CHRISTmas Vow

                  It is so natural to get sucked into the worldly aspects of the holiday season. It seems to me that just as all worldly things that become number one on our list, the worldly aspect of Christmas can seem irresistibly appealing to our human eyes. I mean who doesn't like to get gifts and lose oneself in fantasies like the belief Santa Claus? This season is also a time when we all seem to become more stressed and depressed. Phrases like "it's the most wonderful time of the year" are all around but many of us are just "trying to get through the holidays." Why is this? I believe that it boils down to the fact that we become so wrapped up in the materialistic qualities of the season and we completely lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas. If God is not number one on our list he does not fall anywhere on our list. He does not want to be number two or three. It's so easy to become so consumed with the temptations of life here on earth that we forget about him. I mean why do we need him when we have such a rapidly advancing technology? We desire to have all of our human needs met and met with instant gratification..
              The truth of the matter is that no matter what multitude of riches we collect here on earth we can not buy the only thing that truly fulfills our every need. No one can buy their way into heaven without seeking Jesus Christ. We not only have to seek him but place him on as number one ruling over our entire life. My point is that Christmas has become so world focused and with this focus our expectations are never fully met. Many people's depression or sadness levels actually increase throughout this season due to many reasons. When we place the Lord as the center focus of our lives and turn our lives completely over to him we receive treasures that no amount of money can purchase. Christmas is meant to be a celebration of the birth of our Lord and savior. We all participate in giving and receiving of gifts but we forget the greatest gift of all. The gift paid by Jesus Christ on the cross. God sent his only son to save the world from all sin. When Jesus is in our heart, we have already received the only gift we could ever need. Forgiveness of our sin and a place in heaven's eternal kingdom.

The past few weeks have been difficult. I have felt very depressed and a little hopeless. I have been battling the eating disorders temptations to "fix" all my problems. Events have triggered the eating disorder to rage even louder than I was already battling. I arrived at Christmas Church service feeling very depressed with many thoughts of self-hatred and also battling eating disorder thoughts and attacks on my body. I began to worship, when suddenly I felt God convicting me. It was as if he was telling me he understood all that I was facing but that if I would only open my eyes, heart, and arms to him he would heal me. I felt him shift my heart from focusing on the hurt to focusing on the blessings. I then realized all that evil had been deceiving from me. Yes, I have a lot of hurt and shame in my heart. I also have a few amazing friends that are more like family to me. I have been blessed with friendships that extrude love for God. Friends that support one another, love one another, challenge one another, and most importantly worship their heavenly Father together. I have a wonderful sister, two incredible grandmothers, and a family that is extremely dysfunctional but very loving. When I was engulfed in the depths of my eating disorder, God never gave up on me. He was always there calling for me day after day until the day that I finally was able to hear his calling. Jesus Christ saved me from death physically, mentally, and spiritually. No matter how far away I was from him he never gave up and he never stopped loving me.

           I am not yet to a place that I can fully believe and trust in the fact that I am loved unconditionally or a place in which I love myself unconditionally. I still hurt and battle depression but there is one thing I can confidently say. I am BLESSED. This Christmas I vow to set all else aside and focus on gratitude for my many blessings. I want to celebrate Jesus this Christmas. I vow to celebrate his birth and the true meaning of Christmas.

Love in Christ,
Laura Katherine

Sticks and Stones

I spent today working on a friends house. I took a break for a second to get water. As I stood in observation a married couple that were also lending a hand. They were painting while two of their children took their afternoon nap and the other was playing. The small boy walked over to his mother, placed his hands on the paint brush and said "mommy, I want to help paint." I was expecting her to say no, telling him that he is too young or can't do it right or anything but what she said. She said "yes, here help me and I will show you how. She then told him that God liked us to help one another. They were not even aware that that small act had touched my heart. They were only going about their business but I was standing amazed. I grew up with a different reality. Words of inadequacy and unworthiness were spoken over me from a young age and continued at times even to this day. The scenario would have been similar but oh so different. Contrary to what some may believe, I know how to "get my hands dirty." I grew up working in the yard every Saturday. I think that my father just treated Danielle and I as if we were his little boys. I am grateful for this today because it taught me about hard work and many other things. So, yes I can relate to helping out in the yard or building houses but I never remember situations like the one I observed today. Most things I was expected to know how to do and do perfectly on my own and if there was a mistake I knew there would be yelling. I NEVER would have been told so gently how to help paint and I never would have had that followed by words of God. I have often been told that I can't do it right, I am stupid, I am an idiot, I am selfish, I am fat....The list goes on and on. These words that were spoken over me my entire life have shaped me and become a part of me. They were most likely forgotten slips of the frustrated tongue, intensified by the consumption of alcohol... but they have power over me even to this day. The words we speak are not "just words." Words have power. " Every time we speak, we either advance the kingdom of life or we advance the kingdom of death." They say that "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I have heard this phrase from a young age and now that I am an adult I am realizing more and more that it is absolute hogwash! The saddest part is that the evil words spoken over us are the ones that stick with us like a leach,  words of compassion come and go almost as fast as they came. For some of us even those can be words of evil....when we give them the power to be. There are times when we are complimented and become convinced that the person truly didn't mean it and then we think up all the horrible things that the person thinks about us. I can still account for numerous evil words spoken over me... What I believe I have to do now is trust in God's love and in God's word. The evils of this world are all around us and always attacking us. The devil thrives on words... He is NOT The heavenly father so he can not hear the words in our minds but only the ones spoken aloud. These words are the ones with the power to advance the kingdom of death over us. I am getting on a bit of a rant so I will now try and reel this in. 

