different. How can I take back what the eating disorder sucked out of my life? I want to remember this Thanksgiving for what it means to me. No longer as a day to dread. Its funny, to someone without an eating disorder.... thanksgiving is great! People are already talking about how they can't wait for turkey and dressing or whatever it may be. Food. Football. Family. What else could be better? ha. For many of us, it's not this simple. I think fully enjoying this holiday will take work and preparation. Not the kind of preparation I used to do in my eating disordered mind. Preparation to prepare me for a potentially triggering day and also preparation to set me up to maybe even enjoy the day. While people are out buying turkeys and planing table seating, I will be mentally preparing. I will visit my dietitian with a plan for that day containing my meal plan and plan for how I will confront my fears. I will have to take a leap of faith this thanksgiving if I want to enjoy it. This means confronting my irrational thoughts, fears, and rules that I have ingrained in my mind over the years. I also plan on going to spend the day before thanksgiving with my Mimi helping her as I used to do. I hope to be able to enjoy this day and set it aside as a day of complete gratitude. 

To all those struggling with thanksgiving anxiety, I hope that we can all conquer this battle. I hope that we can spend this holiday fulfilling our meaning of thanksgiving...whatever it may be. Even if it's eating a piece of pumpkin pie! We can do this together! Who is with me on this leap of faith? 


Please wish me luck

xoxoLaura

Change can be good

I have been doing some thinking...imagine that.There are many moments when I feel that I NEED  my eating disorder to cure a feeling i find all to intense or to cure the fact that I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Recently, I have also experienced the refreshing feeling of not having it. Today I was walking back to from class with the sound of fall's leaves crunching beneath my feet, when I began contemplating how much more time I have now to enjoy these simple things. I no longer live a life that is sucked up by hours at the gym or running. My days used to come and go and all I had done was exercise until I was bruised and could no longer move. How refreshing is it to know that I do not HAVE to live like that any longer? I now have time to actually enjoy life. I now have time to accomplish goals of passion and not just goals of my disorder. Goals to follow God's plan for me rather than goals that slowly lead to death. Yes, some days I still just beat myself down and begin listening to the lies in my head... I start entertaining the idea of acting out on urges..."I just need to go run or I shouldn't eat this meal." Really though... do I want to be so consumed with exercising and restriction that It becomes my life...that I am both dead and alive?? Do I want to live a life in which I can experience the full range of God's blessings?  How great would it be to experience complete freedom?

I also have been working on an assignment. I was told to read the eater's agreement before every meal. I tried it once or twice and each time I got through about one sentence and disregarded the entire thing. It left me cringing and angry or should I say it left my eating disorder cringing and angry... ? I defiantly refused to read it and continued eating my meals the same ole either disconnected or distraught way. I then was encouraged to think about why those simple words created such resentment within me. I wrote it all out and realized almost all of my reasoning was driven by the disorder and that most of it was also due to intense fear. There were a few ideas in the writing that I simply didn't find helpful. I decided to edit the entire thing and make it my own. I have decided to share it with you all in the hopes that it may help someone else.

This was made as a goal for myself and many of the statements I make are one's that I aspire to one day believe without a doubt. I am not perfect and neither is my recovery. This is what I hope to be able to live out in the future. I now publicly agree to attempt reading this before meals.

 Laura’s EATER'S AGREEMENT

I hereby agree, from this day forward, to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for such participation - a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, and of the life that dwells therein, I agree to be an eater. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.

As an eater, I agree to hunger. I agree to have a body that needs food. I agree to eat food. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness and efficiency, the benefits of my well-being will increase. I further acknowledge that ignorance of the eating process may cause health consequences that can lead to death. I agree to believe this truth and not let denial and lies lead me back to that place.

As an eater, I accept pain. I recognize that I may suffer pain when the body is disturbed by the treatment I give it. I may experience pain when emotional and spiritual fullness is confused with physical fullness. I further understand that not eating to cure a pain cannot be remedied by restricting and may bring even more pain. I have not yet learned to completely trust myself and my body. I agree to trust in the professionals of my treatment team to make decisions that I cannot yet make for myself, such as my bodies need for food and what type of meal/exercise plan I need to follow.

