CHRISTmas Vow

                  It is so natural to get sucked into the worldly aspects of the holiday season. It seems to me that just as all worldly things that become number one on our list, the worldly aspect of Christmas can seem irresistibly appealing to our human eyes. I mean who doesn't like to get gifts and lose oneself in fantasies like the belief Santa Claus? This season is also a time when we all seem to become more stressed and depressed. Phrases like "it's the most wonderful time of the year" are all around but many of us are just "trying to get through the holidays." Why is this? I believe that it boils down to the fact that we become so wrapped up in the materialistic qualities of the season and we completely lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas. If God is not number one on our list he does not fall anywhere on our list. He does not want to be number two or three. It's so easy to become so consumed with the temptations of life here on earth that we forget about him. I mean why do we need him when we have such a rapidly advancing technology? We desire to have all of our human needs met and met with instant gratification..
              The truth of the matter is that no matter what multitude of riches we collect here on earth we can not buy the only thing that truly fulfills our every need. No one can buy their way into heaven without seeking Jesus Christ. We not only have to seek him but place him on as number one ruling over our entire life. My point is that Christmas has become so world focused and with this focus our expectations are never fully met. Many people's depression or sadness levels actually increase throughout this season due to many reasons. When we place the Lord as the center focus of our lives and turn our lives completely over to him we receive treasures that no amount of money can purchase. Christmas is meant to be a celebration of the birth of our Lord and savior. We all participate in giving and receiving of gifts but we forget the greatest gift of all. The gift paid by Jesus Christ on the cross. God sent his only son to save the world from all sin. When Jesus is in our heart, we have already received the only gift we could ever need. Forgiveness of our sin and a place in heaven's eternal kingdom.

The past few weeks have been difficult. I have felt very depressed and a little hopeless. I have been battling the eating disorders temptations to "fix" all my problems. Events have triggered the eating disorder to rage even louder than I was already battling. I arrived at Christmas Church service feeling very depressed with many thoughts of self-hatred and also battling eating disorder thoughts and attacks on my body. I began to worship, when suddenly I felt God convicting me. It was as if he was telling me he understood all that I was facing but that if I would only open my eyes, heart, and arms to him he would heal me. I felt him shift my heart from focusing on the hurt to focusing on the blessings. I then realized all that evil had been deceiving from me. Yes, I have a lot of hurt and shame in my heart. I also have a few amazing friends that are more like family to me. I have been blessed with friendships that extrude love for God. Friends that support one another, love one another, challenge one another, and most importantly worship their heavenly Father together. I have a wonderful sister, two incredible grandmothers, and a family that is extremely dysfunctional but very loving. When I was engulfed in the depths of my eating disorder, God never gave up on me. He was always there calling for me day after day until the day that I finally was able to hear his calling. Jesus Christ saved me from death physically, mentally, and spiritually. No matter how far away I was from him he never gave up and he never stopped loving me.

           I am not yet to a place that I can fully believe and trust in the fact that I am loved unconditionally or a place in which I love myself unconditionally. I still hurt and battle depression but there is one thing I can confidently say. I am BLESSED. This Christmas I vow to set all else aside and focus on gratitude for my many blessings. I want to celebrate Jesus this Christmas. I vow to celebrate his birth and the true meaning of Christmas.

Love in Christ,
Laura Katherine

Sticks and Stones

I spent today working on a friends house. I took a break for a second to get water. As I stood in observation a married couple that were also lending a hand. They were painting while two of their children took their afternoon nap and the other was playing. The small boy walked over to his mother, placed his hands on the paint brush and said "mommy, I want to help paint." I was expecting her to say no, telling him that he is too young or can't do it right or anything but what she said. She said "yes, here help me and I will show you how. She then told him that God liked us to help one another. They were not even aware that that small act had touched my heart. They were only going about their business but I was standing amazed. I grew up with a different reality. Words of inadequacy and unworthiness were spoken over me from a young age and continued at times even to this day. The scenario would have been similar but oh so different. Contrary to what some may believe, I know how to "get my hands dirty." I grew up working in the yard every Saturday. I think that my father just treated Danielle and I as if we were his little boys. I am grateful for this today because it taught me about hard work and many other things. So, yes I can relate to helping out in the yard or building houses but I never remember situations like the one I observed today. Most things I was expected to know how to do and do perfectly on my own and if there was a mistake I knew there would be yelling. I NEVER would have been told so gently how to help paint and I never would have had that followed by words of God. I have often been told that I can't do it right, I am stupid, I am an idiot, I am selfish, I am fat....The list goes on and on. These words that were spoken over me my entire life have shaped me and become a part of me. They were most likely forgotten slips of the frustrated tongue, intensified by the consumption of alcohol... but they have power over me even to this day. The words we speak are not "just words." Words have power. " Every time we speak, we either advance the kingdom of life or we advance the kingdom of death." They say that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I have heard this phrase from a young age and now that I am an adult I am realizing more and more that it is absolute hogwash! The saddest part is that the evil words spoken over us are the ones that stick with us like a leach,  words of compassion come and go almost as fast as they came. For some of us even those can be words of evil....when we give them the power to be. There are times when we are complimented and become convinced that the person truly didn't mean it and then we think up all the horrible things that the person thinks about us. I can still account for numerous evil words spoken over me... What I believe I have to do now is trust in God's love and in God's word. The evils of this world are all around us and always attacking us. The devil thrives on words... He is NOT The heavenly father so he can not hear the words in our minds but only the ones spoken aloud. These words are the ones with the power to advance the kingdom of death over us. I am getting on a bit of a rant so I will now try and reel this in. 