For me the most powerful revelation of all of this is the fact that yes these words have been spoken over me, many creating permanent scars on my heart, mind, and soul.... however, Through Jesus Christ these words do not have to forever be looming over me. God views me as a worthy daughter and not any of the horrible words I have come to believe myself to be through years of emotional abuse.  It brings tears to my eyes to think that every single one of these scars can be lifted off of me and no longer have power over me through the name of Jesus Christ. Words are powerful but most powerful of all is our heavenly father through him ALL things are possible.... 

This makes me also think about how I speak to others. For we may speak evil over others without even knowing it... 

My main points:

 1.) Our words have great power. 

2.) We are not of the words spoken over us, we are of GOD. 

" Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may even kill me." 

Unconditional Love

            Unconditional love...what a concept? Not love until you mess up love until you disobey love until you make a mistake not love until you find out they don't love you at all not love until they abandon you not love with self seeking prophecy beneath not any kind of "conditional" love. I can't seem to even fathom that someone could love me unconditionally. My life has been filled with love but many times this love has been broken, revoked, or come with great suffering. Lately, I have been attempting to grow to  Believe that God has a eternal, unconditional love for me. This has been greatly emotional for me to grasp. When it is in regards to others I am quick to confidently say God loves them always. I mean it is taught all throughout scripture. Somehow when it comes to accepting that this love also applies to me, things get foggy. 

              After all that I have done, How could he love ME unconditionally? I often have this sinking feeling that I can not be "cleaned" that I am forever "ruined." I also look back at all the years I spent lost. All the years I spent worshiping an eating disorder that blinded me from him completely. I have been so far away from him that I lost all hope and thought about taking my own life to end the pain. After all that I have done, how could God love me? I am still learning to love myself so how I am I to trust in Gods everlasting love for me? 

               The realization that gravitates me towards the belief of this great love is his faithfulness to me. Throughout all of these years, he has been there with me. When I was completely lost, he saved me. I had no strength, no hope.... yet here I am today. I am alive and fighting everyday to give my life to Jesus rather than turn it back over to the reigns of the disorder. Even though I couldn't hear, see, or feel his presence in the darkness, he has always been there. It amazes me to look back at all the different miracles he blessed me with...some of them miracles I didn't even know were happening at the time. No matter how hopeless and unmotivated I was he ALWAYS was there. He wasn't just there he was always calling me out of the darkness. The factor many people (including myself) don't realize is that just because we don't hear him doesn't mean he is absent. We have to be ready, open, and earning to listen to his calling. When I listen, I feel his presence and love. I just sit in awe thinking about this realization. Last night I was caught up in all of these thoughts. Just in disbelief that he could love me with this great a love. This morning I sat reading in the book of Matthew when I came across the verse that says....

 "And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." 

          These words stuck me right at the heart. God created me and he knows me down to the very last detail. He has known and loved me before I even truly loved or knew him. When I was lost he did not simple give up and say oh well, I have many others that will listen to me and love me. No, he stood beside me and continually called out to me until I was saved by his great name. That is unconditional love. The holy spirit is with each of us wherever we may go and if we will only listen he will lead the way. 

What an amazing God. 

Love in Christ, 

Laura Katherine 

I chose you when I planned creation…
Ephesians 1:11-12

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope…
Jeremiah 29:11

When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you…
Psalm 34:18

 

              

               

    

Turkey, sweet potatoes, and pumpkin pie...Oh my!

Thanksgiving: One of the days each year that most american's associate with eating a lot of food! 
A eating disorder's worst enemy. 



         Looking back at previous thanksgivings, my memories are not filled with laughter and meaningful family time. My eating disorder took so much from these times. I spent days dreading the holiday. Days planning what I would allow and not allow myself to eat... planning how I can make it look like I am eating and being "normal" without actually consuming many calories...then planning how I would restrict to make up for what I did eat. This insane eating disorder planning combined with the tolls the disorder took on my body made it impossible to enjoy the day and all that the day represents. I do not have special memories from the past few thanksgivings because I spent them with my eating disorder. This completely disconnected me from all of the things that actually matter. 

Thanksgiving may mean many things to many people. To ME (not the ed) it means taking a day to remember all we have to be thankful for. A day of gratitude spent relaxing and connecting with loved ones. As a little girl, I remember helping my grandmother set the table for thanksgiving. We would set it the day before and then we would start cooking. Mimi has always spent days making each holiday perfect. She plans for weeks and in her house preparations start days before not only the morning of. I always took much pride in being to one who helped her with these preparations, and If anyone else had wanted to be the one to help her I may have had a come apart!  I loved being "mimi's little helper." As a little girl, this is what was special for me during thanksgiving. This is really the only joyful memory I have associated with the day. (other than the next day shopping) After the years as "mimi's little helper," something happened. The eating disorder happened. From that point on I dreaded the holiday. I feel the same anxious feeling arising as I think about next week. The point of this blog is I am trying to find out how I can make this year different. How can I take back what the eating disorder sucked out of my life? I want to remember this Thanksgiving for what it means to me. No longer as a day to dread. Its funny, to someone without an eating disorder.... thanksgiving is great! People are already talking about how they can't wait for turkey and dressing or whatever it may be. Food. Football. Family. What else could be better? ha. For many of us, it's not this simple. I think fully enjoying this holiday will take work and preparation. Not the kind of preparation I used to do in my eating disordered mind. Preparation to prepare me for a potentially triggering day and also preparation to set me up to maybe even enjoy the day. While people are out buying turkeys and planing table seating, I will be mentally preparing. I will visit my dietitian with a plan for that day containing my meal plan and plan for how I will confront my fears. I will have to take a leap of faith this thanksgiving if I want to enjoy it. This means confronting my irrational thoughts, fears, and rules that I have ingrained in my mind over the years. I also plan on going to spend the day before thanksgiving with my Mimi helping her as I used to do. I hope to be able to enjoy this day and set it aside as a day of complete gratitude. 