As an eater, I acknowledge the domain of the sacred. I recognize that the act of eating may be ritualized and inspired. It may be given symbolic meanings that are religious or spiritual in nature. It may even be joyous. I agree to continually nurture my relationship with God.  I agree to continually strive for a mind, body, and spirit devoted to the Lord. I agree to “feed” and care for my relationship with God daily. I agree to take a stand against my eating disorders urges, lies, and false comfort.  By doing so, I chose to worship God and no longer worship the eating disorder. I chose to look to God for all my needs and not to an evil that only pulls me farther away from the true God almighty.

I recognize that at its deepest level, eating is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat, I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. I acknowledge that this choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. As a human being on earth, I agree to be an eater. I choose life again and again...

 “ Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from

God?...so use every part of your body to give back to god...”                                                    1 corinthians 6:19

“ This is what the soverign lord says to these bones; I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.”

ezekiel 37:4

xoxo 

Laura Katherine 

Awakening

One week ago, I thought I didn't want to live anymore. Darkness had sucked me back into a place of utter hopelessness. I wanted to give up completely. Today I was water baptized. I felt the Lord call out to me last weekend. I felt him order me not to let the strongholds of my life tear me away from him any longer.He reminded me that there is hope. That he has greater plans for me. In that moment, I made the decision that I would not die alone for no cause but that I will die, be buried, and live a new life through Jesus Christ. I feel hopeless some days but there is NOTHING that can defeat our God almighty! He is my light in the darkness. Today I declare a life committed to my Father, son, and holy spirit. I declare a life fully committed to worshiping God and no longer worshiping a disease. I still am in a daily battle. I am not perfect and the fight is not over. I know that without God, I would never have even made it this far. Without God, I would be dead. The eating disorder is STRONG but God is INVINCIBLE!!

Romans 6:3-5

Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.

Love in Christ, 

Laura Katherine 

Create

Create. When I hear the word create, the first thing that cognates in my mind is art. Art comes in a broad variety of forms. From the paintings of Van Gogh, the compositions of Mozart, the elegance and beauty of the New York City Ballet, all the way down to the precious finger-paintings, saved from when we were about 6 years old. I believe that all art is valuable and deserves respect. When a person creates, it isn't just paint on canvas. I believe artist tell stories through their work. Each and every creation is created via passion. One persons trash may be another's treasure. Creations come from the heart. My insight regarding art, leads me to approach all art forms with an open mind. Who am I to judge another's passion? I spend day in and day out hating my body. Most days I want to crawl out of my skin. Recently, I had a revelation. God is the ultimate artist. He created the waters, forest, and all living creatures. Then God created man and woman to rule over the earth. He created them in his image... (Genesis 1:27) When I repeat hateful words to myself day after day, I am also hating God's creation. He created everyone of us for a purpose. From our hair to our toes, God made us perfectly in his own image. He wants us to Love him with all of our heart, soul, and mind. How can I do so when I feel such hatred towards my body and some days myself? The unloving words in my head, can not be words of God but only words of evil. The torturous, diseased thoughts playing in my head telling me that I am never good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, worth enough... those are all strongholds of evil. Trying to kill me. Mind.Body.Spirit. God is greater than ALL of these. I am fighting daily to seek the Lord for all of my needs, instead of the eating disorder screaming in my head. Hopefully, The closer I get to God, the further away I will be from these torturous thoughts. Even on days when I am feeling "okay", even "happy".... I still have moments of hatred toward my body. Some days I just cry because I fear that It will never go away. That I will always look in the mirror and see only flaws. That forever I will  have moments when I hate being inside my body so much that I want to scream. When I can fully I think of my body as a artistic piece of work from my heavenly father, my life will be changed. I know recovery isn't perfect and that it takes time.... especially in regards to body image. But maybe just maybe this revelation can be my first step towards freedom. 