For me the most powerful revelation of all of this is the fact that yes these words have been spoken over me, many creating permanent scars on my heart, mind, and soul.... however, Through Jesus Christ these words do not have to forever be looming over me. God views me as a worthy daughter and not any of the horrible words I have come to believe myself to be through years of emotional abuse.  It brings tears to my eyes to think that every single one of these scars can be lifted off of me and no longer have power over me through the name of Jesus Christ. Words are powerful but most powerful of all is our heavenly father through him ALL things are possible.... 

This makes me also think about how I speak to others. For we may speak evil over others without even knowing it... 

My main points:

 1.) Our words have great power. 

2.) We are not of the words spoken over us, we are of GOD. 

" Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may even kill me." 

Unconditional Love

            Unconditional love...what a concept? Not love until you mess up love until you disobey love until you make a mistake not love until you find out they don't love you at all not love until they abandon you not love with self seeking prophecy beneath not any kind of "conditional" love. I can't seem to even fathom that someone could love me unconditionally. My life has been filled with love but many times this love has been broken, revoked, or come with great suffering. Lately, I have been attempting to grow to  Believe that God has a eternal, unconditional love for me. This has been greatly emotional for me to grasp. When it is in regards to others I am quick to confidently say God loves them always. I mean it is taught all throughout scripture. Somehow when it comes to accepting that this love also applies to me, things get foggy. 

              After all that I have done, How could he love ME unconditionally? I often have this sinking feeling that I can not be "cleaned" that I am forever "ruined." I also look back at all the years I spent lost. All the years I spent worshiping an eating disorder that blinded me from him completely. I have been so far away from him that I lost all hope and thought about taking my own life to end the pain. After all that I have done, how could God love me? I am still learning to love myself so how I am I to trust in Gods everlasting love for me? 

               The realization that gravitates me towards the belief of this great love is his faithfulness to me. Throughout all of these years, he has been there with me. When I was completely lost, he saved me. I had no strength, no hope.... yet here I am today. I am alive and fighting everyday to give my life to Jesus rather than turn it back over to the reigns of the disorder. Even though I couldn't hear, see, or feel his presence in the darkness, he has always been there. It amazes me to look back at all the different miracles he blessed me with...some of them miracles I didn't even know were happening at the time. No matter how hopeless and unmotivated I was he ALWAYS was there. He wasn't just there he was always calling me out of the darkness. The factor many people (including myself) don't realize is that just because we don't hear him doesn't mean he is absent. We have to be ready, open, and earning to listen to his calling. When I listen, I feel his presence and love. I just sit in awe thinking about this realization. Last night I was caught up in all of these thoughts. Just in disbelief that he could love me with this great a love. This morning I sat reading in the book of Matthew when I came across the verse that says....

 "And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." 

          These words stuck me right at the heart. God created me and he knows me down to the very last detail. He has known and loved me before I even truly loved or knew him. When I was lost he did not simple give up and say oh well, I have many others that will listen to me and love me. No, he stood beside me and continually called out to me until I was saved by his great name. That is unconditional love. The holy spirit is with each of us wherever we may go and if we will only listen he will lead the way. 

What an amazing God. 

Love in Christ, 

Laura Katherine 

I chose you when I planned creation…
Ephesians 1:11-12

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope…
Jeremiah 29:11

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you…
Psalm 34:18

 

              

               

    

Turkey, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie...Oh my!

Thanksgiving: One of the days each year that most american's associate with eating a lot of food! 
A eating disorder's worst enemy. 