To all those struggling with thanksgiving anxiety, I hope that we can all conquer this battle. I hope that we can spend this holiday fulfilling our meaning of thanksgiving...whatever it may be. Even if it's eating a piece of pumpkin pie! We can do this together! Who is with me on this leap of faith? 


Please wish me luck

xoxoLaura

Change can be good

I have been doing some thinking...imagine that.There are many moments when I feel that I NEED  my eating disorder to cure a feeling i find all to intense or to cure the fact that I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. Recently, I have also experienced the refreshing feeling of not having it. Today I was walking back to from class with the sound of fall's leaves crunching beneath my feet, when I began contemplating how much more time I have now to enjoy these simple things. I no longer live a life that is sucked up by hours at the gym or running. My days used to come and go and all I had done was exercise until I was bruised and could no longer move. How refreshing is it to know that I do not HAVE to live like that any longer? I now have time to actually enjoy life. I now have time to accomplish goals of passion and not just goals of my disorder. Goals to follow God's plan for me rather than goals that slowly lead to death. Yes, some days I still just beat myself down and begin listening to the lies in my head... I start entertaining the idea of acting out on urges..."I just need to go run or I shouldn't eat this meal." Really though... do I want to be so consumed with exercising and restriction that It becomes my life...that I am both dead and alive?? Do I want to live a life in which I can experience the full range of God's blessings?  How great would it be to experience complete freedom?

I also have been working on an assignment. I was told to read the eater's agreement before every meal. I tried it once or twice and each time I got through about one sentence and disregarded the entire thing. It left me cringing and angry or should I say it left my eating disorder cringing and angry... ? I defiantly refused to read it and continued eating my meals the same ole either disconnected or distraught way. I then was encouraged to think about why those simple words created such resentment within me. I wrote it all out and realized almost all of my reasoning was driven by the disorder and that most of it was also due to intense fear. There were a few ideas in the writing that I simply didn't find helpful. I decided to edit the entire thing and make it my own. I have decided to share it with you all in the hopes that it may help someone else.

This was made as a goal for myself and many of the statements I make are one's that I aspire to one day believe without a doubt. I am not perfect and neither is my recovery. This is what I hope to be able to live out in the future. I now publicly agree to attempt reading this before meals.

 Laura’s EATER'S AGREEMENT

I hereby agree, from this day forward, to fully participate in life on earth. I agree to inhabit the appropriate vehicle for such participation - a body. As a requisite for the sustaining of that body, and of the life that dwells therein, I agree to be an eater. This agreement fully binds me for the duration of my stay on earth.

As an eater, I agree to hunger. I agree to have a body that needs food. I agree to eat food. I recognize that as the biological need to eat is fulfilled with greater awareness and efficiency, the benefits of my well-being will increase. I further acknowledge that ignorance of the eating process may cause health consequences that can lead to death. I agree to believe this truth and not let denial and lies lead me back to that place.

As an eater, I accept pain. I recognize that I may suffer pain when the body is disturbed by the treatment I give it. I may experience pain when emotional and spiritual fullness is confused with physical fullness. I further understand that not eating to cure a pain cannot be remedied by restricting and may bring even more pain. I have not yet learned to completely trust myself and my body. I agree to trust in the professionals of my treatment team to make decisions that I cannot yet make for myself, such as my bodies need for food and what type of meal/exercise plan I need to follow.

As an eater, I acknowledge the domain of the sacred. I recognize that the act of eating may be ritualized and inspired. It may be given symbolic meanings that are religious or spiritual in nature. It may even be joyous. I agree to continually nurture my relationship with God.  I agree to continually strive for a mind, body, and spirit devoted to the Lord. I agree to “feed” and care for my relationship with God daily. I agree to take a stand against my eating disorders urges, lies, and false comfort.  By doing so, I chose to worship God and no longer worship the eating disorder. I chose to look to God for all my needs and not to an evil that only pulls me farther away from the true God almighty.

I recognize that at its deepest level, eating is an affirmation of life. Each time I eat, I agree somewhere inside to continue life on earth. I acknowledge that this choice to eat is a fundamental act of love and nourishment, a true celebration of my existence. As a human being on earth, I agree to be an eater. I choose life again and again...

