Choice

Today I have power. I have choice. I find myself looking to my ED in time's of stress, anxiety, and, depression. Times when feelings seem too much. When I feel anything real, my automatic reaction is look to my ED to "fix" it. In reality, acting out with not "fix" anything. It simply covers them up for the time being. If I completely resort back to my ED, I will supress all feelings by focussing solely on it. I will begin to supress all feelings and only put energy into covering them with the blanket of my ED. These feelings don't disapear... eventually they will burst. Cleaning up after an eruption, is far more painful than actually feeling them and using skills to deal with them as they come. The trick is not to let a glance down the road turn into a u turn. When I lose power and choice to the disease, I also lose intrest in healing. When I am completley in the depths of my ed, I lose all interest in life. I am slowly killing myself. Keeping myself on the path to recovery, whether I am standing solitary, stepping forward, or looking forward after a step back.... is crucial. In a life of recovery I can have choice. I can have hope. I can feel all emotions. I can find self. I can grow. I can help.I can have relationships.I can worship and serve the lord. In an eating disorder, I can have death. Spiritual, emotional, and pysical. My goal is to constantly assure that my mind is set on a life of recovery. If I allow myself to lose sight of this. I will lose everything else too. I will unknowingly be back on a dead end street.... This street is not a one way. There is hope. The key is in fighting to keep this hope alive.

Still Fighting


Laura Katherine