         Looking back at previous thanksgivings, my memories are not filled with laughter and meaningful family time. My eating disorder took so much from these times. I spent days dreading the holiday. Days planning what I would allow and not allow myself to eat... planning how I can make it look like I am eating and being "normal" without actually consuming many calories...then planning how I would restrict to make up for what I did eat. This insane eating disorder planning combined with the tolls the disorder took on my body made it impossible to enjoy the day and all that the day represents. I do not have special memories from the past few thanksgivings because I spent them with my eating disorder. This completely disconnected me from all of the things that actually matter. 

Thanksgiving may mean many things to many people. To ME (not the ed) it means taking a day to remember all we have to be thankful for. A day of gratitude spent relaxing and connecting with loved ones. As a little girl, I remember helping my grandmother set the table for thanksgiving. We would set it the day before and then we would start cooking. Mimi has always spent days making each holiday perfect. She plans for weeks and in her house preparations start days before not only the morning of. I always took much pride in being to one who helped her with these preparations, and If anyone else had wanted to be the one to help her I may have had a come apart!  I loved being "mimi's little helper." As a little girl, this is what was special for me during thanksgiving. This is really the only joyful memory I have associated with the day. (other than the next day shopping) After the years as "mimi's little helper," something happened. The eating disorder happened. From that point on I dreaded the holiday. I feel the same anxious feeling arising as I think about next week. The point of this blog is I am trying to find out how I can make this year different. How can I take back what the eating disorder sucked out of my life? I want to remember this Thanksgiving for what it means to me. No longer as a day to dread. Its funny, to someone without an eating disorder.... thanksgiving is great! People are already talking about how they can't wait for turkey and dressing or whatever it may be. Food. Football. Family. What else could be better? ha. For many of us, it's not this simple. I think fully enjoying this holiday will take work and preparation. Not the kind of preparation I used to do in my eating disordered mind. Preparation to prepare me for a potentially triggering day and also preparation to set me up to maybe even enjoy the day. While people are out buying turkeys and planing table seating, I will be mentally preparing. I will visit my dietitian with a plan for that day containing my meal plan and plan for how I will confront my fears. I will have to take a leap of faith this thanksgiving if I want to enjoy it. This means confronting my irrational thoughts, fears, and rules that I have ingrained in my mind over the years. I also plan on going to spend the day before thanksgiving with my Mimi helping her as I used to do. I hope to be able to enjoy this day and set it aside as a day of complete gratitude. 

To all those struggling with thanksgiving anxiety, I hope that we can all conquer this battle. I hope that we can spend this holiday fulfilling our meaning of thanksgiving...whatever it may be. Even if it's eating a piece of pumpkin pie! We can do this together! Who is with me on this leap of faith? 


Please wish me luck

xoxoLaura

Change can be good

I have been doing some thinking...imagine that.There are many moments when I feel that I NEED  my eating disorder to cure a feeling i find all to intense or to cure the fact that I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Recently, I have also experienced the refreshing feeling of not having it. Today I was walking back to from class with the sound of fall's leaves crunching beneath my feet, when I began contemplating how much more time I have now to enjoy these simple things. I no longer live a life that is sucked up by hours at the gym or running. My days used to come and go and all I had done was exercise until I was bruised and could no longer move. How refreshing is it to know that I do not HAVE to live like that any longer? I now have time to actually enjoy life. I now have time to accomplish goals of passion and not just goals of my disorder. Goals to follow God's plan for me rather than goals that slowly lead to death. Yes, some days I still just beat myself down and begin listening to the lies in my head... I start entertaining the idea of acting out on urges..."I just need to go run or I shouldn't eat this meal." Really though... do I want to be so consumed with exercising and restriction that It becomes my life...that I am both dead and alive?? Do I want to live a life in which I can experience the full range of God's blessings?  How great would it be to experience complete freedom?

I also have been working on an assignment. I was told to read the eater's agreement before every meal. I tried it once or twice and each time I got through about one sentence and disregarded the entire thing. It left me cringing and angry or should I say it left my eating disorder cringing and angry... ? I defiantly refused to read it and continued eating my meals the same ole either disconnected or distraught way. I then was encouraged to think about why those simple words created such resentment within me. I wrote it all out and realized almost all of my reasoning was driven by the disorder and that most of it was also due to intense fear. There were a few ideas in the writing that I simply didn't find helpful. I decided to edit the entire thing and make it my own. I have decided to share it with you all in the hopes that it may help someone else.

This was made as a goal for myself and many of the statements I make are one's that I aspire to one day believe without a doubt. I am not perfect and neither is my recovery. This is what I hope to be able to live out in the future. I now publicly agree to attempt reading this before meals.

 Laura’s EATER'S AGREEMENT

I hereby agree, from this day forward, to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for such participation - a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, and of the life that dwells therein, I agree to be an eater. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.