 “ Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from

God?...so use every part of your body to give back to god...”                                                    1 corinthians 6:19

“ This is what the soverign lord says to these bones; I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.”

ezekiel 37:4

xoxo 

Laura Katherine 

Awakening

One week ago, I thought I didn't want to live anymore. Darkness had sucked me back into a place of utter hopelessness. I wanted to give up completely. Today I was water baptized. I felt the Lord call out to me last weekend. I felt him order me not to let the strongholds of my life tear me away from him any longer.He reminded me that there is hope. That he has greater plans for me. In that moment, I made the decision that I would not die alone for no cause but that I will die, be buried, and live a new life through Jesus Christ. I feel hopeless some days but there is NOTHING that can defeat our God almighty! He is my light in the darkness. Today I declare a life committed to my Father, son, and holy spirit. I declare a life fully committed to worshiping God and no longer worshiping a disease. I still am in a daily battle. I am not perfect and the fight is not over. I know that without God, I would never have even made it this far. Without God, I would be dead. The eating disorder is STRONG but God is INVINCIBLE!!

Romans 6:3-5

Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?

We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, so that as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his.

Love in Christ, 

Laura Katherine 

Create

Create. When I hear the word create, the first thing that cognates in my mind is art. Art comes in a broad variety of forms. From the paintings of Van Gogh, the compositions of Mozart, the elegance and beauty of the New York City Ballet, all the way down to the precious finger-paintings, saved from when we were about 6 years old. I believe that all art is valuable and deserves respect. When a person creates, it isn't just paint on canvas. I believe artist tell stories through their work. Each and every creation is created via passion. One persons trash may be another's treasure. Creations come from the heart. My insight regarding art, leads me to approach all art forms with an open mind. Who am I to judge another's passion? I spend day in and day out hating my body. Most days I want to crawl out of my skin. Recently, I had a revelation. God is the ultimate artist. He created the waters, forest, and all living creatures. Then God created man and woman to rule over the earth. He created them in his image... (Genesis 1:27) When I repeat hateful words to myself day after day, I am also hating God's creation. He created everyone of us for a purpose. From our hair to our toes, God made us perfectly in his own image. He wants us to Love him with all of our heart, soul, and mind. How can I do so when I feel such hatred towards my body and some days myself? The unloving words in my head, can not be words of God but only words of evil. The torturous, diseased thoughts playing in my head telling me that I am never good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, worth enough... those are all strongholds of evil. Trying to kill me. Mind.Body.Spirit. God is greater than ALL of these. I am fighting daily to seek the Lord for all of my needs, instead of the eating disorder screaming in my head. Hopefully, The closer I get to God, the further away I will be from these torturous thoughts. Even on days when I am feeling "okay", even "happy".... I still have moments of hatred toward my body. Some days I just cry because I fear that It will never go away. That I will always look in the mirror and see only flaws. That forever I will  have moments when I hate being inside my body so much that I want to scream. When I can fully I think of my body as a artistic piece of work from my heavenly father, my life will be changed. I know recovery isn't perfect and that it takes time.... especially in regards to body image. But maybe just maybe this revelation can be my first step towards freedom. 


But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7


"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19


Love in Christ, 
Laura Katherine

Experiences

Today I was blessed with a touching experience. One that is giving me chills as I think about it hours later. I felt to lord's presence in my life, in my heart, and in the church.I felt the lord reach out and speak to my heart...leading me exactly where I need to be. Exactly what he wishes me to do.There are moments like this, the one's that reveal themselves when we least expect it. Moments that compel us forward. Moments that pierce through straight to our hearts like lightning.These moments come into our mind and soul and almost shock us. They feel as if they have come out of nowhere. Then we realize that God has been planning this all along... It's like a puzzle being put together piece by piece...before the peices seem small and maybe insignificant...then suddenly they all come together perfectly all pieces working together to create one beautifully PLANNED masterpiece. That is how amazing our God is. I fail to remember that he always has a plan for us. Everything he does is backed with purpose. Even when we are far from him, he is ALWAYS near us. We are the one's blinding his presence. I have said this before-but the true power in it has never been as clear as it is today. When I was in my eating disorder, I was EMPTY. SHALLOW. LIFELESS.I was far,far away from the lord. I was spiritaully dead. This whole time God never gave up on me. He blessed me in ways that I did not see as blessings at the time but those blessing saved my life. He saved my life when really.... I thought I didn't want to be saved. He was there ALL ALONG.I was the one turning away from him. When I am confined in the depths of my disorder, I have no experiences. I have minutes, hours, and days sucked away. I go through life motions but I am not living at all. I have closed myself off from these messages God sends. In that time, I never once felt God just speak to me. I never felt the heart changing, all consuming power of his word being written directly on your heart. If I stay in my eating disorder, I may never feel that again. When God saved me from the darkness,he also blessed me with hope, love, and direction. I feel him guiding me along the way. I now have my heart completely open and devoted to him and now I can feel him. I have the blessing of EXERIENCING the all consuming feeling of God speaking directly to my heart. He worls in mysterious ways.... He has a plan. Today, I woke up with full intentions of restricting and sinking back into a few old behaviors. By 11:00 am, I felt the lord touch my heart in such a way that also helped me realize.... this is not what I need to do today. God is saying to me are you kidding Laura? You have so much to offer to others. I will bless you with the tools. Let me in. Look to me not your disorder. He reminded me of exactly what tugs on my heart when I start slipping backward.... I can NOT help others heal until I first heal myself. God completely turned my day around. I followed my meal plan 100% today. If I were not seeking the lord, I may have not been able to hear his words. I may have started day one of another slipery slope leading me down that same old dark road.

Powerlessness

Definition- inability
Synonyms- disqualification, failure, inadequacy,frailty,inability, weakness....

