Realms

 

Realms: the region, sphere, or domain within which anything occurs, prevails, or dominates.

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell." Matthew 10:28

 

I feel that I am centrally located between two realms. In the past, I lived a life entirely submerged in the realm of my eating disorder. All encompassing. All dominating. All controlling. When I was forced  to tip toe outside, I felt afraid and deranged at the idea of change. Once my body became more steady and I was able to take a few steps away from the past, God began to work in me. He brought me back to life. For the first time, I truly began to feel his presence. Now day after day I feel myself trapped in the midst of a battle. The "comfort" of my eating disorder vs. the desire to know, love,and serve my lord. My heart hurts at the thought of this. Why can't I just let go of it all and give it all up to God? I desire to grow closer in my relationship with him and my faith. As I said, I am trapped between the two. I am in a tug- of - war. I deeply desire to live life in a way God wants. When I step forward.... I often get pulled right back. The disorder is strong. Nothing is a strong as God. I choose to keep fighting. No matter how hard the way of my past tugs, I choose to persevere. I know for a fact that I can not fully devote my life to the lord with any fragment of my ED present. I feel my fist tightly grapsing the disorder in different situations and in those moments I am far from God. I have to keep looking to him for guidance. I have to open my heart, mind,and soul to him. I know he will lead me on the path he has paved and away from the evil. I read mathew 10 and as I thought about the verse, I realized it's true significance. When we are pysically harmed, our soul is still intact. God blesses us with healing. When both our body and soul are taken over by evil, ( whatever way it emerges) God yerns for our revival but we have our eyes closed and back turned from him. He may call to us but will we even hear him? When our body is harmed or in danger, we become afraid. When our body and soul are "dead" we have no capacity to feel fear. I find it ironic how incongruent this is with Mathew 10. We fear when our hearts know God can heal. We do not fear when it is most called for. In my case, it took hitting rock bottom to feel anything at all. Now that I have commited to and reconected to my higher power, my greatest fear is losing it again to the realm of my eating disorder. I hope and pray to find my way out of the darkness, out of the clouds, and into the light. I desire to give it ALL to God. To LIVE life for him. That is the realm I want to live in.For any other is no life at all.

 

Laura Katherine