As an eater, I agree to hunger. I agree to have a body that needs food. I agree to eat food. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness and efficiency, the benefits of my well-being will increase. I further acknowledge that ignorance of the eating process may cause health consequences that can lead to death. I agree to believe this truth and not let denial and lies lead me back to that place.

As an eater, I accept pain. I recognize that I may suffer pain when the body is disturbed by the treatment I give it. I may experience pain when emotional and spiritual fullness is confused with physical fullness. I further understand that not eating to cure a pain cannot be remedied by restricting and may bring even more pain. I have not yet learned to completely trust myself and my body. I agree to trust in the professionals of my treatment team to make decisions that I cannot yet make for myself, such as my bodies need for food and what type of meal/exercise plan I need to follow.

As an eater, I acknowledge the domain of the sacred. I recognize that the act of eating may be ritualized and inspired. It may be given symbolic meanings that are religious or spiritual in nature. It may even be joyous. I agree to continually nurture my relationship with God.  I agree to continually strive for a mind, body, and spirit devoted to the Lord. I agree to “feed” and care for my relationship with God daily. I agree to take a stand against my eating disorders urges, lies, and false comfort.  By doing so, I chose to worship God and no longer worship the eating disorder. I chose to look to God for all my needs and not to an evil that only pulls me farther away from the true God almighty.

I recognize that at its deepest level, eating is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat, I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. I acknowledge that this choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. As a human being on earth, I agree to be an eater. I choose life again and again...

 “ Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from

God?...so use every part of your body to give back to god...”                                                    1 corinthians 6:19

“ This is what the soverign lord says to these bones; I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.”

ezekiel 37:4

xoxo 

Laura Katherine 

Awakening

One week ago, I thought I didn't want to live anymore. Darkness had sucked me back into a place of utter hopelessness. I wanted to give up completely. Today I was water baptized. I felt the Lord call out to me last weekend. I felt him order me not to let the strongholds of my life tear me away from him any longer.He reminded me that there is hope. That he has greater plans for me. In that moment, I made the decision that I would not die alone for no cause but that I will die, be buried, and live a new life through Jesus Christ. I feel hopeless some days but there is NOTHING that can defeat our God almighty! He is my light in the darkness. Today I declare a life committed to my Father, son, and holy spirit. I declare a life fully committed to worshiping God and no longer worshiping a disease. I still am in a daily battle. I am not perfect and the fight is not over. I know that without God, I would never have even made it this far. Without God, I would be dead. The eating disorder is STRONG but God is INVINCIBLE!!

Romans 6:3-5

Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.

Love in Christ, 

Laura Katherine 

Create

Create. When I hear the word create, the first thing that cognates in my mind is art. Art comes in a broad variety of forms. From the paintings of Van Gogh, the compositions of Mozart, the elegance and beauty of the New York City Ballet, all the way down to the precious finger-paintings, saved from when we were about 6 years old. I believe that all art is valuable and deserves respect. When a person creates, it isn't just paint on canvas. I believe artist tell stories through their work. Each and every creation is created via passion. One persons trash may be another's treasure. Creations come from the heart. My insight regarding art, leads me to approach all art forms with an open mind. Who am I to judge another's passion? I spend day in and day out hating my body. Most days I want to crawl out of my skin. Recently, I had a revelation. God is the ultimate artist. He created the waters, forest, and all living creatures. Then God created man and woman to rule over the earth. He created them in his image... (Genesis 1:27) When I repeat hateful words to myself day after day, I am also hating God's creation. He created everyone of us for a purpose. From our hair to our toes, God made us perfectly in his own image. He wants us to Love him with all of our heart, soul, and mind. How can I do so when I feel such hatred towards my body and some days myself? The unloving words in my head, can not be words of God but only words of evil. The torturous, diseased thoughts playing in my head telling me that I am never good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, worth enough... those are all strongholds of evil. Trying to kill me. Mind.Body.Spirit. God is greater than ALL of these. I am fighting daily to seek the Lord for all of my needs, instead of the eating disorder screaming in my head. Hopefully, The closer I get to God, the further away I will be from these torturous thoughts. Even on days when I am feeling "okay", even "happy".... I still have moments of hatred toward my body. Some days I just cry because I fear that It will never go away. That I will always look in the mirror and see only flaws. That forever I will  have moments when I hate being inside my body so much that I want to scream. When I can fully I think of my body as a artistic piece of work from my heavenly father, my life will be changed. I know recovery isn't perfect and that it takes time.... especially in regards to body image. But maybe just maybe this revelation can be my first step towards freedom. 


But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7


"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19


Love in Christ, 
Laura Katherine