What in your life, leaves you feeling completely powerless?
In the past, I would have said "powerless?" " I am in control..." Yes, I know that in essence we do contol all of our actions but whether we like it or not our minds can become powerless. Recently I relized that I am powerless. When I was "living" consumed in my disorder, I felt that I had complete control. I probably had no idea what the word powerless really meant in any other context than that of an infant. I didn't want to even look at thepossibility of another way of life. Now that I am working towards recovery, one would think I had gained complete power. Recovery equals Life, freedom, choice! Yay!... Not true. Well one day it can be. Not today. Eating disorder's do not come with a quick fix. Now that I am in a better, more healthy state; I am reevaluating the question. "Am I powerless over my eating disorder?" The answer is yes. I have never TRULY seen or aknowleged it before. Perhaps that is exactly what is keeping me "stuck" not consumed in my disorder but not fully living life in recovery either... As I sat, thought, and wrote down all the ways I am still powerless over food and exercise; I realized that I am still very powerless. Certain aspects of my eating disorder, that I keep my fist clenched around are controlling me day after day. When I am truly honest with myself. I am still completely powerless over food and exercise. The daily battle that goes through my mind is full of the proof. The list I created speaks for itself. The realization that you a powerless over anything if quite frightening... The hope is in the fact that I SEE and ADMIT to this powerlessness. I am no longer blind and ambivalent to it. Now I see it but still feel the need to protect the truth of it all. My instinct is to deny it's control, continue living in it, and admit it's power to no one. Powerlessness at it's best. I am now challenging this power. I am attempting to loosen my grip on the disorder and confirm my desire for freedom. I have sent a copy of the list to my treatment team. I am sharing these thoughts with all who read this. Today I am trying my very best to "open my fist." I hope to one day have complete power and freedom. No longer restrained by a disease. Please take the time to reflect on these thoughts. Do you have freedom? Does anything in your life have significant power over you? The first step is knowing. The second is admitting.

Helpful message

God did not ever intend on us being alone. Simple statement. Powerful meaning. Until this past sunday, I had never realized this. When I was in my ED, I was ALL alone. I neglected all of my relationships. I was completely lost... blinded by my addiction. I neglected the most important relationship of all... the one with God. Leaving a life consumed by my ED means that I can find a life in recovery. A life full of meaningful connections and love. When I live a life in recovery, I will know deep down that I am never alone...for wherever I may go the lord is with me. In the same message I took with me that words, "if it isn't coming from someone that loves me, I DON'T CARE." Painful unloving words have no significance. The words of our loved one's are the only one's that have meaning. I have never lived with this in mind. I spend my life concerned with what a stranger, insect, or object think of me. Worst of all, parts of me do not love myself. Why do I listen to the unloving thoughts that play in my head daily? The thoughts that come from a part of me filled with self-hatred and deprived any self-compassion. I am chained down by them. Whenever the accepting, loving side attempts to over-take them; the other part goes on a rampage. Will it ever end? Will I ever find a place that I can truly view myself with a loving, radical acceptance? Not only a few parts of me but ALL of me. In my past, I spent life avoiding relationships at all cost. I kept myself in isolation to protect and devote time to my ED. When I went to treatment, I had to give it all up. In doing so, I was forced to unleash feelings that I had burried deep, deep down. Dealing with all of these feelings left me convinced that I would be alone forever. I truly thought I would die alone. "who would want to be with me? " When I began to open up and let others in, I found myself in truly loving, meaningful relationships with the most amazing women I have ever met. Even then that part of me was convinced  that it was all fake. I second guessed myself. I found myslef opening up and then frantically withdrawing. I felt such self hatred towards myself, that I found it impossible for anyone to actually care about me... Looking back, I see that it was in the moments that I came out of hiding.... I truly came back to life. Those relationships helped me through the darkness and toward life anew. I am forever grateful for every one of them. Still today, I find myself afraid to let others in. I have transforemd but not yet have I completely conquered.I used to have the defeating belief that I would spend forever alone. I lived everyday with this hopelessness. Today, there are times of vulnerability when I find myself trapped in these old thoughts. I am still afraid. The broken parts of me still need time and effort to mend. Some days, I just feel trapped. Petrified. The difference is now I have found the ultimate connection in life. My relationship with God. God did NOT intend for us to be alone. God placed special people in my life during this time of hardship. He placed them there for a reason. With God in my heart, I can challenge the fears. The fears that became second nature to me. Fears of being hurt and abandoned. The experiences and fears from my past haunt me. I know now that the only way to overcome them is to trust in God. He will never leave or harm me.

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid becasue of them, for the lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Choice

Today I have power. I have choice. I find myself looking to my ED in time's of stress, anxiety, and, depression. Times when feelings seem too much. When I feel anything real, my automatic reaction is look to my ED to "fix" it. In reality, acting out with not "fix" anything. It simply covers them up for the time being. If I completely resort back to my ED, I will supress all feelings by focussing solely on it. I will begin to supress all feelings and only put energy into covering them with the blanket of my ED. These feelings don't disapear... eventually they will burst. Cleaning up after an eruption, is far more painful than actually feeling them and using skills to deal with them as they come. The trick is not to let a glance down the road turn into a u turn. When I lose power and choice to the disease, I also lose intrest in healing. When I am completley in the depths of my ed, I lose all interest in life. I am slowly killing myself. Keeping myself on the path to recovery, whether I am standing solitary, stepping forward, or looking forward after a step back.... is crucial. In a life of recovery I can have choice. I can have hope. I can feel all emotions. I can find self. I can grow. I can help.I can have relationships.I can worship and serve the lord. In an eating disorder, I can have death. Spiritual, emotional, and pysical. My goal is to constantly assure that my mind is set on a life of recovery. If I allow myself to lose sight of this. I will lose everything else too. I will unknowingly be back on a dead end street.... This street is not a one way. There is hope. The key is in fighting to keep this hope alive.