But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7


"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19


Love in Christ, 
Laura Katherine

Experiences

Today I was blessed with a touching experience. One that is giving me chills as I think about it hours later. I felt to lord's presence in my life, in my heart, and in the church.I felt the lord reach out and speak to my heart...leading me exactly where I need to be. Exactly what he wishes me to do.There are moments like this, the one's that reveal themselves when we least expect it. Moments that compel us forward. Moments that pierce through straight to our hearts like lightning.These moments come into our mind and soul and almost shock us. They feel as if they have come out of nowhere. Then we realize that God has been planning this all along... It's like a puzzle being put together piece by piece...before the peices seem small and maybe insignificant...then suddenly they all come together perfectly all pieces working together to create one beautifully PLANNED masterpiece. That is how amazing our God is. I fail to remember that he always has a plan for us. Everything he does is backed with purpose. Even when we are far from him, he is ALWAYS near us. We are the one's blinding his presence. I have said this before-but the true power in it has never been as clear as it is today. When I was in my eating disorder, I was EMPTY. SHALLOW. LIFELESS.I was far,far away from the lord. I was spiritaully dead. This whole time God never gave up on me. He blessed me in ways that I did not see as blessings at the time but those blessing saved my life. He saved my life when really.... I thought I didn't want to be saved. He was there ALL ALONG.I was the one turning away from him. When I am confined in the depths of my disorder, I have no experiences. I have minutes, hours, and days sucked away. I go through life motions but I am not living at all. I have closed myself off from these messages God sends. In that time, I never once felt God just speak to me. I never felt the heart changing, all consuming power of his word being written directly on your heart. If I stay in my eating disorder, I may never feel that again. When God saved me from the darkness,he also blessed me with hope, love, and direction. I feel him guiding me along the way. I now have my heart completely open and devoted to him and now I can feel him. I have the blessing of EXERIENCING the all consuming feeling of God speaking directly to my heart. He worls in mysterious ways.... He has a plan. Today, I woke up with full intentions of restricting and sinking back into a few old behaviors. By 11:00 am, I felt the lord touch my heart in such a way that also helped me realize.... this is not what I need to do today. God is saying to me are you kidding Laura? You have so much to offer to others. I will bless you with the tools. Let me in. Look to me not your disorder. He reminded me of exactly what tugs on my heart when I start slipping backward.... I can NOT help others heal until I first heal myself. God completely turned my day around. I followed my meal plan 100% today. If I were not seeking the lord, I may have not been able to hear his words. I may have started day one of another slipery slope leading me down that same old dark road.

Powerlessness

Definition- inability
Synonyms- disqualification, failure, inadequacy,frailty,inability, weakness....

What in your life, leaves you feeling completely powerless?
In the past, I would have said "powerless?" " I am in control..." Yes, I know that in essence we do contol all of our actions but whether we like it or not our minds can become powerless. Recently I relized that I am powerless. When I was "living" consumed in my disorder, I felt that I had complete control. I probably had no idea what the word powerless really meant in any other context than that of an infant. I didn't want to even look at thepossibility of another way of life. Now that I am working towards recovery, one would think I had gained complete power. Recovery equals Life, freedom, choice! Yay!... Not true. Well one day it can be. Not today. Eating disorder's do not come with a quick fix. Now that I am in a better, more healthy state; I am reevaluating the question. "Am I powerless over my eating disorder?" The answer is yes. I have never TRULY seen or aknowleged it before. Perhaps that is exactly what is keeping me "stuck" not consumed in my disorder but not fully living life in recovery either... As I sat, thought, and wrote down all the ways I am still powerless over food and exercise; I realized that I am still very powerless. Certain aspects of my eating disorder, that I keep my fist clenched around are controlling me day after day. When I am truly honest with myself. I am still completely powerless over food and exercise. The daily battle that goes through my mind is full of the proof. The list I created speaks for itself. The realization that you a powerless over anything if quite frightening... The hope is in the fact that I SEE and ADMIT to this powerlessness. I am no longer blind and ambivalent to it. Now I see it but still feel the need to protect the truth of it all. My instinct is to deny it's control, continue living in it, and admit it's power to no one. Powerlessness at it's best. I am now challenging this power. I am attempting to loosen my grip on the disorder and confirm my desire for freedom. I have sent a copy of the list to my treatment team. I am sharing these thoughts with all who read this. Today I am trying my very best to "open my fist." I hope to one day have complete power and freedom. No longer restrained by a disease. Please take the time to reflect on these thoughts. Do you have freedom? Does anything in your life have significant power over you? The first step is knowing. The second is admitting.