Still Fighting


Laura Katherine

Realms

 

Realms: the region, sphere, or domain within which anything occurs, prevails, or dominates.

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell." Matthew 10:28

 

I feel that I am centrally located between two realms. In the past, I lived a life entirely submerged in the realm of my eating disorder. All encompassing. All dominating. All controlling. When I was forced  to tip toe outside, I felt afraid and deranged at the idea of change. Once my body became more steady and I was able to take a few steps away from the past, God began to work in me. He brought me back to life. For the first time, I truly began to feel his presence. Now day after day I feel myself trapped in the midst of a battle. The "comfort" of my eating disorder vs. the desire to know, love,and serve my lord. My heart hurts at the thought of this. Why can't I just let go of it all and give it all up to God? I desire to grow closer in my relationship with him and my faith. As I said, I am trapped between the two. I am in a tug- of - war. I deeply desire to live life in a way God wants. When I step forward.... I often get pulled right back. The disorder is strong. Nothing is a strong as God. I choose to keep fighting. No matter how hard the way of my past tugs, I choose to persevere. I know for a fact that I can not fully devote my life to the lord with any fragment of my ED present. I feel my fist tightly grapsing the disorder in different situations and in those moments I am far from God. I have to keep looking to him for guidance. I have to open my heart, mind,and soul to him. I know he will lead me on the path he has paved and away from the evil. I read mathew 10 and as I thought about the verse, I realized it's true significance. When we are pysically harmed, our soul is still intact. God blesses us with healing. When both our body and soul are taken over by evil, ( whatever way it emerges) God yerns for our revival but we have our eyes closed and back turned from him. He may call to us but will we even hear him? When our body is harmed or in danger, we become afraid. When our body and soul are "dead" we have no capacity to feel fear. I find it ironic how incongruent this is with Mathew 10. We fear when our hearts know God can heal. We do not fear when it is most called for. In my case, it took hitting rock bottom to feel anything at all. Now that I have commited to and reconected to my higher power, my greatest fear is losing it again to the realm of my eating disorder. I hope and pray to find my way out of the darkness, out of the clouds, and into the light. I desire to give it ALL to God. To LIVE life for him. That is the realm I want to live in.For any other is no life at all.

 

Laura Katherine

 

Armor

" Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes...and pray in the spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers..." Esesians 6:10-11

I sat in church yesterday with tears forming in my eyes and a heart overflowing with emotion. I felt ashamed of myself for my past ways. I kept thinking about all of the time I spent completely lost from the lord and the life he gives me. I spent so long stuck in "dead" place. A place where I worshiped a terrible disease every second of everyday instead of worshiping my heavenly father. I didn't even acknowledge him. With all the time spent worshiping my eating disorder, I had and made no time for the lord. How could I have done such a thing?? How did I let all of these things happen? The first time my therapist told me that I am fully worshiping my eating disorder and not God... I became extremely angry and didn't believe her one bit. Now my eyes and mind are clear and I know that I truly was doing just that. How lucky am I that when I turned away from the lord he never gave up on me. He blessed me with cennections with the most wonderful women I have ever known. He blessed me with the time I needed in treatment but never thought I would get or want. He blessed me by allowing my body to heal after all the harm I caused it. He blessed me with all the tools I needed to finally find my way again. I found the Lord again. He truly gave me the breath of life after I had been suffocating for a very long while. He helped me see the well lite path the he has paved for me and allowed me time to slowly turn away from the dead end I was headed towards and to the path only he knows because he has planned it specifically for me. I still have days when I allow the thoughts to take over and bring me back a few steps but overall I believe the only direction I am striving for is forward. I was reminded of the verse above yesterday. I thought about all these things that often weigh heavy on my heart. ( Bad words in know BOOOP ;) ) I want to do just what the verse comands. I want to face this evil by putting on the full armor of God. With God's help, I can put on this armor to fight off the BAD body image, the self hatred, the temptation on my ED, the urges to restrict or over exercise, the anxiety and fear... anything that stands in the way of my recovery and my relationship with God has to go. This is the most difficult challenge I have ever faced. Yesterday I really realized I can never acheive a life of freedom without keeping this verse close to my heart and mind daily. I can never heal without the help of the lord. The only way I have been able to take any inch forward on the path towards recovery is with the help of him. I have become exausted after all the times I have slipped and all the inner battles I fight daily. I know now that I can never do this alone. Today I will put on the full armor of God and stand against all evil.

Laura Katherine

Decisions

Every moment of every day we all have choice and all must make decisions. This sounds simple but for me it is very enlightening. Yesterday, someone very special to me asked, "What do YOU want to do?" It was not until today that I realized how momentous those words were. This question led me to take time to think and journal about what I really wanted. For the first time in my life, someone asked ME what I wanted. My entire life has been about what EVERYONE else wanted me to do. I have grown up always having the people in my life tell me exactly what I have to do and how I should do it. No one ever asked me what it was that I wanted to do. Today I thought about what I wanted and it felt liberating. I just wrote out the things my heart desires. Not what my eating disorder wants. Not what my dad wants. Not what my mom wants. The only thing in this life that really matters is what God wants. I know he wants me to live a life full of love and joy not one controlled by a disease or determined by others. He has a purpose for me. He is the only one who knows what that purpose is and I am the only one that can find it. Everything happens for a reason. God has purpose in all things. There have been times in which I have felt unwort
hy, alone, defeated. I felt that the world was crashing around me and I wanted to find the exit. I experienced very dark moments that I will never forget. I made a choice to keep fighting minute by minute. I had no idea what I was fighting for... all I wanted was to go back to the comfort of my ed or not live at all. I may have lost sight of God but he NEVER gave up on me. God gives us choice and it's up to us to decide. Will I choose the path that may be more challenging but will bring me closer to God? Will I choose the path with instant gratification of worldly materials? Will this decison bring me closer to God's purpose? Will this decision bring me farther away from it than before? Today, I relize that with the lord in my heart, all that matters is me chosing what I want. Today, I will not let my ED be my identity. I will choose to do what I know is best and not give in to it's lie's. Today, I will administer the blessings he gives me daily. As long as we look to the lord and listen... we will know what to do. Today, I choose to listen to the lord and not the controller of my past.

To the special person that cared enough to ask "What do YOU want?"
I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Laura Katherine

Hopeful Misery

God helped me realize something today. He always has a way of doing that when we just open our souls to him and listen. I had just finished praying when these thoughts entered my mind. I have been down for a while now having many days that I feel I just can not fight any longer. I feel defeated and hopeless. Recovery is a battle. Somedays, I want nothing but to trow in my towell and wave the white flag. I realized today (with God's help), that even though at times it feels that recovery is as miserable as the eating disorder there is a difference. A drastic difference. Recovery so far has felt anything but "good." Fighting for recovery is one of the hardest things I have or will ever face in my life. I start to wonder... will this ever get better? Are they telling the truth when they tell me to just keep doing it and it will slowly get better one day? I get sucked into this dark hole where I tell myself things will never get better that I will feel miserable forever. Maybe that is my Eating disorder trying to presuade me... I am not sure. The difference in myself in my eating disorder and myself in early recovery is simple. When I was in my ED, I was a broken, hallow shell of a person. I was physically, mentally, and spiritually "dead." I was miserable and I didn't care. I had no dreams and no hope. In my mind I had nothing to fight for. I had just about no will to live. I look at where I am now and I feel that I am a completely different person. I have had a pyhsical, mental, and spiritual reawakening. My body feels better. I no longer spend everyday feeling like death. I can think straight. I can have healthy relationships. I can feel. I have recommited my life to jesus christ and I never ever want to lose sight of that.I have oppourtunities and dreams. God has placed so many people into my life to help me win this battle. The people that have been brought into my life in the past year are not coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. The differnce is that before I was alive but not in any way living.I was miserable.Before I felt  there was nothing to fight for no reason to get out of the misery. Today, I have dreams, connections, relationships.... Today when I am having a hard day and my eating disorder wants me to give in to it's lie's.... I will remember that God has placed so many ,well worth fighting for , gifts into my life. Yesterday, I was miserable in my ED. Today, I may be miserable but God gives me a glimmer of hope. That is worth fighting for.

Lies

Lie-a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive; an intentional untruth; a falsehood.

Yesterday was one of those days when the lies of my eating disorder become meshed with the reality some part of me knows to be true. A day that leaves me feeling hopeless and alone. I had such a hard time with meals yesterday. I was trapped in the lies of my eating disorder. I looked at them as truth. I felt embarassed to be seen eating because I had bad thoughts in my head about how much weight I have gained and how gross I am. I hate that I should be here in complete relaxation with my family but my eating disorder once again has found it's way to take that away from me. I am constantly embarassed about everything I do. My family loves me and is proud of me. So they ask lots of questions about the food I cook and what I eat... I can't stand it. I feel gross. I have to start fighting against this. How? I can't seem to reverse or heal the mindset that has been permanent in my mind for a very long time. I allow myself to believe lies such as.... Food = weakness, food= weight gain, enjoying food is out of the question. My eating disorder tells me that if I do it I have to hate it and never have positive thoughts about it. I can't seem to completely surrender. I need to start conciously deciding to open my fist and have more of a accepting "open handed" mindset. I will NEVER get better if I can't find a way to stop believing the lies and talking back to them. I just feel hopeless some days because I fear that I will never be able to live a life where I do not feel trapped in this with no way out. I am so afraid that this will never stop. I will never heal. I will be miserable forever. I truly do have a desire to heal and live a life completely for the lord with nothing pulling me back. I want a life where I can live freely with no chains pulling me down. I am afraid of that never happening. Maybe just maybe... light is coming soon and if I keep pushing I will be able to see it. I am a firm believer that God has a plan for me. That is the thing that helps get me through everyday. God loves me. God has a plan for my life. As hard as this is, I must keep striving to push these thoughts aside and look to God. He has a plan for my life. I want to worship him with all of my mind, heart,and soul. I do not want to ever return to the life I once lived worshiping a disorder. Lies can hurt us more than anything. Today I will try to believe what I know to be true deep in my heart and CHOOSE not to believe the lies of my eating disorder.


Yesterday I sat in the bookstore floor rading a book about emotionally abusive relationships... As I read I was reminded of how real my past was and how hurtful it was. Almost every word I read described a realationship I have or had that was painful. Relationships with men and relationships with my parents. I lived my 20 years believing how I was treated was all "normal." In many different ways, I have been suffering from emotional abuse for years. This had impacted me very deeply. Yes, this is sad and upseting... but... not all of this is "bad." I am who I am today because of all of the things I have been through. There is good and bad in every situation. God has helped me along the way. Now he has blessed me with the best lesson of all. Today I can look back at my past and see what I could not see then. I see that the things I just accepted as normal as unhealthy and abusive. I am starting to see how this affected me. I am starting to see a path that stems off of this dark road I have been on for a long while. Today I have a voice. Today I know I do not have to accept this abuse. I have the right and strength to seperate myself from it. I choose to believe my truth and stand up for that and no longer give into any lies that before I knew as truth.

Laura Katherine

waves

Today, I have sadly lost sight of the "decision" I made yesterday. The decision did not live throughout the night... The thoughts found a way to creep in as they always do. These thoughts creep in and bring me down. They bring me back to a place far away from God and closely enmessed with my eating disorder. I am exausted. sick. tired. I fight day after day and day for a life in freedom and keep getting dragged back into a hallowlife. Some days I experience moments that I feel I can come up for a breath of relief only to be quickly knocked down by the next wave. Like the waves in the ocean that never stop crashing in... some powerful, some gentle, some large, some small. All kinds of "waves" crash into our lives daily. The important thing is that we get back up. As hard as the journey to recovery is, the roads of my past lead to one place... a dead end. I must push through every wave and look not to my eating disorder for support but to my lord and savior for comfort. I believe God has a plan greater for me than all of this. Greater than I can imagine. The second I look to my old behaviors for comfort, I lose all sight of this. I lay here during what is supossed to be a time of relaxation wieghed down by the thoughts in my head. My eating disorder finds a way ,even when I am surounded by loving family and beatiful creation, to interupt my peace. Taking photographs of memories becomes torture. Simple statements, questions, and compliments about food become harsh criticism. Anything said in regard to my body becomes fuel for me to tell myself how  BLANK,BLANK,BLANK,andBLANK I am. I have had such paralyzing  bad body image lately that I can hardly stand being seen, having people comment on me apperance what so ever, and just being in my own skin. Instead of allowing all of this to win and hiding out in my largest pair of sweats in complete isolation (as I used to do daily), I went out in my bathing suit and layed in the sun with my best friend. Yes, I had horrible thoughts but I was not completely letting them win. I am not yet in complete acceptance of my body, but I am one step closer than yesterday.     "The one who sows to his flesh will reap corruption from the flesh, but the one who sows to the spirit will reap eternal life from the spirit" Galatians 6:8

dr

Daily Decisions

The sun is beaming down on my face as I sit among God's perfectly beautiful creation. The ocean breeze is blowing my hair in and out of my face as I sit and soak in the rays of god's presence. I feel more comfort that I have in a long time. I am here with my family visiting our second home as we do once every year at this time. I feel love and joy suround me. I am blessed to have a loving family and deep friendships to help me through everyday. I feel very lucky to have the opportunity to spend a week of joyus relaxation here with loved one's. Even here in the midst of all of god's blessings.... I am fighting of dark thoughts left and right. These thoughts often imprison my mind and steel my joy. The self critical thoughts start flooding in and I check out of the presence of God all around me and I check into the controlling thoughts of my eating disorder. These thoughts are intense and unloving. I start to obsess about my body and how I must be a fool for thinking I can wear a bathing suit and what others have to be thinking about me and all the weight I have gained. I start picking apart all of my imperfections and allowing them to fuel plans of letting the eating disorder win. In the past, I have allowed these thoughts to fester and turn into life sucking, unloving actions. They would paralize me and bring me to a place far from the lord. Today I want to make a concious decision to fight back against my eating disorder. I choose turn away from the unloving and open my heart and mind to my heavenly father. Even if I can only hold this commitment for today, it is a commitment I have never been able to keep before. I am alive today because of god. He patiently waited for me to surrender to his love and he blessed me with miracles along the way... miracles that I was blind to, I now know changed my life. Today I choose to lay here, in my bathing suit, and soak in the sun's rays while I allow the lord to fill my mind with joy and gratitude for the blessings around me. I fight against the evil thoughts knocking on the back door of my past and look to God for a path I know he has paved. I spent years fighting against my body.In that time, I lost sight of God but he never lost sight of me. He made my body resilient against all the harm I caused it. He healed me when at first, I did not want to heal. Even when I had lost all hope and all connection to my lord he patiently awaited my acceptance of his eternal love. The unloving thoughts are creeping in and atempting to win me over. Today I choose to surrender. Not to the lies of my disorder but to the love of God. For my body is his temple, he created every square inch of me to his desire and he created my body in his perfect image. I am working on accepting my body as part of his perfectly imperfect creation and not as an enemy to battle against day after day. I am opening up my heart to God and turning away from all evil that attemtps to destroy my connection to the one and only great I am. For the first time ever I can firmly say that today I am chosing life. A life lived for God rather than a life lived (if that is what you wanna call it) controlled by my disorder.

Laura Katherine